Anchors Away

Have I mentioned how much I love Starbucks?

Some rail on them for the bitterness of their coffee, others for their (alleged) political ties. Personally, I think they just love money. But my love of Starbucks extends beyond the superficial coffee beans and scones. Starbucks is loved in the Media Guy’s house for two simple reasons: 1) They don’t spend a dollar on advertising and 2) It’s a great muse on a weekday to write a column or review the latest news from Adweek and Ad Age online.

It’s all good until someone crosses the line. Flashback to last Thursday.

There I am writing a hunk of this blog while “on assignment” at a local Starbucks near the agency at 4:00p. It was nearly standing room only (“What? Are they giving away the stuff?”) and after whipping out the laptop, three people caught my attention.

1) The glazed over mom staring endlessly into the parking lot while her twin daughters were getting amped on fully-caffeinated mocha Frappuccinos®; I couldn’t help thinking she was mirroring Diane Lane in “Unfaithful” imagining her French lover in some Downtown L.A. romp.

2) The beaten down thirtysomething Nordstroms shoe salesman. (How did I know he was a Nordstrom’s shoe salesman? Well, Dave still had his name tag on and his $550 Prada dress shoes where in direct contrast to his $199 JCPenney’s Billy London suit.) He was on Facebook with his music playing just loud enough to be noticed while playing Mafia Wars and humming the Godfather theme endlessly. All I could think of was how bad is your life/apartment/girlfriend/wife that you say “screw this, I just finished a six hour shift smelling men’s toe-cheese socks but I can’t stand it at home so I’m going to hang at Starbucks and play Mafia Wars?”

3) Of course 10 minutes into my Venti Christmas Blend I had to go to the bathroom. Just as I made my move towards the unisex restroom, a guy with a rolled up magazine cut-in and proceeded to drop anchor for the next 20, all the while setting the restroom line back 12 people as if there was a rush hour traffic jam on the 405 freeway. Trust me, that’s bad math and I wasn’t going to be the first one in there after anchors away.

In the midst of the restroom logjam, er, traffic jam, I wondered what that guy could have possibly eaten to get him in this mess. I mean a few sessions with Vern’s three-a-day workout system would get things flowing. As I sank into the inner depths of my introspection, I was lost in the random questions and events around the office last week...things like holiday parties, eight days of Hanukkah vs. one day of Christmas, how Gatorade discovered women’s bowling, and if Angelina Jolie really subscribed to my blog recently.

Holiday parties

Lindsay, Paris and Britney can rip through the velvet ropes and still get starring roles in movies, perfume commercials and remain the darlings of the wannabe socialites. On the other hand, those of us (you) in the non-jetset crowd need to behave at the annual holiday party and not pretend we’re in South Florida the weekend before the Super Bowl. Mind-numbing hangovers and getting fired cannot be options. All of this applies unless you work at an ad agency.

I have worked for several agencies that throw sumptuous parties, replete with open bars, limo rides and bans on significant others. Take last weekend’s party in Hollywood at the Geisha House. I should have known that the red glow of opaque neon from behind the bar should have been flashing “DON’T DRINK THE VODKA MARTINIS”; needless to say, most in attendance blew past that stop sign pretty fast.

For me vodka martinis either lead to bisexual women sitting on my lap or making an embarrassing speech at 11:00p in front of the team. Like, for example, in 1999 at the Regent Beverly Wilshire where I was a last minute substitution as a junior executive for the 'state of the union' speech.

So there I am in front of quite a few people. Hell, I looked like Dean Martin at a roast with a drink in the left hand and cigar and microphone in the other. I don't remember what I was supposed to announce, but the first thing out of my mouth was a slurred “F*** you all.” Followed by “90 per cent of you have treated me like s*** this year. And to top it off, Martin and Brenda started sleeping together on October 17th. Happy Anniversary!"

Luckily, by the end of it the big bosses were laughing hysterically thinking it was a parody of sorts. And, since they were laughing, everyone else joined in the fun. I successfully avoided the dreaded Monday-After Walk of Shame by the kind hands of the Holiday Party Gods…as for the bisexual party crasher that wound up on my lap at one a.m.? Did she know the route? Are you kidding me? She wrote the route.

Eight days of Hanukkah vs. one day of Christmas

Christmas vs. Hanukkah. It’s not exactly Ali-Frasier or Leonard-Duran in the Clash of Titans.

However, for as long as it has been Torah vs. Testament (and whatever variations that have spun off along the way) these two religious and culturally iconic holidays have competed for top-shelf glory.

Personally, I don’t care who wins the battle. I say “can’t we all get along?” All I care about is who advertises during the busiest shopping season in the world and what will be left of ad inventory. So let’s go to the tale of the tape.

Christmas commemorates the birth of a divine religious leader widely worshipped by one of the largest faiths in the world.

Hanukkah honors one of the rare times the Jewish people managed not to get totally decimated by a non-fan, (this time the Greeks), and as a windfall the Macabees tripped upon a magic candle that burned for an undoubtedly curious, yet not headliner worthy, eight days.

Christmas has given birth to an enormously lucrative subculture of holiday cheer, blockbuster films and the enchanted world of good ole Kris Kringle. Hanukkah? Uh, let’s move on.

On Christmas Eve children and adults alike hang stockings by the chimney with care in hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there. On Hanukkah eve, they are still fighting about candles and how much aluminum foil is necessary to catch the wax.

This is getting depressing. So I think it is time we all come to terms with the tale of the tape and invite everyone for one huge holiday party! Even those stuck with Kwanzaa. Happy holidays and let’s all get along.

Gatorade discovers women’s bowling...

Charlie Harper shirts, beer, cigarettes and Chris Schenkel. That's what bowling means to me. Of course bowling is hotter now with Rock n’ Roll Friday Nights and even the CEO of Lucky Strike warranted a whole show on Undercover Boss. There’s a new sheriff in town and he’s courting hot chicks with Gatorade poised to take advantage of the trend tagging itself "The official thirst quencher of bowling's U.S. Women's Open." With a 12 per cent rise in bowlers, up to 24 million people, it seems like a good choice. I better dust off my balls.

Did Angelina grace my blog?

I’ve arrived. Haven’t I? There I was checking the stats and followers of the Media Guy blog and there she was. A picture of loveliness, oozing with sexiness from my list of followers. It even listed her as “A Jolie”. Could it really be true? I don’t know, but with the line growing longer at the Starbucks restroom, I’m sure happy for this distraction.

