The Saga of the Five Euro Nescafé

Dear Iberia Airlines:

That was a neat little trick you pulled off on my recent flight. I mean pull around the coffee, tea, and juice service cart and ask politely if I want an ice cold Coca-Cola or perhaps a zumo de manzana so fresh I'd feel like I picked it myself and ran it through my Jack LaLanne juicer.

Instead I sifted through the dozen or so offerings and opted for Nescafé espresso with milk. "Espresso" I thought....what a nice treat on my quick international commuter flight. Ah to be on the Avenue des Champs-Élysées nursing my espresso at a sidewalk cafe as tourists from around the globe carrying their fancy Louis Vuitton and Givenchy shopping bags paraded in front of me to their next stops in their retail debauchery sojourns.

Yes, Iberia, you had me at "Nescafé" as I mentally locked arms with George Clooney and Penelope Cruz preparing to sip the smooth java gold that only this instant brand can deliver.

Then, Iberia, you cut me down to earth in second. As if being sliced effortlessly by a matador's sabre in Madrid's legendary bull ring you struck! After serving my espresso, the bad news was delivered: "Five Euros, please..." Imagine my look of astonishment as I fished out my Euro coins, scrambling to find the right combination to equal the magic number that had wrestled me from my daydream with those beautiful Oscar winners.

I mean, really, Iberia?

Charging for drinks without alcohol?

This is a new twist on squeezing revenue out of your passengers. At least announce it in Spanish over the intercom so it gives the illusion there was fair warning. What was I supposed to do after it was served? Refuse to pay? What kind of entitled American traveler would attempt that? (Probably a lot, but not me...) I paid while the empathetic flight attendant embraced me in a way only a mature, seasoned air hostess could while reaching into your wallet for five Euros.

At the end of it, I sipped on those four ounces of heaven and toasted to George and Penelope. I'd like to think no they toasted back. 

Clowning Around

Okay, so where am I?

Well, I am sitting at my office marveling at the ESPN news alert that just came through my phone:

"NHL: Vegas Golden Knights' trademark request denied due to 'likelihood of confusion' with logo for College of Saint Rose."

Seriously?

I mean boys, I wrote you back in June suggesting that a phone call to the Media Guy might be a wise idea to line everything up.

When I say "boys" I am talking directly to NHL Commish Gary Bettman and Vegas Golden Knights owner Billy Foley. I told them that I "sketched out five-year plan for the growth of hockey in the desert."

Guess what? They didn't call and now they can't even get the logo or the team name right.

I can't really get my head wrapped around this today. You can't be denied the basic identity of your franchise before you even have a team in place. These are basic rules of the game. Call it Media Guy Law #141, if you will. Then I read this headline: "NHL won't reconsider Vegas Golden Knights name, despite trademark denial" as the NHL backpedals trying to defend their faux pas. *SMH*

Offer still stands boys, er, gentlemen: Call the Media Guy!

Speaking of clowns...

I'm still recovering from Black Friday. I mean clicking around Amazon, Target, Tiffany, and the TeamLA Store searching for 75% off deals is a lot of work. My index finger is sore and swollen.

*Sigh*

And, everyone around me are going a bit nuts as the stock market continues its rise and projections skyrocket for the best sales in post-Thanksgiving history.

I don't do Black Friday. Have you ever been to one? It's nothing short of anarchy. This is why I urged America to shop right right last year. I have no clue if it is working. All I know is that Amazon and I get real close this time of the year.

You can blame the media for the insurgence of Black Friday sales. The first story on every local newscast, every 24-hour cable special interest story and top shelf on most online sites is about Black Friday. PR companies for the retailers - media and large - crawl all over themselves to get the stories out on their big sales and deals. For retailers, it's the day on the promotional calendar that can't be ignored. One day the roosters will come home to roost on this shopping phenomenon.

While we are worried about what to get for Christmas and the whole bullying fears that came out of the election, we see that people are standing up for the rights of all...even clowns!

