The Media Guy Struggles: November 2016

Café Squatters.
Coffee Shop Campers.

Laptop Hobos.

The Office Nomad.

Have you noticed them?

Before I get into my rant and need to meet with a random Japanese TV exec or South Korean producer at a local eatery without finding a seat amongst those stealing free WiFi that's included with your $2.65 Venti, let me say first that I have written a screenplay or two at my local Starbucks.

Guilty as charged.

But today...

Well, today I went into my local Corner Bakery for a quick lunch -- or should I say attempted lunch? -- and wound up wandering around looking for a table.

None were available.

Wah-wah-waaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Why?

Because half of the tables have been annexed by local suburban squatters who decided that any place with free WiFi is the perfect spot for an ad hoc Regus office. These "patrons" were done eating...if they ever ate at all. They're simply sitting there rat-a-tat-tatting on their laptops and electronic notepads turning our shared public space into their personal office, oblivious and uncaring that their misplaced multi-tasking has become a public nuisance.

Ever tried to sit down at a Starbucks these days to enjoy a smooth Christmas Blend and read your New York Times (yes, they still sell newspapers there!)? You can't find a seat. Why? All of the tables have been claimed in the epidemic known as the Invasion of the Laptops.

There are two places you should be using your laptop for business or pleasure: work or home. Period.

Before our mobile society took over, you never saw anyone lugging a manual typewriter into McDonald's or the little café adjacent to your office. No one sat in the booth in the back tapping out letters, homework or their next big idea. So why now? Why are we doing it with a WiFi version of a typewriter?

Some people don't even rent office space anymore. Why bother? Check out the business card from the next consultant you meet for convenience at Coffee Bean. Could it be their address is actually there?

They made it cool to hang out at the coffee shop all day...sigh.

A majority of the people who squat aren't even working on anything important. They have grown up believing that being seen in public or a laptop conveys intelligence. They want you to believe they are doing some kind of think tank analysis when instead they are watching rejected cat memes on the America's Funniest Home Video youtube channel. You see these same people constant on their smartphones as well, showcasing they are always in demand.

We need to strike a deal here.

No one is saying that you can’t drink your custom crafted espresso delight and mix in a spinach feta wrap, and soak up the bandwidth. You should. I have. however, if you know you’re no longer consuming, you’re essentially using the space as a library. You know what you should do? You should pick up your stuff and relocate to an actual library. The Gods will not somehow forsake your creative juices if you're working on being the next Woody Allen while crafting your screenplay.

And no, by relocating to a public space that actually has their arms outstretched waiting for you, you’re not sacrificing meeting the love of your life by serendipity on the way to the restroom. Look for your soulmate on your own time. As Jeff Spicoli says, this is "our time."

So, hit the bricks.

Okay, so where am I?

I'm rubbing elbows with the elite of music at the American Music Awards. Sting, Ariana Grande, Selena Gomez and more. Before I arrived to the red carpet on Sunday, I was offered $5,000 for one of my press passes. I passed because if you did that at the Oscars you might wind up in white collar prison. A young Media Guy would have done it. I'm either old or wise now...

I was super thrilled to see Gigi Hadid on the red carpet and host the show. However, I might be the only one who made this must-see TV. Variety says that barely eight million people watched last night’s American Music Awards (which was down a humongous 31% from 2015).

What else does that mean?

It means that right around eight million folks have sore faces from the involuntary face crumpling inspired by Gigi Hadid trying to bring the comedy on some random youtube episode. Her monologue with Jay Pharoah was an epic dumpster fire that you couldn't take your eyes off of.

I describe Gigi’s hosting performance in the same way many study executives describe my early Media Guy television show pitches: awkward, weird, stiff (not in a hot way) and left you needing several strong well drinks. But what really annoyed me was her demeaning imitation of our First Lady-elect.

During their opening, Pharoah did the obligatory impersonations of Jay Z and (of course) Donald Trump (he's from Saturday Night Live, folks, he had to). On the other side, Gigi forgot that she's Palestinian and all of the heartache the people from Palestine have endured over the year and unleashed a Melania Trump impression that was, well, awkward, weird, stiff (not in a hot way) and left you needing several strong drinks. Sure it's easy to impersonate Melania Trump. But do you have to? I mean Mrs. Trump is only the second foreign-born First Lady ever. If you don't like The DOn and his politics and immigration policies, rail on the man not the woman. Shaming a First Lady to be isn't the path to unifying America.

Geez, what happened to the Gigi who shoots out massive loads of charisma and personality? Sheesh! Disappointing.

Click here to watch - go to the 2:23 mark of the clip

On the flip slide of the girl-on-girl crime perpetuated by Gigi is Selena Gomez.

Over the last few months, Selena (yeah, I think I can call her that now after the St. Jude's Gala a decade ago) has been off the grid dealing with her lupus diagnosis and other issues rooted in the evil of Justin Bieber/the aftermath of being a Disney child star. On this night won an he AMA for Favorite Pop/Rock Female Artist and made us all cry:

“Thank you guys so much. In 2014, this stage was actually the first time that I was authentically 100% honest with all of you. I think it’s safe to say that most of you know a lot of my life whether I liked it or not. And I had to stop, ’cause I had everything, and I was absolutely broken inside. And I kept it all together enough to where I would never let you down, but I kept it too much together where I let myself down.

I don’t want to see your bodies on Instagram. I want to see what’s in here. I’m not trying to get validation, nor do I need it anymore. All I can say from the bottom of my heart is I am so grateful to have the opportunity to be able to share what I love every single day with people that I love. And I have to say thank you so much to my fans because you are so damn loyal, and I don’t know what I did to deserve you. But if you are broken, you do not have to stay broken. And if that’s anything, whether you respect me or not, that’s one thing you should know about me: is that I care about people.”

On an unrelated note, Selena’s former friend Kylie Jenner was so so confused by Selena’s speech, she probably whispered to one of the Dashes, "If you’re not putting your body on Instagram for attention, what the hell is the point? I mean if you aren't told regularly that your pictures violate their explicit content rules, then you're not trying.”

Maybe I should take this down - I don't want to be sued...In any case, on with the AMA / Media Guy Red Carpet Gallery:

Ariana Grande: Seeing a woman who looks like a 12 year old dressing sexy is forever awkward, weird, stiff (not in a hot way) and left you needing several strong drinks.