With those random thoughts, Mr. Considerate emerged from the restroom oblivious to the destruction he inflicted on countless bladders. I think it’s time that coffee houses start hiring coolers to keep the patrons in line. You play loud music—hit the bricks. You shout into your cell phone—you’re outta here. You can't act like your $4 latte is rent for your afternoon spot. I say we need a huge guy like Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction or a martial arts expert in disguise like Patrick Swayze in Road House to patrol the seating area in their green mermaid vests.

This could work. I’m convinced.
Media Guy Out.

THANK you to our readers

Just a quick note to say thank you to all of the The Media Guy Struggles supporters.

November was the biggest month ever with almost 85,000 page views from 40+ countries. It's both humbling and exciting. Also, a special thank you to my readers from the UK, Canada and Russia who all tallied over 1,000 page views each.

It's not Facebook and its one trillion page views a month, but I have to say, it's pretty darned good.Thank you for all of your emails, your kind (and critical) words and your belief in the words and philosophies of the Media Guy.

Going Gluten-Free!

Geez. How many articles can a Media Guy handle about weight gain during the holidays? 

More than ever, though, people understand that our bodies just weren’t designed to handle the amount of processed flour found in many of today’s food. 

Some people with vague, undiagnosed illnesses feel better after cutting out gluten, a protein in flour-based foods. Many Americans, including professional athletes and celebrities such as Zooey Deschanel and men’s tennis leader Djovak Nokovic, say they look and perform better since dropping gluten from their diets.

What if you could toss the flour in your pastries, but keep the flavor?

Follow Kyra Bussanich on Twitter like the Media Guy does.

“Unfortunately, a lot of people who commit to a gluten-free lifestyle believe they have to sacrifice their favorite desserts, because gluten-free treats are often loaded with sugar but low on flavor,” says Kyra Bussanich, (www.kyrasbakeshop.com), author of a new, full-color recipe book, “Sweet Cravings: 50 Seductive Desserts for a Gluten-Free Lifestyle

Bussanich’s gluten-free cupcakes twice bested their floury competition on “Cupcake Wars” (2011 and 2012) and were a runner-up for the show’s Cupcake Champion. She shares her secrets in recipes such as Mexican Chocolate Baked Alaska, Persian Love Cakes with Cardamom Buttercream and Vanilla Chiffon Cake with Blackberry Coulis. 

After suffering a life-threatening illness at 20, Bussanich recovered with the help of a new diet without gluten. She began testing gluten-free recipes while attending the prestigious Le Cordon Bleu patisserie program and later opened her popular business, Kyra’s Bake Shop.

“My recipes are not good ‘for being gluten-free;’ they’re just good, and that’s why people who eat gluten visit my bakery and order gluten-free desserts,” she says. “For me, being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease allowed me to turn lemons into gluten-free lemon meringue pie!”

Any doubt that gluten-free can be delicious? Try this one (and add in a Venti gluten-free cup of Starbucks!):

Apple Crisp
6 large tart apples (Pippin or Granny Smith)
1/3 cup sugar, or 1/4 cup maple syrup
2 tablespoons tapioca starch
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon Chinese five-spice powder
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
Generous pinch salt
3 tablespoons cold butter

Topping
1/2 cup sweet white rice flour
1/2 cup millet flour
1/2 cup tapioca starch
1 cup packed golden brown sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon Chinese five-spice powder
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
3/4 cup butter, room temperature
3/4 cup gluten-free oats
1/2 cup chopped pecans or walnuts (optional)
 
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Peel, core and slice the apples into 1/4-inch slices. Put the apple slices into a large bowl and sprinkle the sugar over the top. Add the tapioca starch, cinnamon, five-spice, ginger and salt and toss together to evenly coat the apple slices. Pour into a 9 by 13-inch baking pan, dot the top with pieces of the butter and set aside. To make the topping, combine the flours, tapioca starch, brown sugar, cinnamon, salt, five-spice and ginger in a mixing bowl. In a stand mixer with a paddle attachment, mix in the butter until it is uniformly incorporated into the flour mixture. Stir in the oats and pecans.

Crumble the oat topping evenly over the apples. Bake until the topping is golden brown and set and the apples are warm and bubbly, 55 to 60 minutes.

You can prepare everything ahead of time. Refrigerate the apple filling and keep the topping frozen until ready to assemble and bake. Don’t refrigerate the unbaked topping overnight since the millet flour will interact with the butter and taste and smell cheesy when it’s baked.

Get the book at Amazon.com

The AMAs and the One-Armed Man

A funny conversation happened to me during my mad rush to reach Los Angeles’ Nokia Theater to cover the American Music Awards for Fox. Cover might be a reach; I mean working the red carpet isn’t exactly a Pulitzer Prize assignment, but it helps pay the bills.

I know what you are saying right now, “Blah, blah, blah Media Guy…get to the freaking point.”

Okay, okay, sorry for digressing right at the start.

I ran into the talented and charming Ryan Stout. He’s a comedian who has made it to the big time on Comedy Central. H couldn’t resist telling me about what happened on a recent flight.

RYAN STOUT: I had a situation at the airport flying out of the country.

MEDIA GUY: What happened?

RS: There was a man getting on my flight. He only had one arm; just one.

MG: You mean like Dr. Richard Kimble?

RS: No, nothing like that. But he only had one arm. The arm, right at the shoulder, completely gone. No nub, no nothing. 

MG: Were you in danger?

RS: Quite the opposite. I’m watching him get on the plan, and all I could think was, “Please let me sit next to him.”

MG: Did you?

RS: I did! Wrong side. 

Believe me when I tell you he fought for the armrest! He fought for it. I can’t believe he didn’t want the window seat. Ruuuuuuuuude.

MG: How rude was he?

RS: I said to myself, “Oh great, I guess it’s my job to help with someone’s oxygen mask.” Then about half way through the flight, he said “do you know what the dinner is?” To which I replied, “cheese ravioli or braised chicken. Say if you get the chicken do I have to help you cut it?” He was taken aback, so I decided to make small talk. “Are you a big Def Leppard fan?”

Rick Allen aka the one-armed Def Leppard drummer.

MG: You didn’t…

RS: I did! But this is where I lucked out, because the one-armed man was not into chit-chat and that’s a good thing because if he wanted to introduce himself [chuckles] I was not shaking that hand. Because chances are…it’s not very clean.

MG: Oh my.

