The Infamous "Hockey Puck" Incident

First off, if you didn’t work with me in New York (yes, most of you are gone—yes, really gone), that headline will mean absolutely zippo to you. You'll have to read the book that I hope to finish by 2018.

Okay, so for now there's some grey area. Now onto the countdown, uh, story...

It is true...

...I once fired an official NHL hockey puck through a tempered glass window in a fit of work rage inspired by an editor of a trade magazine with bricks for brains. Those of you who do not appreciate the fine art displayed on ice nightly from October through May every year, might not comprehend that throwing a six-ounce vulcanized rubber disk, sized one-inch thick by three inches in diameter is no easy task. (Read about how hard it is from the nerds here.) I whipped it through the window hitting the smokers outside with shards of glass and a heavy dose of rage. I did it in one motion. This was one of those incidents you hear about where someone has a huge rush of adrenaline and lifts a Cadillac. This temporary strength came out of anger, and I’m usually not that angry a guy.

I am not naming the characters involved. My prerogative. Nor will I deny or confirm the many conjectures I know are coming. Sorry, but I'm taking the high road. In the book I'll probably name names (and there are some decent names in this mix).

I was an up-and-coming Media Guy still doing public relations, dialing for product placements and column inches. I was a moderate-sized agency working a train wreck of an account and capitalizing on my newfound success getting magazine covers for a computer with a 25 megabyte hard drive. Yeah, I know you have a phone with 64 gigabytes -- which is about 2600 times bigger than that dinosaur -- but back in the late eighties that was big news. Yet I digress...

Sometimes pucks hit nothing. Photo by Darryl Dyck/The Canadian Press.

I was expecting a big product review to be dropping to further solidify my expected key to the executive washroom. (Yeah, back in the late eighties that was still a thing.) Imagine my surprise, when after holding for a full hour to verify facts, the writer of the big review decided that my client would not be in the review. You can also imagine the fever that built from there. Had this happened today I would have mentally blown an arctic breeze up my sphincter and cooled down. But I was younger and more inexperienced. (This is why you hire seasoned pros to run your advertising and marketing departments. Respond, don't react.)

So I just seethed. This writer was know for taking gifts, cash, and girls for the right feature, but I was playing it straight. Taking my client out? Well, for me, that was the final straw. I slammed the phone down nearly breaking it. Not getting the reaction I desired from from mini-fit, I hurled the puck towards the window.

Seeing and hearing the glass shatter felt great, by the way. At the time I was doing it I had no idea this was a feat of Herculean strength. I might as well have been firing my Nerf basketball at the trashcan in the the corner of my office as I usually did. Even after I did it (and the faces of my colleagues revealed true horror) it didn’t seem like any big deal.

My department manager wisely decided that I should have the afternoon off. I was not clearly going to be of much help that day. He equipped my with a bottle of Jim Beam and sent me back to corporate housing for the night.

The next day I returned to the office, creeping around corners, hoping not to be noticed. Before I reached my boarded up office, the agency's managing director called me in and the conversation when something like this:

MY BOSS'S BOSS [pouring himself a 9:05 A.M. cocktail]: I was looking for you yesterday because I heard what happened.

ME [gulping with obvious forehead perspiration]: It was unfortunate...

MY BOSS'S BOSS [interrupting]: ...you know, I've been thinking...yesterday will be your last day in that department.

ME: [more sweating]

MY BOSS'S BOSS: We need passionate PR people like you here. Most of the staff on that floor would take the failure and move on with their day. Not you! You care! You cared enough to let the entire agency feel your rage. Your rage of failure. [hands me the 9:05 A.M. cocktail] I see big things for you. Cheers!

The culprit.

And with that cheers, I was promoted to Sr. Public Relations Manager above my old boss, reported to my new boss, i.e., my boss's boss.

I should mention that a few weeks later I was out with my new boss on a daily basis at client luncheons drinking my liquid meals, three vodkas at a time in a ritual that demanded a strong liver and a gift of the gab. I had both. I lasted three years before going to Australia to work at the National Gallery...