The staff at City Lights Bookshop, a Canadian bookstore say a sign banning clowns from the store was a joke and the two clowns who confronted the owner went way too far.

No Clowns Allowed?

The two clowns took offense to a sign in the store's window that had a picture of a clown with a red circle and line through the image, indicating no clowns.

Police arrived. No charges were filed.

On Twitter, the bookstore tweeted: "no clowns have ever been banned in the shop" and "physically intimidating and yelling at a woman is not the way to get your demands met. A decent face-to-face with respect and kindness is..."

The bookstore has not taken the sign down.

Maybe it could be the Vegas Golden Knights logo.

Clown Gallery: Top 10 of All Time

10. The Poltergeist Clown. A child's worst nightmare comes to life.

9. Killer Clowns from Outer Space: bloodhound balloon animals, killer shadow puppets and more!

8. Krusty. Never believe the on-screen persona. 

7. Pulcinella. The most clever of all.

6. The Joker. Oscar-winning Mayhem.

5. Pennywise. Any clown that can shapeshift is amazing. Stephen King = genius. Duh!

4. Fizbo: The ass-kicking clown that will twist you like a balloon animal.

3. Ubu Roi: the antihero — vulgar, dishonest, voracious, gluttonous, evil and cowardly.

2. Vegas Golden Knights: see above.

1. Ronald McDonald. It wasn't the burgers making kids heavy. It was the clown scaring kids from leaving their houses.

Honorable Mention: 

Wedding Crashers

Do You Want to Make a TV Show?

Okay, so where am I?

Last week, I decided to take a few days off and fly up to Portland, an attractive city where the people are friendly and the food is amazing. It’s a short flight. My friend has a place there so I figured, why not?

When the cab dropped me off at LAX, I was shocked to discover the place was packed. It still looked like the day before Thanksgiving. What the hell was going on?

Agents are a curious breed, so I decided to ask around and every single traveler gave me the same answer: They were all actors flying home after spending pilot season in L.A.

To make matters worse, they looked broken, like soldiers leaving a war zone. I felt bad for them because I knew they had made a fatal mistake. You see, L.A. isn’t a place you can visit for a few months and then abandon. You have to commit if you want to get anything in return.

The whole concept of coming to L.A. from January to March hoping to score a pilot is insane—it just doesn’t make sense. And if you don’t already have decent representation here, you might as well stay home and try inventing time travel. Your odds of success are about the same.

Dear Amazon - take a flyer on this hidden gem!

First of all, no agent will sign you in January because they just spent the last few months building up their client list for pilot season. Second, casting directors who don’t know you aren’t going to have time to meet you because they’re too busy casting pilots. And third, if by some miracle you actually got a chance to audition for a series regular role, you won’t have the experience to do well in that kind of high-pressure setting.

Another problem you’ll have to face is the competition. There are already thousands of actors here who are just like you, except they have representation and several casting fans. They’re the ones who will be auditioning for pilots, not you.

So here’s what you have to consider. If you’re living in any city other than L.A. (with the possible exception of New York) and you’re interested in booking a pilot, this is the time of year you need to start thinking about making the big move West.

But don’t kid yourself. Even if you get here by summer, I’m not suggesting you’ll be ready for pilot season by the start of 2017. Ha! I’m talking 2018, because you’ll need at least that much time to find representation, meet the casting community, and establish yourself as an actor worth hiring. (And that’s assuming you actually have some talent and a fair share of luck.)

Why so long? Well, ask yourself this: What kind of actors book pilots? Answer: the ones who work in television. That’s why dropping in for a few months without TV credits makes you look clueless, like a hick who fell off the turnip truck.

And please don’t kid yourself with tales of actors who booked pilots with almost no experience. Sure, that happens once or twice a year but those people are outliers and they don’t represent the whole. You can’t assume that if one person out of thousands ends up winning the lottery then you will too. That’s false logic and a deluded way to live.

So make a commitment. Rent an apartment. Buy a car. And send the city some flowers. Who knows? If you show L.A. a little love, she just might love you back.

Article first appeared as Secret Agent Man in Backstage.