RS: No, that’s not a disgusting joke. I mean how do you wash one hand? That’s all I’m asking how do you do it? You get a little soap and then what? How do you get the back? How do you scrub the knuckles?

You’re looking at me funny? I just want a few answers and I’m tired of the judgment.

MG: There’s no judgment really…

RS: The one-armed man is a tricky situation and I know what you’re thinking. We’re quick to label.  We’re very quick to label as a country.  Like you steal a few office supplies, now all of the sudden you’re “unemployed.” You refused to pay for sex, now you’re that “broke honky.” You forget to pull out one time and now you’re the “father.”

MG: So you’re saying beware of one-armed men on airline flights?

RS: I know you want to clap for me right now for bringing this thinking to light. But the one-armed people don’t like the clapping. They give it one-thumbs-down. That’s the lowest score you can give.

--------------

Honestly that was the funniest, politically incorrect conversation I’ve had in a decade. I laughed all the way to the AMAs. Here’s a few highlights…a link to the story that was filed (sorry I was a photographer only) and link to my photography handiwork. 

My AMA badge I posted on my Instagram account.

Miley Cyrus came in like a wrecking ball with her pops, looking mighty sharp.

 See all my pictures on Instagram by following me here.

Monica: The Proofreader

Typos give me nightmares. 
Really they do. 

In my early days as the PR Guy, you would have to get your news releases printed at an offset printing facility. You would have to collate multiple pages together, staple the pages neatly in the upper left hand corner, make a tight z-fold and stuff them into an envelope and mail them out to the media. I did this quite a bit for the Lakers and Jack Kent Cooke in the early seventies as a kid. (If you want these details, you’ll have to buy the book, literally!) Yet I digress as usual.

Anyway…If you noticed a typo, you would have to re-type your work and deliver the new manuscript to the printer and wait for a day for a reprint. It was expensive and your entire release schedule would be blown.

Today, big agencies employ proofreaders who read copy all day long. That’s all they do. They check for typos, grammatical mistakes, and general copy screw-ups. I used to do that. I was pretty good at. Still am. But, it’s a real drag. And the worst part is, it’s nearly impossible to proofread your own work.

Monica? You may never know. She's undercover.

This blog has a proofreader. Her code name is Monica. I’m on my third Monica, much like Roy Rogers had a bunch of Triggers and Elizabeth Taylor had husbands. I still get nightmares about typos and when I get a text or an email from a reader pointing out a typo, my face sports the ass of the baboon (meaning I turn bright red). I don’t get mad at Monica. After all, you get what you pay for; in this case: nothing.

She’s a great lady. Fun, passionate about her work, and damn smart. She’s undercover and never shows herself to the world. With that in mind, I thought it would be fun to let her vent about proofreading and her life analyzing words.

MEDIA GUY: What happened to the long lost art of proofreading and editing? I've seen so many spelling errors on major news sites it saddens me. It wasn't this bad when most of the news was via the newspaper.

MONICA the PROOFREADER: They say in outer space, no one can hear you scream.  And in cyberspace, no one can hear you screech: “Typo!” The Internet is all about speed of spreading the word. Grammar, sentence structure and typos take a backseat in the mad dash to promote ourselves often and early.

MG: When did proofreading become a non-starter?

MtP: Let’s blame the Internet. Everyone else does. Proofreading become a neglected skill and an unnecessarily expensive and time-consuming step.  It is to the 21st century what blacksmithing was to the 19th. Of course, typographical errors online come in a variety of flavors.  I may flinch when I stumble on one in the New York Times online or in print, but I acknowledge that it’s the price I pay to get reasonably good reporting on the 24/7 Internet clock.  I make the same allowances for the comments I read online attached to e-Commerce product pages or news site articles, now that I know there are thousands who think the verb “to lose” is spelled “to loose” or that “disappointed” packs two ses and two ps or two ses and one p.

MG: Please don’t get me started because English orthography is a bitch.

MtP: Still, you’d think that image-conscious businesses or government agencies would take a slightly fussier stance.  Spelling stuff wrong on an authorized web site or official communication suggests haste or carelessness or indifference.  Those aren’t impressions you want to leave on customers or constituents. But there’s a cost to correctness and clearly it’s too high for some entities in the information business.

MG: Has a typo of yours ever gotten you into trouble?

MtP: I have, and it wasn’t anything obvious! I sent an email to a colleague / ex-boyfriend. It was innocuous, but I signed it with a wink. That’s a simple semi colon and a parenthesis.  Big deal, you say. I say it too. However, I meant to sign it with a smile—that’s a colon and a parenthesis. So long story short, I created this all-day fight for him and his trashy new girlfriend—honest it was really a mistake ;) — all over a semi-colon.

Who would have guessed the semi-colon would have that effect on a life? I mean it’s been sitting on the keyboard since the invention of it. Barely working. Barely making ends meet. Every now and again it would have to work in a bibliography just to pay the rent. But you have to give the semi-colon credit, don’t you? It’s a persistent punctuation mark who never gave up.

MG: Yet you digress…

MtP: Yes, sorry. You get me all revved up over copy! Anyway, he found his way into this argument and, you know, if it had been a colon -- with both eyes open -- and a parenthesis, it would have been a smiley face and not a problem. So a simple typo and it became a wink and she told him, “You’re still sleeping with her aren’t you?”

“Or her shift button is broken…” he said.

The semi-colon. The bastard child of the period and the comma. “Ah, some day,” the semi-colon must have said. You know, it literally has to look up to the colon. There it is below the colon on the keyboard staring up at it all day long biding its time. I can see it saying “Someday, I’ll separate email addresses and independent clauses and screw up budding relationships.”

The semi-colon is very powerful. Get a wink at the wrong time of the day and it’s on. That never happens with an exclamation point. You could say it’s the Viagra of grammar.

MG: What’s the worst editor you have ever had to work with?

MtP: I had a boss that used to keep me late a lot. When I would hand in my work he always tell me in a creepy voice, “"When God closes a door, he opens a dress." Yeah, real nice.

MGS: What are some of the biggest mistakes you noticed recently?

MtP: The list is endless. Here are a few:

At a United Kingdom McDonald’s—Yes, grammar issues give me incontinence as well:

Another Walmart home run:

An unnamed framing store:

This is quite a gaff:

MG: What’s the feeling you get when you really crank out a good edit?

MtP: Have you ever had sex so good you say to yourself “someone is going to have a heart attack right here”? That’s the euphoria you get when you catch a really out-of-the-way mistake.

Writer's Block? Get to Ojai...

“Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego.”