More to come in the book.
Save up.
Buy it in 2018, or 2019, or 2020.

Final thought: Throwing that rubber disk is not something I’m particularly proud of (which is why I rarely bring it up). And even though it’s easy to get very emotionally attached to a project, issues should not be cause for losing your mind. It's much easier to say now when I am pushing fifty. Back then, I had a mean slapshot.

And now for my next trick…

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Ticketmaster has eight better ways for me to have used my hockey puck at the office:

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Work Supervillains

Logan adds a new sidekick in the R-rated flick.

Okay, so where am I?

It's a Saturday, so I wrapped some serious wee hours of the morning re-writes of my Japanese television show and powered through the day so I could see Logan in the theaters before the super hero flick gets reduced to one of those 50 seaters and exits to some streaming service and soon-to-be-defunct DVDs.

Logan is a big deal as the only compelling X-Men character that warrants a standalone movie. This one promised us moviegoers our last chance to see Wolverine with Hugh Jackman as the frontman he he first brought to the silver screen nearly 20 years ago in the first X-Men movie.

Even if it was just a brief cameo, Jackman has played the character in each of the franchise’s installments. For super hero aficionados, Jackman's presence provided a point of consistency in a series of movies that’s jumped through time and offered often conflicting takes on continuity. Of course, who doesn't want to be some kind of icon at work? Jackman is such an icon and that speaks to his incredible turn in the role and has been possible because the character basically doesn’t age, meaning he can look more or less the same in a story taking place in 1776, 1945 or 2029.

The twist here is the R-rating. Logan, like last year’s Deadpool, is pretty violent. Violent enough to earn itself an R-rating. For those paying attention, Deadpool had a decent amount of sexual content and the related language that helped get the R. These two films are the only exceptions to the PG-13 rule that has dominated movies from both Marvel Studios and DC Entertainment/Warner Bros. In the past, the only comic-based movies that have delved into R-rated territory have been the Blade series starring Wesley Snipes, Lionsgate’s two Punisher films and adaptations of indie books like Barb Wire, Spawn, Kick-Ass and a few others that didn’t need to get the the kids into the theater along with the older crowd.

According to a recent survey from online movie ticket seller Fandango, audiences are anxious for more hard-core superhero movies. The survey reports the 71 per cent of respondents want more R-rated comic book movies, while 86 per cent were specifically anxious to see a more violent Logan this time around.

All of this is working to the tune of $537,138,242 worldwide at the box office as of March 24th. That is quite a nice final bow for Wolverine.

Speaking of super heroes, each one needs a supervillain. And even though you might not be a super hero yourself, you probably have a burgeoning antagonist at work. You night not need to look too far...maybe in the office next you.

Created by TaskWorld, you may find characters like ‘The Joker’ familiar, a term that describes colleagues or superiors that loves to watch you suffer by setting you up with impossible tasks on a tight deadline.

Can you identify these Supervillains in your own workplace? Beware of these supervillains that may take advantage of you, and wear you out with their evil antics.

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Statue Unveilings

Okay, so where am I?

According to those who care about me (yeah, yeah, oxymoron) I spend an inordinate amount of time at Staples Center from October to May each year. I mean, who wouldn't? Kings, Lakers, concerts. There's also the Clippers, but no one cares.

Today I'm back at Staples Center—media pass in hand—to cover the unveiling of former Lakers superstar Shaquille O'Neal. If you're not a basketball fan, you still might know him as the player with the most noms de plume in the history of sports:

-The Big Aristotle
-Diesel
-Shaq Daddy
-Wilt Chamberneezy
-Big Shaqtus
-Superman
-Big Shamrock

Statue unveiling are seldom worthy of a blog column or covering other to see stars are breathe the same air they breathe. I've covered some of the Hollywood Walk of Fame Ceremonies...Jennifer Aniston, Katy Perry, Kate Winslet, LL Cool J, Jeff Lynne, and more...but I always dream of a ceremony like the time Clubber Lang mocked Rocky Balboa in Rocky III. Lang was desperate to get Rocky into the ring and started insulting Adrian:

Hey, woman! Hey, woman. Listen here.

