Aw fawk!

The studio came to a complete halt.

My decidedly New York-union commercial crew was mesmerized by a post that hit the grip’s Twitter account. "Cashman just told A-Rod he should just shut the fawk up on Twittaw. He’s a badass."

From there it was wall-to-wall Noo Yawk Tawk, because after all, there are only two places where sports will stop a commercial shoot: Boston and New York.

Before you get all sideways and call your local Teamsters rep, let it be known that I am a decidedly union guy. My grandfather worked a union job for thirty plus years and I’ve never crossed a picket line; never will. That being said, I was super pissed because the only thing worse than an actor that can’t remember his lines is an unprofessional crew. Unprofessionalism turns art into soap opera.

I called for the mandatory break on the set and needed to break free so my head wouldn’t explode. Luckily Manhattan has just a few Starbucks close to filming. Now the only decision was to go to the shop on the southeast corner…or the one on the northwest corner…or the one, well you get my drift.

I opted for the fancy mom and pop shop three doors down mainly because the line wasn’t out the door. Still with a dozen people in front of me, I had some time to simmer down and wonder why my proofer Monica was always upset at me, craft a guide to coffee dating in my head, AND wonder where all of these fu-fu coffee orders were coming from. Here were the first three orders taken (give or take):

• Large café mocha, no sugar, no whip, extra dry please, with half skim and half whole milk, one pump hazelnut, extra hot.
• Medium caramel macchiato in a large double cup, triple whipped cream with three shots of espresso and three extra pumps of caramel.
• Small soy mocha, half iced, not blended with six pumps of vanilla, stirred not shaken. 

At that point I was screaming “shut the fawk up” in my head, but really unsure if I had just let those rude, yet truthful four words fly out of my grill. Please eat what’s left of my brain and take my order for six large regular coffees, Holy A-Rod I need a cell phone scrambler on my next New Yawk shoot! My mind slipped away as the poor girl struggled to get those orders right while openly mumbling about covering someone’s morning shift after staying up all night studying for her LSAT’s.

How many of us have been on coffee dates? How many of would have run if your speed date would have ordered one of those beauties. Yeah I know she’s cute, but the maintenance and upkeep may make yours look mighty easy. This is why they invented the Coffee Date. It’s essentially a reason to have an inexpensive 30 minute conversation with your crush buddy a midst the sweet aphrodisiac of coffee aromas. You don’t have to worry about deep convos or shaving your legs because this is not about s-e-x. It’s a quick assessment where you don’t have to worry about pickups, being too late or too early or deciding between the scampi appetizer or sharing a Caesar salad. And, just like reading the directions on the side of the shampoo bottle, do this:

Get the drink order. Order the drinks. Pay.

Then:

Sit. Drink. Talk. Flirt (level two and lower, only). Repeat.

Keep it short. When you hit your high note, say your goodbyes (like George Costanza):



Make sure you follow-up and plan a real date if you have any semblance of chemistry and your crush buddy is not a coffee snob.

Speaking of coffee snobs, the carnage in front of me continued…

• Large no-foam half-caf non-fat mocha soy latte. 
• Medium half-skinny half-one percent extra hot split quad shot latte with whip.
• Fill a large halfway with one hundred forty degree coffee; fill the rest with cold milk, sugar-free hazelnut syrup.

Yikes. This is some serious coffee drama. What does it all mean?

I remember a talk with author James Moore who surmised that coffee picks go past personal taste. He said that these mind-boggling complicated drinks reach a much deeper psychological level relating to self-esteem issues, stress and a “search for the comforts of childhood." Here’s the breakdown on the sociology of coffee orders:

• Black coffee: The Minimalist. Likes things one-on-one. Competitive. The lone wolf who can mix in quite nicely when prompted.
• Espresso: The Leader. Instant indulgence for the moody whom has no time for gossip or low standards.
• Cappuccino: The Optimistic Extrovert. Appreciative of style and expensive gear. A starter, but not a finisher.
• Latte: The Passive Aggressive. The latte fan waters down their danger with bubbly foam and milk. Prefers cuddling to sex. Comfort over spontaneity.
• Instant coffee: The Under the Radar. No frills, straightforward and in no hurry to get things done. Unadventurous in career and sex.
• Decaf soymilk: The Narcissist. An eco-worrier with dab of fussiness and a heavy dose of ego.
• Non-coffee drinker: The Teatotaller. Someone who rejects the brown gold is said to have been frightened of life as a child.

Now up at the front, the poor barista was relieved to have my low maintenance order. She whispered “thanks” under her breath as she slipped me a gratis chocolate croissant on my way out which I polished off just in time to spring through the doors of the set where everyone was magically reinvigorated. The sports talk had died down and my actors had kissed and made up. [Yes, literally kissed and made up in their trailer – but that’s a story for another blog.] Filming resumed and things were on the right track.

All of the sudden Twittaw reared its ugly head: “Aaron Hernandez was just arrested!”

Aw fawk!

---

Don't act like this at your coffee place:

MGS CHAT: Tom Brady

Tom Brady is the timeless quarterback of the New England Patriots. Married to THE supermodel and a three time Super Bowl Champion. A quick chat to get us ready for football.

Hopefully part II, where he discusses Giselle, will be on the horizon...

Q: What is your reaction to the signing of another quarterback in Tim Tebow?

TB: I think that any time, I don't really make decisions and transactions – whether we cut players or sign players or trade players. My reaction is very much like everyone else on the team. [I'm] just trying to focus on what I need to do and what I need to do to be a better player and certainly any time a new teammate comes in, you welcome them, try to do whatever you can to help them fit in and understand what we need to do. It's been a fun couple days.