― Norman Mailer

Good old Norman had a lot of Hemingway in him. Direct and strong, no time for weakness. You could say he was very Hemingway-esque. No matter, because he pumped out some great work. Most us though can't power through the writers block and put our egos aside. それらの言葉は、単にあなたのアメリカのキーボードの日本人のように見えたとき、When those words simply look like Japanese on your American keyboard, maybe you have to get away like one of those Southwest commercials:

When the Media Guy feels like that [yes! I just went third person], I zip out to Ojai, California.

In peaceful Ojai, tranquility shimmers in the air with inimitable, artful panache. Whether you’re on one of the world-class golf courses, browsing one of the funky art galleries or amidst the fascinating history of the idyllic valley, you’ll always feel at home with smiles in the heart. Here’s my Friday to Sunday writer's block relief guide for your senses.

See

Ted Gall (805/646-4273; www.theodoregall.com) cut his teeth in the sixties as an animator and evolved into an international bronze and stainless steel artisan. Evoking power and grace, his metal sculptures must be seen to fully appreciate the scope of his work.

Touch

The renowned Ojai Culinary School at the Lavender Inn (210 East Matilija Street; 805/646-6635) lets you prepare your own meals with cooking demos from visiting chefs and local artisan cooks. Your class is tailored to your skill levels and the type of meal you crave.

Hear

Beatrice Woods iconic Blandman's Ball Artwork

The Beatrice Woods Center for the Arts (8560 Ojai-Santa Paula Road; Ojai, 805/646-3381) is the place to hear your heart beat. Frightening quiet with panoramic views of Happy Valley, the one-time home of Annie Besant, the area’s quintessential supporter of progressive movements, is now a center for arts and enrichment. Take the docent tour for an insight into the wild times there.

Sleep

The tranquil garden retreat that is the Emerald Iguana Inn (110 Pauline Street; 805/646-5277, from $198/night) welcomes you with majestic trees and the sounds of water at this romantic getaway.

Taste

Boccali’s (3277 Ojai-Santa Paula Road; 805/646-6116) is an organic dream, featuring menus consisting entirely of fresh produce picked and delivered daily from the family’s Upper Ojai farm. The most incredible tomatoes and freshly prepared pasta dishes this side of Tuscany. Don’t forget the vine.

Smell

Lilacs and lilies mingle with the aroma of pine, oak and citrus in the International Garden of Peace at Meditation Mount (10340 Reeves Road in Ojai; 805/646-5508; Open Wed-Sun only).

At the end of it, you can channel your inner Mailer or Hemingway or Ogilvy and produce brilliant works like so:

Perhaps "brilliant" is overstated, but it pays the bills. Enjoy Ojai.

Family Travel in the Electronic Age

In the Don Draper Mad Men Days you could bring your secretary to watch the kids on a family trip and then fall in love with her and get married on a whim. The kids had a good time at Disneyland and you could even cram in ten or twelve meetings.

God knows I lived that life as a kid with public relations father who always seemed to have someone around to help while he drummed up new media business. That parental strategy didn't work out so well for dad or Don Draper (both of whom are working on wives four and three, respectively). Sometimes they work out okay for the kids (an sometimes they don't). In today's social media craziness, wouldn't it be better to have a plan going in?

Alisa Abecassis thinks so...

When her marriage ended, the proud mother of three thought it was time to strengthen her family’s bonds and personal history by traveling and gaining a better appreciation all 50 United States. Her website, www.Exploreall50.com is loaded with family travel resources. Her approach is just like Don Draper's and my father's except just the opposite. Let her show you.

When we connected, I had a few questions...

Should kids be allowed to be connected electronically when the family travels? How much is too much and what limits are appropriate?

Connect with her on Twitter @ExploreAll50.

AA: As a mom of 3 teenagers aged 17, 15, and 14 I have watched my kids get sucked into the vortex that is social media.  I can hardly blame them as media technology has swept over society like an electronic tsunami.  Any news item at all is followed in real time as it happens and even the most trivial post can go viral seen by millions worldwide in an instant if the masses deem it worthy.  Kids and adults are tethered to their smartphones using it for anything and everything the least of which is making actual calls.  My how things have changed.  When I was my kid’s age, any communication that wasn’t done face to face was done over the phone in my room.  If I wasn’t in my room, I was out of luck, cut off from my friends, completely oblivious to what was happening having to rely solely on my memory to share information until I had the opportunity to do so when I got home (and got my photos back from developing).

Today, the world is a completely different place.  Every impression can be posted instantly, liked, commented on, shared with friends, tweeted, re-tweeted, and instagramed, and that’s just for starters. What’s truly mind boggling as a parent, is how knowledgeable and proficient my kids are at all of this.  So the question is, do we let the kids stay connected electronically when on a family trip, or force them to shut down and reconnect the old fashioned way.

What place if any do electronics have on a family road trip?
AA: When the kids were small, I did not allow those DVD players in the car that are hooked up to the back of the front row of seats so the kiddies can watch cartoons to pass the time while driving.  I don’t believe every free moment needs to be filled with television or anything for that fact that takes us outside of reality, which in my opinion does not allow kids to figure out how to entertain themselves.  I like to use travel time in the car to talk about what we’ve seen or where we’re going, listen and sing along to music, and most importantly look out the window at the passing landscape. Being on the road is not just about the stops and fun activities, it’s also understanding similarities and differences as we drive from place to place.

What is the importance of setting limits?
AA: As a seasoned traveler with children I have watched this issue snowball over time. As the kids have gotten older they spend infinitely more time connecting and engaging over their smartphones.  As a parent, I have always preached moderation to my kids in whatever they do, eating sweets, watching television, and a host of other things.  The important thing I want my kids to learn is how to set their own limits.  In today’s day and age, its pretty difficult to disconnect kids from the phenomenon of social media in the electronic age, but it is important to let kids know that it’s not all access all the time.  I don’t allow cell phone use during meals either at home or when we travel.  I also don’t allow cell phone use during activities when we travel unless they are sharing something they have learned or find really interesting.  I explained to my kids that burying themselves in their cell phones during activities on our road trips is disrespectful to me, the person who planned and paid for the activity-something that I felt they would benefit from and enjoy. My kids get that, but that’s because I’ve made a point of having a conversation about it. I’ve taken the time to explain to them why it’s wrong-not telling them, chastising them, or even embarrassing them, but explaining it to them. The biggest mistake we make as parents is underestimating our kid’s capacity to understand.