Since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you wanna see a real man?

I bet you stay up every night dreaming you had a real man, huh?

Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment and I'll show you a real man.

Then it was on. Well, kind of. *-See the clip below to see how to call out someone at a press conference or a statue unveiling. Yet, I digress...

Shaquille O'Neal with his new statue.

Shaq (also a nickname) became the latest Lakers legend to be honored in sculpture form at the Staples Center. Fellow Lakers legends Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Phil Jackson, Jerry West, and Kobe Bryant joined the fun at an unveiling ceremony, during which the imposing 1,000 pound statue was formally revealed.

This isn't any statue, it's possible the greatest statue in the history of sports tributes.

The mammoth sculpture depicts O’Neal pulling down a basketball rim as a freshly-dunked ball drops through through the rippling net. At almost nine feet tall, the statue is just a bit larger than Shaq himself. It's only fitting that Shaq be honored in bronze. Lakers president Jeanie Buss pointed out that O’Neal broke ground for Staples Center in 1998 and was the leader of a team that brought the venue's its first three titles.

This is the eighth statue honoring a Los Angeles sports icon to be unveiled at the Staples Center’s Star Plaza—though O’Neal is one of the few to have actually played in the building.

Shaq Ceremony Highlights:

* - Clubber Lang provokes Rocky Balboa at his own statue ceremony:

Staples Center Statue Ceremonies:

Luc Robitaille / Los Angeles Kings

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar / Los Angeles Lakers

Oscar De La Hoya

Jerry West / Los Angeles Lakers

Sorry...didn't cover this one...Wayne Gretzky / / Los Angeles Kings

Marge Hearn with her late husband's statue...Chick Hearn / Los Angeles Lakers 

Magic Johnson / Los Angeles Lakers

Sorry, didn't cover this one either...Los Angeles Kings 50th Anniversary

Sky Zoos: Turkeys and Doggies and Pigs, Oh My!

Before we get into the AD OF THE WEEK/MONTH/WHATEVER, I want to note my quick disclaimer: I like dogs and animals. As a former pro bono contributor to the Greater Los Angeles Zoo Association (GLAZA) and a former dog and cat owner for thirty years, I like our domesticated four-legged creatures. But enough is enough...

Jean Dujardin and Uggie the dog. credit: Richard Harbaugh / ©A.M.P.A.S.

Your dog belongs in a handful of places:

-Your home
-In your yard, on a leash
-At the vet getting a check-up, and
-At a designated dog park

Your dog should not be:

-At a restaurant
-Walking down the aisle of a supermarket
-At your feet while sipping your cup of joe at a Starbucks, or
-On an airplane
-The office
-At the Academy Awards. "Who would do that?" you ask. In 2012, when Jean Dujardin, winner of the Oscar® for Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role for his role in The Artist brought Uggie the dog I rolled my eyes. Okay, so Uggie logged some serious screen time in the Academy Award winning film, but did he need a handler following him around the red carpet and backstage with a plastic bag in case of accidents? I think not. Most in attendance that day agreed with me, but no one would dare say it to someone with a microphone.

Pets can poop on the fly at Chicago O’Hare International Airport.

In the new America where everyone is hypersensitive to racism, misogyny and equality, I find it funny that we seem to worry more about animal rights than our fellow neighbor when given the opportunity. The overt bullying towards the offending party that complains about an animal on a plane is growing. Take the seven-year-old boy who was in tears as passengers applauded as he was removed from the plane because of allergies. Yeah, stay classy Washington.

There's a raging controversy that is gathering steam. And why not? Turkeys horses, pigs and more in the friendly skies?

When will it end?

A service pig? Really...?

Well, it just might not.

The law allowing service animals in public under the Americans With Disabilities Act is being openly mocked by pet owners improperly passing their animals off into the service category. As most of us are aware the law was put into place so the blind could be guided by dogs and them loosened up so people with stress disorders could have the companionship of their comfort dogs.