Mr. and Mrs. Brady

Q: What were your impressions of Tim Tebow before he got here and does that match up with the first two days?

TB: I never was around him much. Anyone who has played in the NFL has a high level of talent to make it this far; to play this long over the course of an entire life to get to this point you obviously have to be talented. I have a lot of respect for everyone that plays and certainly what I've seen him do in the past.

Q: Do you worry about any of this being a distraction?

TB: I don't worry about much these days. I've been around long enough to see all different kinds of things happen – like I said, trades, people being cut, guys joining the team, all the media attention with what happened in 2007, post-Super Bowls, tough losses. It comes with the territory. I think everyone is prepared to deal with some level of different things that happen on a daily basis and to be mentally tough enough to push through and still be able to do your job at a high level is most important. That's really what you owe the team is to show up every day and do your job the best you can.

Q: Would you say that everyone in the quarterbacking group brings something a little different?

TB: Honestly every player on the team brings something a little bit different. That's all in hopes of us winning games. We have to all be able to go out there and contribute in some way. Coach always says, ‘Your role is what you make of it.' My role is to try to go out there and be a great quarterback: consistent, dependable, someone that the team can rely on. That's my approach every day that I walk through the door.

Q: There are a lot of new faces on offense, especially among the wide receivers. How are they adapting to this offense?

TB: We've had a lot of turnover this year, especially at that position. Really there hasn't been anyone that we've thrown to in any game action. That's going to be really important as the process develops. The only thing we can really work on is what we're doing now. Guys have really tried to do exactly what we ask them to do, whether they've been out there or not through the meetings, the walkthroughs. It's really been a fun group that's been open to learning and open to understanding how we do things, because how we do things is quite a bit different than how other teams do things, on the field and of the field. To try to come in and fit in and do their job, I give those guys a lot of credit for really stepping up to the challenge.

Q: How do you develop the chemistry that is so important to a quarterback and a wide receiver?

TB: It takes a lot of time. You just try to stay after it every day, as much time as you can communicating about certain looks, coverages, defensive personnel and alignments, route adjustments. It's really a matter of how you, the effort you put into it. Guys have been working pretty hard. We've been here the whole offseason to try to get up to speed. Like I said, the guys that have been here, everyone has made a bunch of improvements. Hopefully we continue to make improvements as mini-camp ends and the beginning of training camp starts.

Q: Bill Belichick talked this morning that OTAs and mini-camp are a time to lay a foundation. Do you think that you guys have done a good job of that so far?

TB: He talks about, you think it's just an OTA in the spring time and it's not that important and all those things that probably could enter your mind. The truth is, this lays the foundation for the start of training camp and if you have a good training camp, it usually means a good start to the season. A good start to the season leads to good position entering the second half of the season. Everything ends up having some significance to it. You're not just out here running plays and going through different things that aren't going to mean anything. We're out here trying to get a lot of things accomplished. I think we have done that, but there's still a lot of work to be done. It's really never ending, especially when you play for Coach Belichick. Especially in practices when the offense goes against the defense, because if the offense makes a play then the defense sucked and if the defense makes a play then the offense sucked so someone is really going to get yelled at on every play. There's always lowlights when we come in on the next day. Even if it was a great offensive play, he's going to yell at someone on the defense. We've become a bit used to that now and that's part of the learning process and also learning how to play for the Patriots and understand the criticism that you're getting and hopefully use it constructively so you can improve as a player.

Q: How inquisitive has Tim Tebow been with you since he's been here? Has he been trying to pick your brain just to get the basics down?

TB: Yeah, there's definitely been communication and there's been that with Tim [Tebow] and with Ryan [Mallett]. We constantly talk. I've been lucky to play with so many good quarterbacks over the course of my career and I've learned from every one of them, starting with Drew [Bledose] and Damon Huard and John Friesez and Michael Bishop and Jim Miller and Vinny [Testaverde] and [Doug] Flutie and [Matt] Cassel and [Brian] Hoyer, it's really been... We've always have a really strong group and a very close group. I'm excited to have Tim.

Q: Ed Reed said he thought his hip injury was caused by the kick slide you did in the AFC Championship Game. Do you have any reaction to that?

TB: No.

Q: He said you apologized right after, is that true?

TB: Yeah, there was nothing intentional about it. It was unfortunate that it happened.

Q: How do you feel physically?

TB: I feel great, I feel better than ever. I've had a great offseason to this point; it needs to continue. At this point, I have a pretty good understanding of how I need to prepare myself and I spend a lot of time, every decision in my life is based around how to be a better football player. I think I have a decent idea how to do that and we'll ultimately see how it pays off this year. It's been fun to be out there every day at practice and that's how you improve, is to be out on the practice field, especially with a bunch of new players. We'll see how it turns out when we put the pads on.

Q: Do you have to change or alter anything as you get older?

TB: You try to be a little more efficient with your time and things that you probably have tried in the past, you don't do much anymore. You try to do the things that you feel work and the things that help you improve. I feel like I've thought a lot of things about this past season and things that I can do better and things that I can do better as a teammate and as a leader and certainly things that I can do better on the field, my physical preparation. I think I've been successful to this point but ultimately you get paid to go out and play on Sunday and hopefully it pays off when it counts the most.

Q: How would you react to having to come off the field?

TB: I have no idea.

Q: You'd be OK with it?

TB: That's a very hypothetical question. Maybe we'll deal with it if it happens.