Shouldn't we embrace the technology?
AA: On our most recent summer road trip to New England, I found myself relying more and more on my kids to help navigate where we were going even finding our way back in a sticky situation when we were lost. On our first evening in Boston, we walked a good two miles from our hotel to the harbor to watch the fireworks. There were throngs of people and most of the roads were blocked off surrounding the area for security purposes. After the show there was a mass exodus as people headed out of the area.  In our excitement to secure a good spot we hadn’t made mental notes to retrace our steps back to the hotel and found ourselves lost and confused in the huge moving crowd. The kids and I made it to a corner and the three of them whipped out their cell phones and using various apps figured out where we were and where we needed to go to get back.  I am sure I could have figured it out on my own in time, but they were infinitely faster at it and more efficient than I would ever be.  I was quite proud of them and it eased my mind to know that if they ever found themselves alone in a similar situation that they could rely on their electronic tools to find their way.

With that kind of understanding a great deal of stress can be eliminated between kids and parents when it comes to electronics on the road.

If you have a good family travel strategy, you won't have to blow a gasket when the milkshake spills.

MGS Chat: Derek Jeter

Well.

A little while back I wrote about how a tweet about Alex Rodriguez stopped a commercial shoot.

You can imagine what happened when Yankees shortstop sat down for a quick (less than 15 minutes) interview discussing being shut down for the season. Here's the full interview...

How disappointed are you having to sit out the remainder of the season?
DJ: “Yeah, it’s very disappointing. I mean, to not to be able to play, especially this time of year. This is when you want to play. This is when I want to play the most and unfortunately that’s not the case. The entire year has been pretty much a nightmare for me physically, so I guess it’s fitting that it ends like this, huh?”

Does any part of you think it’s not going to heal?
DJ: “No, no, no. It’s healed.”

I mean, might the ankle never be the same again?
DJ: “No, I don’t think that. I’ve talked a lot with both our doctor, Dr. Anderson, and I think it’s – we think – that it’s just a matter of just haven’t had any strength. I haven’t been able to work out my legs, or lift my legs, since October of last year. The first time it broke, you can’t do anything weight-bearing, you can’t work out. I was cleared in spring training and then it was only a couple weeks before I had the second incident and we really think it’s just from a lack of strength. I’ve never been able to work out my legs, because when I came back I had two other legs issues because there was weakness and I think just having a normal offseason, getting back to being able to work out, no one foresees any other issues. [Jeter knocks on table].

Will you be able to do your normal workout this offseason?
DJ: “Yeah. That’s’ the key, to get the opportunity to have a normal offseason in terms of physically having an offseason to work out and strengthen things, which I was unable to do for obvious reasons.”

How much time will you take off now?
DJ: “I don’t know. I think it’s just like a normal offseason – is what I’ve been told. We really haven’t sat down. I mean, look, I was told this was the final decision an hour and a half ago, two hours ago, so it’s really not something I’ve given a lot of thought to. But I have been told it’s going to be a normal offseason. Take a few weeks, however long that it is to rest – I’ve had plenty of rest – but to rest and get back at it.”

Were you surprised by the decision to shut out down?
DJ: “No, I’m not. I’m not surprised because if you can’t play how you’re capable of playing, what you’re used to doing, then you’re really not helping out. I wasn't moving how I was supposed to be, or should be moving in order to help us. I wasn't running the way I was supposed to run, so if that was different, then it would probably be different circumstances here. But if I’m not able to play how I want to play, then I’m not benefiting the team.”

When did it become clear you couldn't play?
DJ: “When I wasn’t moving the way I wanted to move. I wasn’t hitting the way I wanted to hit. I wasn’t doing anything. I wasn’t throwing the way I wanted to throw. I’m sure some of it probably was a little bit mental as well. Before I broke it the second time, there was some normal soreness there, and I was told there was going to be soreness, you have to work through it -- and then it broke again. Then this time, when there was soreness, I never really wanted to speak on it, so I’m sure I was a little hesitant, so that’s why, when we took the latest CT scan [which was negative], I think everyone was happy with the results of that.”

What will you do for next three weeks? Stay with team?
DJ: “Have pom-poms and go out there and root for my teammates. There’s been plenty of times when they’ve been sitting there rooting for me.”

How dedicated are you to coming back and being at shortstop, despite the injury?
DJ: “Well, I’m not thinking about getting hurt again. It sounds kind of funny saying it now because of considering how many times I’ve been hurt. But I truly believe, with the full offseason, working out and getting my strength back, that I can get back to doing what I’ve always done.”

Will you exercise your $9.5-million player option for 2014?
DJ: “I haven’t thought about that. Like I said, I just found out that this was the result a couple hours ago, so I’ve never played a season thinking about the next one. I haven’t thought about next year, really at all. Now it’s just trying to digest this, I guess, and figure out what the next step is.

Do think there’s any possibility that you just can’t be the player you’ve been in the past and can’t play? You mentioned the ankle issues being in your head?
DJ: “No. Let me clarify the mental part. The mental part was feeling the soreness and wondering if this was going to happen again. Not knowing, because I haven’t spoke on it. But once you get the tests, and realize everything is fine, then no, mentally I won’t think about this again because I’ll have an opportunity to strengthen it, like I said. Everything is attached. I think a lot of times people hurt something. When that heals, you figure that everything is all good and dandy, but you have to work out your other areas of your body , too. So no, there’s no doubt in my mind I’ll be back to where I was.”

Any thought to moving on and doing something else with your life?
DJ: “Why? Just because of an ankle injury? No. Look man, people have had a lot of injuries throughout the course of their careers, and I’ve been pretty fortunate to play what, 21 professional years, I think it is. And really only have one significant injury, that was a dislocated shoulder, so I’ve been fortunate to not have these injuries but there’s been a lot of players that have had injuries over the course of the years and they don’t think about what they’re going to do next. You just move on from it. So yeah, let me tell you, it’s bad that I’ve had this year, it’s been a nightmare like I said, but you don’t just start thinking about the end just because you have to deal with an injury that most players throughout the course of their careers have had to deal with something.”

How did it feel to not to be able to play the way you’re capable of?
DJ: “it’s frustrating. But at the time, you just think you fight through it, and you figure it’s going to turnaround, but it just didn’t get any better and it’s just something I really couldn’t hide.”