How many of us are buying that a 35-year-old can’t be without his or her pet and insists on flying it all over the country or putting it into a shopping cart so it can go into your local Krogers? You can call Bob, your pet turkey, a service animal and there's nothing anyone can do about it. They don't even need a leash and for the informed, a turkey without a leash can be quite dangerous.

He's working...!

I don't want to put my black heart on display, but if life is such a high wire act that you can't go out without the comforting re-assurance of your poochie who surely defecates in public and licks up his own vomit, you might want to consider staying home altogether.

Most us us understand that most service animals are (wink, wink) not really anything close to that. They are simply for people who are so self-centered that they just feel it is their right to have their animal of choice with them 24/7.

Sheesh!

I love that you love your animals, but understand that the rest of us don't love your animals, especially when it's cleaning its nether-regions while I'm trying to enjoy my $5 Nescafé espresso with milk.

Back to the Americans With Disabilities Act a minute...The intent of the law was to help free barriers to the disabled – not the lazy or egomaniac. Accommodating real needs should be expressly met. Trumped up ones should be told to take a hike (of course with the aid of their pet).

I know that no one cares, but how would you like to the by the woman in the middle seat next to one of three dogs on a flight. She had to move. Did anyone volunteer to help? No. The few that were asked just floated stares in the direction of the asthmatic woman who actually could have died from an in-flight allergic reaction.

What next? Service cockroaches? Sounds funny, sure, but it's a slippery slope what is allowed today and what will be eventually allowed later.


AD OF THE WEEK/MONTH/WHATEVER
Here’s Cal Worthington and his dog Spot!
circa 1981

Anyone who grew up in Southern California in the 1970s undoubtedly remembers the television commercials featuring consummate car salesman/entertainer Cal Worthington and his menagerie of sidekicks who were anything but dogs. Dressed in western wear and cowboy hat, Cal paraded around his car lots leading wild or exotic animals around on leashes – or riding them – lions, tigers, elephants, whales – often against a backdrop of circus tents or wagons. A catchy song with several verses – and versions – cemented the master showman’s place in car circus history.

Don Draper is a Demigod

Only Don Draper could write $1,000,000 checks AND have his ads run 50 years later.

Today I ask myself this definitive questions: Is is bad to be jealous of a fictional character?

Strolling through New York City—49th and 7th to be exact—revealed that Don Draper's "Pass the Heinz" ads are running a full fifty television years later. Yes, when Mad Men's Draper pitched an ad campaign, clients typically ate it up and then greenlit the campaigns. In the Heinz pitch, navigates through a “Got Milk?”-like set of creatives to create a craving for a product through its absence. This concept wouldn't gather steam until the 80s. On the show the “Pass the Heinz” campaign did not impress the Ketchup Brass and they ultimately pass.

"Pass the Heinz" billboard at 49th and 7th

Fast forward fifty in years in TV times) or four years here in real Earth time...and Don Draper wins again.

Personal issues aside, Draper is some kind of advertising Demigod. I know he couldn't keep a wife, be a decent father, or stay sober, but jeez, the guy knew advertising and how to push consumer's buttons. Plus, he made the equivalent of $300,000 and lived on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. What a life!

In a clever press release, Heinz says it “selected the ‘Pass the Heinz’ campaign after an agency review because it is clever, modern and doesn’t require paragraphs of copy to convey what Heinz brings to the table. Whether it’s fries without Heinz ketchup or hot dogs without Heinz mustard, this campaign perfectly captures the desire for great-tasting Heinz products with America’s favorite foods,” the (real) company said.

Partly a PR stunt, the ads are officially being credited to Heinz’s current agency, David Miami, and to Draper's fictional 1960s firm, Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. (Draper and Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner, who approved the idea, are both listed in the credits.)

Below are the ads that are running in the New York Post and across the Heinz social media channels:

In the end, Draper took fifty years to get this campaign launched and as I watch his deft pitch, I'm reminded that I should be jealous. #DraperForever