The AMAs and the One-Armed Man

A funny conversation happened to me during my mad rush to reach Los Angeles’ Nokia Theater to cover the American Music Awards for Fox. Cover might be a reach; I mean working the red carpet isn’t exactly a Pulitzer Prize assignment, but it helps pay the bills.

I know what you are saying right now, “Blah, blah, blah Media Guy…get to the freaking point.”

Okay, okay, sorry for digressing right at the start.

I ran into the talented and charming Ryan Stout. He’s a comedian who has made it to the big time on Comedy Central. H couldn’t resist telling me about what happened on a recent flight.

RYAN STOUT: I had a situation at the airport flying out of the country.

MEDIA GUY: What happened?

RS: There was a man getting on my flight. He only had one arm; just one.

MG: You mean like Dr. Richard Kimble?

RS: No, nothing like that. But he only had one arm. The arm, right at the shoulder, completely gone. No nub, no nothing. 

MG: Were you in danger?

RS: Quite the opposite. I’m watching him get on the plan, and all I could think was, “Please let me sit next to him.”

MG: Did you?

RS: I did! Wrong side. 

Believe me when I tell you he fought for the armrest! He fought for it. I can’t believe he didn’t want the window seat. Ruuuuuuuuude.

MG: How rude was he?

RS: I said to myself, “Oh great, I guess it’s my job to help with someone’s oxygen mask.” Then about half way through the flight, he said “do you know what the dinner is?” To which I replied, “cheese ravioli or braised chicken. Say if you get the chicken do I have to help you cut it?” He was taken aback, so I decided to make small talk. “Are you a big Def Leppard fan?”

Rick Allen aka the one-armed Def Leppard drummer.

MG: You didn’t…

RS: I did! But this is where I lucked out, because the one-armed man was not into chit-chat and that’s a good thing because if he wanted to introduce himself [chuckles] I was not shaking that hand. Because chances are…it’s not very clean.

MG: Oh my.

RS: No, that’s not a disgusting joke. I mean how do you wash one hand? That’s all I’m asking how do you do it? You get a little soap and then what? How do you get the back? How do you scrub the knuckles?

You’re looking at me funny? I just want a few answers and I’m tired of the judgment.

MG: There’s no judgment really…

RS: The one-armed man is a tricky situation and I know what you’re thinking. We’re quick to label.  We’re very quick to label as a country.  Like you steal a few office supplies, now all of the sudden you’re “unemployed.” You refused to pay for sex, now you’re that “broke honky.” You forget to pull out one time and now you’re the “father.”

MG: So you’re saying beware of one-armed men on airline flights?

RS: I know you want to clap for me right now for bringing this thinking to light. But the one-armed people don’t like the clapping. They give it one-thumbs-down. That’s the lowest score you can give.

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Honestly that was the funniest, politically incorrect conversation I’ve had in a decade. I laughed all the way to the AMAs. Here’s a few highlights…a link to the story that was filed (sorry I was a photographer only) and link to my photography handiwork. 

My AMA badge I posted on my Instagram account.

Miley Cyrus came in like a wrecking ball with her pops, looking mighty sharp.

 See all my pictures on Instagram by following me here.