You’ve seen end of Bernie, Posada, etc? Any thought about how you want career to end?
DJ: “There’s a lot of ‘end’ talk here, man. You guys want this to be the end for me? Seeing that’s why everyone’s asking. Have I thought about it? No. I don’t think you think about the end of anything. You think about, our job is to get ready to play. It’s always been that way. I tried to come back this year as quickly as possible every time I came back. Looking back, maybe that wasn’t the best thing to do. But my job now is to get ready for next year and I’ll do that.”

Looking back, do you think you took too big a risk playing at the end of last season?
DJ: “No. My job is to play, man. Play, you try to do your job as well as you can, and I’ve always said, if it’s not broke, keep playing. And it broke, so I couldn’t play. Then it broke again, and I couldn’t play. So … I’ll be ready.”

Any second thoughts about pushing yourself in spring training to be ready for Opening Day?
DJ: “Don’t take it as I had second thoughts. I think it was a learning experience for me. I’ve never been hurt. You get the test results, hey, you’re ankle’s fine, let’s go. I never really took into consideration how many other things you have to take care of in order to play.”

Has everyone been too optimistic about being ready by certain dates?
DJ: “I don’t know if they necessarily told me I’d be ready by a certain date. I’m the one who put dates out there. I’m the one who said Opening Day. They told me how long they thought it would take for the bone to heal, which they were right. I’m the one that said, listen, I‘m going to play on this day, I probably wouldn’t have said that if I could go back. I don’t ever like to miss games. I want to get back and I want to play as soon as possible.”

How can you be so confident you’ll be ready for next season?
DJ: “Because I’ll have an entire off-season to strengthen legs. And that’s what we’re talking about – strengthening legs. We’re not talking about going back in a boot and making the bone heal. It’s all about strengthening legs, and that shouldn't take any longer than it would in a normal season.”

What was your initial reaction when Yankees told you of the shutdown?
DJ: “Just disappointment. This is the most fun time of the year. No one enjoys playing this time of year more than I do. And to not be able to help is something that’s new to me because I’ve never had to deal with it.”

Can you embrace the ‘pom-pom’ role?
DJ: “I’ve had pom-poms for a lot of this season already, so it’s, you just try to help out as much as you can in any way that you can and root for your teammates. My teammates have rooted for me enough over the years. Now it’s my turn.”

Writing Tips from the Master (Not Me!)

#5. “Never write more than two pages on any subject.”

Many days it seems, I am asked how to be a good writer. To be sure, I don't know why people come to me. Humbly I say, you either love my writing or you hate it (but geez, I hope more love it than hate it). Anyway, who knows? I've made a living for nearly thirty years putting word to paper or film or audio so I guess I did something right.

How did I learn? 

It surely wasn't from Norman Mailer's school of hard knocks where the motto was "Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego."* (However, maybe it was.) I should definitely give a nod and a tip of the cap to David Ogilvy.

Wait! You don't know who Ogilvy is? The original Mad Man? The man whom in 1962 was called "the most sought-after wizard in today's advertising industry" by Time Magazine? The man who seemed to invent unorthodox imagination in advertising? If you don't know Ogilvy, you need to. Today.

I remember attending an intimate evening with Ogilvy where I sneaked a plus one from a viscous corporate ladder climber I was dating at the time. Ogilvy's words still echo in my vacuous mind. He could still bring the heat late in his life. He spoke uninterrupted for 53 minutes. Even to this day, his philosophies and methodology are timeless:

The better you write, the higher you go.
Woolly minded people write woolly memos, woolly letters and woolly speeches.
Good writing is not a natural gift. You have to learn to write well. 

I remember reading a memo that he sent around in the early eighties to his peeps. The memo -- it was it a mission statement? -- was simply titled How to Write.** with these pearls of wisdom:

1. Read the Roman-Raphaelson book on writing. Read it three times.
2. Write the way you talk. Naturally.
3. Use short words, short sentences and short paragraphs.
4. Never use jargon words like reconceptualize, demassification, attitudinally, judgmentally. They are hallmarks of a pretentious ass.
5. Never write more than two pages on any subject.
6. Check your quotations.
7. Never send a letter or a memo on the day you write it. Read it aloud the next morning — and then edit it.
8. If it is something important, get a colleague to improve it.
9. Before you send your letter or your memo, make sure it is crystal clear what you want the recipient to do.
10. If you want ACTION, don’t write. Go and tell the guy what you want.

You know who could have used a better copywriter? Folger's Coffee in the 1960's. Take a peek at this ad (Women...you've come a long way. Keep it rolling.)



(*) You don't know who Norman Mailer is? Norman Mailer? The author of 40 books and the chronicler of the American Century? Oh my. Well, start here.

(**) You can find more of Ogilvy’s timeless advice in the 1986 book (you remember those things, right?) The Unpublished David Ogilvy. I found a copy on Amazon, right next to this classic:

Only a few hundred thousand left unsold.

What does the book jacket say?: A book of photographs of the royal family with humorous captions. Ogilvy said it best. Less is more.

A Little Ditty About Kerri and Nikki: Part Two

Part one can be read here.

ALL ABOUT NIKKI IN 11 QUESTIONS

Nikki Sixx. What hasn’t he accomplished?

He’s a legend of rock. A fashion designer. A photographer and a bestselling author. And, oh yes, he’s (naturally) a record label president. Nikki Sixx wears many hats; just don’t mess up his perfectly messed-up ‘do. His accomplishments as the founder, bass player and songwriter of Motley Crue, by themselves, are enough to make him an icon. But Sixx's voracious quest to just be himself has taken him down the much-less traveled path well past “music superstar.”

Besides the 80 million albums Crue has sold worldwide, Sixx also topped The New York Times Best Seller list for more than six months with his autobiography, The Heroin Diaries. The book's soundtrack from his supergroup Sixx: A.M. spawned the song "Life is Beautiful," the most played rock track of 2008. Nikki is the president of the record label Eleven Seven Music. He's a photographer, a philanthropist and the co-founder of the rock couture fashion line Royal Underground.

On radio’s “Sixx Sense,” he talks a mile a minute, but during our interview, he’s a quiet burn, reflective and sharp in tone.

MG: Platinum albums, bestselling books, syndicated radio shows. What's next? 

NIKKI SIXX: Television.

MG: As a rocker, the type of music you play attracts a certain audience. Do you get resistance from certain regions or countries around the world?

NS: No, I think people who are open-minded attract open minded people.

MG: In the studio do you feel like kissing Kerri or duct taping her mouth?

NS: A little of both. No, we have a great energy between us, and we’re both learning from each other daily how to have an on air relationship.

MG: What made Kerri the perfect co-host?

NS: It just clicked.

MG: Your last tour was an amazing success. Are there plans to go back out? 

NS: Yes, Europe and America this summer. Hopefully a little time off in the fall just doing radio and writing music.

MG: What inspires you?

NS: Adversity.

MG: Have you ever been in the Middle East?

NS: No, but it’s a dream.

MG: Who knows more about music? Kerri or you? 

NS: Me for sure. I think.

MG: What do you say to the critiques who think your type of music leads to drug use and violence?

NS: I am sure they are correct on some level.

MG: You seem to be a fan of tweeting and social media. How has that affected your career and life?

NS: I use it to interact with people; people are what we are. It’s what we do; it’s important.

MG: Dream living. Where would you live? 

NS: If I lived outside the chaos (say in the middle of South Africa) and was completely unplugged from the world for a few months, I might never come back. I need the madness to push me forward. Someday I might just disappear into the shadows, only a camera in hand. Oh, and a microphone so I could still do radio.


The original article appeared in ALO magazine (print) and can be found online here.

A Little Ditty About Kerri and Nikki: Part One

After a few decades in the business, Nikki Sixx is still scrambling our brains with his misnomers and his mania, still talking about life and music like it’s his last seconds behind the mic. We could say he’s one of the few constants in our music-listening lives. He’s been up to every challenge life has offered him. Our question, however, is, how does he manage to handle Kerri Kasem?

They joined forces in 2010 cohosting radio’s “Sixx Sense,” heard coast to coast from New York to San Francisco for five hours every weeknight. With their live celebrity interviews in their Los Angeles studios and their irreverent takes on music and lifestyle, their no-holds barred radio has taken root. Sixx has been known to take his now classic on-air battles with Kasem to the Twitter scene, tweeting about the day’s topic. However you slice it, these two have carved out an incredible hunk of listeners and fans nationwide.

KERRI!

She’s got the talent, the sparkling personality, the looks of a Hollywood siren, the endless quick wit and the kind of laugh we keep coming back for. The only question is who really is Kerri Kasem?

It's hard for a writer not to sound more like a bag of wind when he's attempting to elevate musicians and especially radio personalities to the status of artist. But if you're thinking of Kerri only in the context of music, or even in the context of her and Nikki’s “Sixx Sense” radio show, then you're missing the more fundamental and exciting thing about her: When she's on the mic or in front of the camera, she's as beautiful as any human expressing her-orhimself verbally in any way.

Turns out it's not so easy to bring this up in your typical celebrity/personality interview though. We have 10 more minutes? Hmmm, okay, let me just see.

Anchoring a top rated iTunes podcast, “The Kerri Kasem Podcast” with Ashley Marriott. Teaching America about motorcycles via the nationally syndicated “Racing Rocks” radio show for nearly a decade. Going toe-to-toe with the big boys hosting Ultimate Fighting Challenge specials. Yep!

Oh, yeah, there is this one other thing. I was thinking that when you say whatever you feel like, tweet to the universe that your co-host should be in a headlock courtesy of World Wrestling Entertainment wrestler Chris Jericho, and when you paralyze your listeners with your voice rather than your immense beauty—well, it seems to me that at those moments you've transcended radio.

MG: Kerri Kasem, you invaded the entertainment scene through radio? Are you more at home in radio? Or is a return to TV in your future?

KERRI KASEM: Television hosting has always come in and out of my life, and I’m definitely not finished, but I love radio, and I do feel at home behind the mic. Don’t laugh, but I’d love to be on “Dancing with the Stars” and end up hosting it like Brooke Burke.

Right now, I have three radio shows, and I am also on the “Sixx Sense,” radio show that I do with Nikki. We are on over one hundred FM stations, XM Radio, iHeartRadio and the Internet. And now we get to listen to our show five days a week right here at home in Los Angeles on 98.7! Plus, we have “The Sideshow Countdown” that runs on the weekends as well.

MG: You have a unique partnership with Nikki Sixx. How did you know this would be a fit?

KK: Actually, getting this job was not up to me, I had to audition like everyone else. However, Nikki and I had instant chemistry when we did our demo tape, and it was just a perfect fit.

MG: Who is the real Kerri? We hear some comments from colleagues and friends that you are quite special. What differentiates you from the rest?

KK: Wow, thank you for that compliment. Now how much do I owe you? I’m genuinely interested in people, and I think that shows. I have a strong work ethic, and I believe that kindness is one of the most important traits in a human being.

MG: Many would never think you are of Middle Eastern heritage? What impact has this made in your life?

KK: Actually, many people do ask me if I’m Middle Eastern or Persian. My dad Casey Kasem is very proud of his heritage. The Lebanese side of my family is made up of very warm, hospitable, fun people that are always trying to feed you. I think that I absolutely inherited those traits.

MG: You visited many countries in the Middle East. What will you embrace, and what would you change?

KK: I would give the Middle East the gift of tolerance and acceptance. And I embrace the rich culture and beauty. There is so much beauty in the Middle East that so many people will never see because of fear and propaganda. Some of the most beautiful historic sites that I’ve seen were in Syria, where I felt like I was experiencing a part of history.

MG: You have shown us that you are all about the rights of the living―women, children, animals, the underprivileged. What made this such a passion for you?

KK: Most people don’t know about the Declaration of Human Rights, signed by 53 countries and stating: All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.” It’s very important that people know their human rights. It empowers them. And I am passionate about empowering others.

MG: You have the voice, the gateway and the audience to deliver a message. What is that message today?

KK: There are many messages I deliver depending on what show I'm doing. With my real estate investment show and my mortgage show, those topics are exactly what I talk about, and with “Sixx Sense” we talk about our lives, pop culture, music etc. The podcast is where I get to really send my message about health and wellness and questioning what we deem to be "authority." I love diving into conspiracy theories as well!

MG: We have had the privilege of hearing you sing, and you are impressive. A career there?

KK: I’ve been singing since I was a little kid, and one of my dreams is to be on Broadway. Who knows, maybe you’ll see me there one day.

MG: A place that Kerri finds her inner peace? Where is that? 

KK: When I’m with people that I love, and when I’m doing what I love.

MG: Nikki in one word? 

KK: Determined.

MG: The role model for you―personally and professionally?

KK: My dad for both.

MG: Entertainment lacks inclusion when it comes to Middle Eastern celebrities. What are your tips to "making it." 

KK: I don’t agree with you there. Here’s a list of people of Middle Eastern descent who have “made it”: Jerry Seinfeld (Syrian mother); Shakira (half Lebanese); Salma Hayek (Lebanese); Sammy Hagar (partially Lebanese); Vince Vaughn, rock musician and former lead singer of Van Halen (partially Lebanese); Paula Abdul (Syrian Jewish father). Just to name a few. And, of course, my own well-known father.

MG: The public image that you like to portray?

KK: I think there’s a bunch of different sides to me depending on what show I’m doing. Fun and outgoing for the “Sixx Sense,” serious and savvy for my mortgage and real estate shows, and bold, smart and a bit out there for my podcast.

MG: How is your private life different?

KK: My private life is private.

MG: The most adventurous thing you ever did?

KK: I’ve done a lot of adventurous things in my life like skydiving, riding motorcycles, scuba diving, bungee jumping etc., But the biggest adventure and the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done was grabbing my backpack and sleeping bag, buying a ticket to the Dominican Republic and hopping on a bus that broke down on its way to Haiti a week after the earthquake. When the earthquake hit and devastated that country, I had to help, and nothing was going to stop me. I’m planning my next trip now.

MG: A woman of wisdom is:

KK: Wise.

MG: An independent women is:

KK: Sexy.

MG: What is next for Kerri Kasem?

KK: To keep doing what I can to help others.

MG: Your dream accomplishment in the next five years?

KK: To have the number one show in radio and to be on Broadway.


Part Two can be read here.

The original article appeared in ALO magazine (print) and can be found online here.

Aw fawk!

The studio came to a complete halt.

My decidedly New York-union commercial crew was mesmerized by a post that hit the grip’s Twitter account. "Cashman just told A-Rod he should just shut the fawk up on Twittaw. He’s a badass."

From there it was wall-to-wall Noo Yawk Tawk, because after all, there are only two places where sports will stop a commercial shoot: Boston and New York.

Before you get all sideways and call your local Teamsters rep, let it be known that I am a decidedly union guy. My grandfather worked a union job for thirty plus years and I’ve never crossed a picket line; never will. That being said, I was super pissed because the only thing worse than an actor that can’t remember his lines is an unprofessional crew. Unprofessionalism turns art into soap opera.

I called for the mandatory break on the set and needed to break free so my head wouldn’t explode. Luckily Manhattan has just a few Starbucks close to filming. Now the only decision was to go to the shop on the southeast corner…or the one on the northwest corner…or the one, well you get my drift.

I opted for the fancy mom and pop shop three doors down mainly because the line wasn’t out the door. Still with a dozen people in front of me, I had some time to simmer down and wonder why my proofer Monica was always upset at me, craft a guide to coffee dating in my head, AND wonder where all of these fu-fu coffee orders were coming from. Here were the first three orders taken (give or take):

• Large café mocha, no sugar, no whip, extra dry please, with half skim and half whole milk, one pump hazelnut, extra hot.
• Medium caramel macchiato in a large double cup, triple whipped cream with three shots of espresso and three extra pumps of caramel.
• Small soy mocha, half iced, not blended with six pumps of vanilla, stirred not shaken. 

At that point I was screaming “shut the fawk up” in my head, but really unsure if I had just let those rude, yet truthful four words fly out of my grill. Please eat what’s left of my brain and take my order for six large regular coffees, Holy A-Rod I need a cell phone scrambler on my next New Yawk shoot! My mind slipped away as the poor girl struggled to get those orders right while openly mumbling about covering someone’s morning shift after staying up all night studying for her LSAT’s.

How many of us have been on coffee dates? How many of would have run if your speed date would have ordered one of those beauties. Yeah I know she’s cute, but the maintenance and upkeep may make yours look mighty easy. This is why they invented the Coffee Date. It’s essentially a reason to have an inexpensive 30 minute conversation with your crush buddy a midst the sweet aphrodisiac of coffee aromas. You don’t have to worry about deep convos or shaving your legs because this is not about s-e-x. It’s a quick assessment where you don’t have to worry about pickups, being too late or too early or deciding between the scampi appetizer or sharing a Caesar salad. And, just like reading the directions on the side of the shampoo bottle, do this:

Get the drink order. Order the drinks. Pay.

Then:

Sit. Drink. Talk. Flirt (level two and lower, only). Repeat.

Keep it short. When you hit your high note, say your goodbyes (like George Costanza):



Make sure you follow-up and plan a real date if you have any semblance of chemistry and your crush buddy is not a coffee snob.

Speaking of coffee snobs, the carnage in front of me continued…

• Large no-foam half-caf non-fat mocha soy latte. 
• Medium half-skinny half-one percent extra hot split quad shot latte with whip.
• Fill a large halfway with one hundred forty degree coffee; fill the rest with cold milk, sugar-free hazelnut syrup.

Yikes. This is some serious coffee drama. What does it all mean?

I remember a talk with author James Moore who surmised that coffee picks go past personal taste. He said that these mind-boggling complicated drinks reach a much deeper psychological level relating to self-esteem issues, stress and a “search for the comforts of childhood." Here’s the breakdown on the sociology of coffee orders:

• Black coffee: The Minimalist. Likes things one-on-one. Competitive. The lone wolf who can mix in quite nicely when prompted.
• Espresso: The Leader. Instant indulgence for the moody whom has no time for gossip or low standards.
• Cappuccino: The Optimistic Extrovert. Appreciative of style and expensive gear. A starter, but not a finisher.
• Latte: The Passive Aggressive. The latte fan waters down their danger with bubbly foam and milk. Prefers cuddling to sex. Comfort over spontaneity.
• Instant coffee: The Under the Radar. No frills, straightforward and in no hurry to get things done. Unadventurous in career and sex.
• Decaf soymilk: The Narcissist. An eco-worrier with dab of fussiness and a heavy dose of ego.
• Non-coffee drinker: The Teatotaller. Someone who rejects the brown gold is said to have been frightened of life as a child.

Now up at the front, the poor barista was relieved to have my low maintenance order. She whispered “thanks” under her breath as she slipped me a gratis chocolate croissant on my way out which I polished off just in time to spring through the doors of the set where everyone was magically reinvigorated. The sports talk had died down and my actors had kissed and made up. [Yes, literally kissed and made up in their trailer – but that’s a story for another blog.] Filming resumed and things were on the right track.

All of the sudden Twittaw reared its ugly head: “Aaron Hernandez was just arrested!”

Aw fawk!

---

Don't act like this at your coffee place: