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Monday, January 16, 2017

The Circus Has Died

The circus is dead.

But who killed it?

Smokey Robinson sang:

Well they're some sad things known to man
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown when there's no one around

Well, today, clowns are weeping. Trapeze ropes hang still. Elephants are kneeling, tusks bowed. One of the great niche occupations of all time, ringmaster, goes the way of the typewriter repairman. 

Surely you've heard by now that the iconic American institution, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus will perform its last show this May. That's when the Big Top will come to a big stop. They will be out of business, killed by the changing entertainment tastes and crushed by animal rights groups. 

The circus entertained millions of kids. They exposed them to a simpler, vaudevillian day when everything was center stage. No digital F/X were needed. Only entertainers and animals to bring that special smile. Even Jack Kent Cooke would let me take a break from stuffing season tickets to watch the show at the Fabulous Forum in Inglewood once or twice a year. 

Vegas shows such as Caesars Palace's Absinth mocked the traditional circus.
When the commercials started airing on your local channels in between I Love Lucy episodes you would write down the dates and ask mom or dad to get tickets. It was a wonderful thing in a time before horror movies demonized clowns, turning happy minstrels into something creepy and malevolent (even I have been guilty of that...). It was before PETA decided that circus animals were being humiliated and mistreated. It was before the internet made the circus blasé. It was before showy Cirque du Soleil made traditional circuses seem about as hip as my Members Only jacket.

I'll tell you what...Charles Edward Ringling is spinning in his grave.

Declining ticket plunged further last year when the circus acquiesced to animal rights groups and retired their elephants. I'm not quite sure I got the outrage or the lawsuits over that. If a circus elephant, an elephant in the wild, and a zoo elephant all walk into a party, which one has the best stories to tell?

Partygoer: "What do you do?"

Elephant in the Wild: "I'm always running, living in fear of constant attack. Just last week a lion ate my son and I gored a tusk poacher after a blow dart narrowly whizzed past my trunk."

Zoo Elephant: "Oh, I mostly stand all day or take a bath in front of an ogling crowd. I'm in the living hell of a bar-less prison!"

Circus Elephant: "I was forced to retired. But before that I was an entertainer. I performed in front of sold-out arenas...cheered nightly. I was a star! Now I drink heavily, cascading in a spiraling abyss of depression and wallow in my own stink."

The sad part for the Media Guy is that now that all of the hoopla and ballyhoo of the Ringling Brothers Circus has has subsided, so does a once-incredible media budget. Estimated advertising expenditures topped $25 million annually in the last decade. That a lot of ads purchased. Now an entire collective of media buyers could be left without air time to buy. Which also means will probably have to see more Capital One, Geico and Progressive commercials.

*Sigh*

AD OF THE WEEK/MONTH/WHATEVER
Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey 
circa 1978

The Greatest Show on Earth is coming to town, courtesy of the Ronald McDonald doppelgänger.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

RIP Brudda

"Macho Man" Randy Savage..."Rowdy" Roddy Pipper..."Superfly" Jimmy Snuka.

They're all gone.

The Rock, Dwayne Johnson announced it on Twitter today:


Don't be so fast to dismiss this as another wrestler death. Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka made childhood that much better.

He was beloved in my home. My dad and I had season tickets to the World Wrestling Federation at the old Los Angeles Sports Arena. We would go every six weeks and sit ringside. My best friend Charlie was the Samoan. I was the Superfly. Snuka introduced me the the rigors of manipulating an audience. As a kid, you dreamed of having everyone in the room glued to your every word in the your future boardroom. He gave you the inspiration to take that into your life, albeit a more calm version.

He was mesmerizing and his interviews were legendary. When the mic was turned over to him, nothing could stop him. Don't believe me? Watch this tour de force from 1983:


I first caught a glimpse of him on Ted Turner's WTBS Georgia Championship Wrestling. He was a wild man who disrupted matches. They didn't let him speak muchbut then he met Vince McMahon.

The Superfly made the move to McMahon's World Wrestling Federation in 1982 as a heel (or bad guy), kicking off a memorable rivalry with champion Bob Backlund. Strangely enough, every had a tough time booing him and many were heartbroken (yes, I said heartbroken for a wrestling match) when he attempted the fame "Superfly Splash" off the top of the steel cage, with Backlund rolling out of the way just in time. I took the word of the announcers who claimed he was 25-feet above his prone opponent. I don't think I have recovered to this day when I discovered it was more like 10-feet.


Snuka did the heavy lifting in an era prior to Hulk-a-Mania as the World Wrestling Federation's biggest star. In the pre-Hulk Hogan days, he was selling out arenas and setting Saturday morning ratings records without even being champion - no small feat. He became national news with his most memorable moment (and possibly in the history of wrestling) after he turned into a fan favorite and was assaulted by "Rowdy" Roddy Piper on an episode of "Piper's Pit."

In one of the most infamous, racist segments to ever appear on television, Piper smashed a real coconut open on Snuka's head, then began to whip and yell superstar.


Through it all I was there, taking pictures at ringside and living and dying with every interview. I modeled my speeches after him and practiced speaking in front of a mirror because of him. I flew to Hawaii to visit Charles one year and convinced him to show me the Superfly's home, hoping to get a selfie with him before there was even such a thing. Alas he wasn't home.

I grew up and got a real job and a college degree and along with way listened to the girlfriends and people who ripped on fake wrestling. What they didn't know is that the Superfly was a real hero. To me at least. He taught me how to command a room and not look back. He taught me that when life smashes you with coconuts, you get up and persevere. Life takes perseverance. Snuka was at the forefront of that somehow. He was a mentor of a future Media Guy.

Today, at 73, James Reiher Snuka aka Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka is gone.

RIP Brudda.


Thursday, January 12, 2017

CANCELLED: An Open Letter to Air Canada

Listen...I don't mean to poop all over the airlines during the holiday season, but between Iberia Airlines' $5 Nescafé and my latest escapade on Air Canada Rouge, I had to open up iPhone Notes and put my grievances to paper...

Just who conceived this ad anyway?
Dear Air Canada:

Okay, I get it. It's January and you're hell bent on showcasing how to screw up a great start to 2017.

Before I get the what's really bothering me, let me just say you need to get your freaking act together. I checked the flight board in my terminal and the majority of your flights seem to be either delayed or cancelled. That's no way to treat your customers.

So yeah yeah "bad weather*" delayed your flight out of Toronto (to the tune of three plus hours), which also means my flight that's supposed to be on the turnaround back to the Great White North is also delayed and my connection will be long gone. Translation? I'll be sleeping in a crappy transfer hotel that smells like mold and eating equally crappy hotel food with airline vouchers that never quite cover a full meal.

*sigh*

Seriously? $44.95 for the day pass?
After boarding your 767-300ER plane with overhead bins just big enough to accommodate a couple of duty free bags and a jacket (no I'm not kidding), I settled into my hardened seat with no less than four pieces of leftover trash in the seat pocket in front of me and noticed something alarming: there were NO entertainment options on this flight.

-No monitors mounted in every seat (as promised on your braggadocios website). Not a series of miniature displays ready to motor down after we take off.

-Not a screen mounted on the bulkhead wall. No magazines or newspapers.

-No Sharper Image Monopoly boards to engage my chatty seat mates.

Nope.

Nothing.

I mean I could have purchased an all day wifi pass if I had $44.95 CAD to blow, or if there was a USB port to plug into after my battery waned. Jeez, who would have guessed that a scheduled 9 hour, 10 minute flight would have bubkis?

Certainly not me.

Just then a curious pamphlet screamed to me like a beacon through the seat pocket litter. It read simply: "Player".

The pamphlet showed the standard smiling Caucasian blonde mother accompanied by her pre-requisite matching 9-year-old daughter in coveralls learning to maneuver on some kind of tablet. She was being helped by a well-appointed African-Canadian flight attendant who seemed eager to kneel down endlessly in the aisle to guide the entitled pre-teen.

(Seriously! Who casts these ads? This one screamed "clueless 1970s ad man" from the second I picked it up. White passengers. Black servers. C'mon already Air Canada! We don't do ads like this anymore.)

Yet, I digress...

Anyway, this pamphlet solved the mystery...read along with me now, "We hope you are enjoying Player. Air Canada Rouge's complimentary in-flight entertainment system. If you'd like the enjoy Hollywood new releases and popular games or if you left your device at home, ask your Rouge Crew about renting and Air Pad 2 for only $10."

It was written in English AND French so it had to be friendly and true, right?

Yeah, thanks Air Canada!
So this is where I get psyched. I have so many devices that could conceivably work. Between my MacBook Pro, mini iPad, and iPhone I must have this wired. One quick ring to the flight attendant** should get me rolling so I could watch Ghostbusters or The Magnificent Seven or even the Christmas classic Die Hard.

And then the bubble burst. My flight attendant let me know that the complimentary portion of their player system was an app that needed to be downloaded prior to takeoff. It was casually suggested that I could download the app and set it up if I purchased the 30-minute wifi pass for $8.95 CAD. Ugh.***

I wound up purchasing the iPad rental for $10; don't know why. A young Media Guy would have stood on principle and gone sans entertainment as a silent protest to the airline nickel and dime money grab. The older version just wanted to watch Bruce Willis save Christmas at Nokatomi Plaza.

Thanks Air Canada once again. Now I know why there over one thousand posts with the hashtag #AirCanadaSucks on Instagram.

And to top it all off? You lost my luggage even though I checked with your people three times in Toronto.

Get your act together.

With tough love and all due respect,
The Media Guy

P.S. Special shoutout to Mike Waring. He's the manager at the Toronto Airport Air Canada connection desk. Despite having ample time to put me on a half-full Air Canada flight that wouldn't take off for nearly an hour, he told me I was out of luck. He doubled down by letting me know there was nothing I could say to make him change his mind. Through a mock genuine smile, he reported that a lot of work was put into placing me on a flight tomorrow. In turn, I let him know that possessing a Napoleonic attitude was no way to run a transfer desk. I mean he didn't even leave me time to go to the Hockey Hall of Fame. Although my high-brow insult carried excellent comedic timing, I think he won this battle. Thanks Mike!

--------------

*-I'm still trying to figure out the bad weather thing since there was no snow or rain or icy conditions in Toronto, nor in sunny Spain where my flight originated. Ah, the airline industry, where lying is just a way of life.

**-By the way, there were no Canadian-African flight attendants as suggested in the pamphlet. Sadly, there weren't any smiles either.

***-Air Canada, take a note: JetBlue is now giving all passengers free Wi-Fi.


Sunday, January 8, 2017

Eavesdropping at the 2017 Golden Globes

Okay, so where am I?

Before I get to that, allow me to go back to my Café Squatters story for just a minute and talk about
this woman on the left. The New York style work area table at Starbucks meant to house 8-10 people was relatively full as I try feverishly to finish this column after retouching hundreds of photos for my Golden Globes assignment. There was an empty spot, so I asked her if that seat was taken. Her reply was that she was using the seat and spot...for a foot rest. It takes all kinds these days.

So know you know that I am (or was) at the Beverly Hilton on the red carpet basking in the wacky opulence known as the Golden Globes. Most of you already know that La La Land won Best Motion Picture and Brad Pitt made a surprise n stage appearance on stage to the delight of the crowd. But, as you know, all of the real fun happens off camera, including Justin Timberlake making sure the drinks were flowing and Kurt Russell and Jeff Bridges exchanging phone numbers.

On the carpet, Justin Timberlake holds wife Jessica Biel’s hand while she chats with with Amy Adams’ husband, Darren Le Gallo. Designer Tom Ford hugs Timberlake who tells him: "The only reason I ever look nice is I learned to dress from you." Meanwhile Timberland tries to make an exit inside. "Find us!" Biel tells Le Gallo as they depart

The Golden Ticket.
Laurence Fishburne tries to get past security and then notices he doesn’t have his ticket. He calls someone on his phone, in a mock (?) panic "I have no idea where my ticket is or is supposed to be."

Kerry Washington introduces her husband, Nnamdi Asomugha, to Stranger Things' Millie Bobby Brown. "I told you about him at the party," Washington tells Brown. "He's such a big fan of yours!"

One half of Hollywood's most beautiful couple, Blake Lively, cheers for the other half, Ryan Reynolds as he stands from the table to present the night's first award. He accidentally knocks into her updo, but it doesn't moved. She's a goddess, that's why.

Justin Timberlake pours a glass of vino for everyone at his table then offers the bottle to Felicity Jones. Meanwhile, as his wife and best actress nominee Annette Bening stands from the table, Warren Beatty kisses her cheek and says, “You look beautiful!” Seeing Denzel Washington’s wife and her pal, Pauletta, Bening goes over and gives her a hug and kiss.

Kerry Washington with a young fan.
In the press room, Billy Bob Thornton gestures toward the microphone manager and quips, "That's quite a pole you got there!" That's something coming from the polemaster. Thornton is super humble, looking cool and mellow wearing his shades inside. After taking home one of the fist-sized trophies, he thanked the Hollywood Foreign Press for choosing him over Better Call Saul's Bob Odenkirk.

The feeling never gets old! After nabbing the award for her role in The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story, Sarah Paulson steps off stage and admits, “I’m shaking!” She takes a photo but is distracted when she hears more cheering. “Did the show just win?” she asks. Indeed, the hit earns a Best Limited Series and Paulson heads right back on stage.

Yours truly.
Oooooops? While posing for a picture off stage with Amy Schumer and Ryan Gosling, Goldie Hawn jokingly falls onto the hunky La La Land actor, "She fell into his nook and giggled!"

Back in the press room, Viola Davis says the night will wrap too late for her to squeeze in jacuzzi time. She report that she'll celebrate her Fences best supporting actress win with hubby and a glass of Prosecco at home.

In the press room, Nocturnal Animals best supporting actor winner Aaron Taylor-Johnson is cut off as the audio feed switches over to Ryan Gosling’s acceptance speech. Taylor-Johnson stood there awkwardly holding his award then left, but no hard feelings: "Gosling amazing!” he says.

Someone accidentally steps on Anna Kendrick’s Vionnet dress, which prompts the actress to question her decision: “Why do I wear a dress with a train? Every year I ask myself this.” After she loses, Rachel Wood heads straight for the bar outside the ballroom. Bottoms up!

HBO Invite :)
There were some good zingers last night. Here's some of the highlights:

"The film Florence Foster Jenkins is nominated. The character has been dubbed the world’s worst opera singer and even she turned down performing at Donald Trump’s inauguration."
-Jimmy Fallon in his opening monologue

"Thank you, first of all, to the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for this amazing honour. I suppose it’s made more amazing by the fact that I’ll be able to say that I won this at the last ever Golden Globes. I don’t mean to be gloomy. It’s just that it has the words ‘Hollywood,’ ‘foreign,’ and ‘press’ in the title."
-Hugh Laurie wins best supporting actor in a TV drama

"You make me proud to be an artist. You make me feel that what I have in me – my body, my face, my age – is enough."
Viola Davis introduces Meryl Streep

"Hollywood is crawling with outsiders and foreigners, and if you kick us all out, you’ll have nothing to watch except for football and mixed martial arts, which are not arts."
-Meryl Streep picks up the Cecil B DeMille lifetime achievement award

"This is for all the women, women of color, and colorful people, whose stories, ideas and thoughts are not always considered worthy and valid and important. But I want you to know that I see you. We see you."
-Tracee Ellis Ross wins best comedy actress

"It’s not a problem. A dead bird never leaves its nest."
-John Lithgow channels Winston Churchill when he realizes his zipper is undone

"While I was singing and dancing and playing piano and having one of the best experiences I ever had on a film, my lady was raising our daughter, pregnant with our second, and trying to help her brother fight his battle with cancer. If she hadn’t taken all that on so that I could have this experience, there would surely be someone else up here other than me today. So sweetheart, thank you."
-Ryan Gosling thanks Eva Mendes in his best actor speech

"Take your broken heart, make it into art."
-Meryl Streep quotes late friend Carrie Fisher

"I’ve been to the Globes six times, and I’ve worn a dress every time. And I love dresses. I’m not trying to protest dresses. But I wanted to make sure that young girls and women know that they aren’t a requirement. And you don’t have to wear one if you don’t want to. And to just be yourself because your worth is more than that. So, I said, this year I’m going homage to Marlene Dietrich and Victor/Victoria and David Bowie, because it’s his birthday."
-Evan Rachel Wood on the red carpet.


The Red Carpet Gallery

Justin Timberland and Jessica Biel - the drinking couple.
Radiant in yellow: Emily Ratajkowski
Gosling: A good year to be a Ryan in Hollywood.
Ryan (Reynolds) and Blake Lively: The most beautiful couple in Hollywood.
She's a goddess.
There was a lot of free Fiji water. Kristen Bell is no dummy.
Monica Bellucci is 52 which makes me look 70!
Sofia Vergara - always the best part of the red carpet.
Mel Gibson hits the red carpet with pregnant girlfriend Rosalind Ross.
Lovely Drew Barrymore
Why oh why do you wear the dress train every year, Anna?
Who doesn't have a crush on Amy Adams?
Adams with Arrival co-star Jeremy Renner.
Benning and Beatty - still looking good.
Only they could make us roots for the Russians (serious watch the Amerikans!).
Jonah Hill lives THE LIFE! Hanging with Ryan G. and nominated for Oscars. #Dreams
Sansa is all grown up now! 
Travolta and Paulsen: It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.
Priyanka Chopra and Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Dirty Jokes Backstage.
Viola Davis: No time for wine...








Friday, January 6, 2017

Ordering Espresso in Madrid

Okay, so where am I?

Madrid called me around the holidays (actually Spanish Television called to do a table read in the never-ending journal to get the Media Guy Struggles pilot made into something real - in any language) and I was all in.

As is the case back home near Hollywood, I didn't sleep much. Because of that I got up close and personal with Spanish coffees looking to keep that edge and get my show made.

If I had to guess I would say that America became obsessed with Starbucks (west coast) Dunkin' Donuts (east coast) coffee not for the taste, but for the simplicity - it was much easier to simply order "a cup of coffee." Not to mention the to-go factor. As a culture, we've developed a global stereotype (particularly acknowledged by Europeans and Middle Easterners) that our coffee is watered down, dull and hardly enjoyed, sipped or swigged in huge cups at the speed of a 7-Eleven Big Gulp®. It wasn't until the introduction of Starbucks that we thought we got a little more class, that our coffee consumption skyrocketed to include fancy-pants sizes and milk variations with shiny flamboyant Italian nicknames.

Then around 2005 something called the Gibraltar happened in San Francisco to a once-little company named Blue Bottle Coffee - which if you know anything about being hip has helped spawn a catalyst within the Northern California coffee movement, as well as along the West Coast, over to New York and popping up in London (although they have a lot of influence from the Aussies, whom also make excellent coffee). But did that really happen? Was that really an invention? Or a renaming of the existing Spanish cortado? All finger pointing aside, coffee and espresso drinks are some of the most widely consumed beverages in the world, and the manner in which they are ordered and prepared differs according to countries, backgrounds or the baristas' habits.

The Spanish people have developed quite a taste, or perhaps dependency on coffee since its arrival from Turkish immigrants in the 17th century. The general consensus is that the coffee here is good, although it may be argued that the coffee tastes better in Italy and Portugal, and certainly worse in France.

What do you need to know to order an espresso drink or coffee in Spain?

Spaniards aren't known to eat a hefty breakfast, in fact for a true experience during your stay in the country, steer clear of restaurants or cafes offering an American or British breakfast. On a given day, the local eateries will be filled with common citizens, or even hotshot politicians (if they dare show their faces), munching a pastry, or toasts with tomato pulp with their café con leche, 1:1 ration of strong coffee or espresso with steamed milk, or what we might register as a caffé latte.

That said, coffee in Spain is consumed at all hours of the day, particular after larger meals or in the late afternoon at the merienda hour (5-7p roughly) served alongside a slice of olive oil or egg yolk cakes. Besides this fact -- you'll soon see for yourself during your time in Spain a culture of tomando un café (or tomar un café -- to have a coffee) via patios, terraces, cafes, bars, gas stations, and restaurants offering all sorts of food stuff but also always coffee, and this practice is not only a time for caffeine, but an opportunity to catch up and meet with friends, family, colleagues, or intercambios (language exchanges).

Café Solo - a very strong and small serving of coffee; generally a single shot of espresso. I have no statistics to prove this theory, but I most commonly witness people ordering this version after lunch for a quick pick-me-up, therefore reducing the likelihood of falling into a food coma, or after dinner for the sobremesa chats and table lingering.

Café Solo Doble* - same as above but with a double shot of espresso and maybe a larger vessel (pending the bar/cafe)

(Café) Cortado - an espresso cut with steamed milk (from Spanish verb cortar), typically 1:1 - 2:1 espresso to milk ration, and served in a short and stout glass. It's similar to the piccolo in Australia, the Gibraltar in US and to the Italian version of a caffé macchiato. Popularly ordered around the merienda hours to give a little jolt as well as the illusion of eating something sweet between meals (with the addition of sugar packets most likely).

Café con Leche - to reiterate from above, this is one of Spain's most popular drinks, and often the favorite for its balanced flavors and comforting sensations, equal parts milk and coffee. Breakfast is a common timeframe for this size, as is the merienda a 5pm snack hour, but it's really as classic as El Clasico (a futbol / soccer match). Sometimes this drink will be served table-side, with the waiters pouring the (very) hot milk into a short & skinny glass, or wide brimmed demitasse cup.

(Café) Americano - an espresso shot served in a larger glass and watered down. Usually ordered by out-of-towners looking to replace their usual coffee routine since you won't find filtered coffee in many places in Spain; espresso machines are the norm, or instant coffee.

Café Manchado - a less common order, but a popular choice nonetheless for those that like their caffeinated beverages just "stained," the literal term for staining a short (café con leche) glass of milk with a small amount of espresso. May also be referred to on some menus as a lágrima - from other Spanish speaking countries like Argentina.

Café con Hielo - during the hot summer months the Spaniards cool down with this espresso and ice cubes, served in a whiskey glass.

Café Suizo - a shot of espresso served with a dollop of whipped cream; identical to the Italian 'espresso con panna' although not very common on Spanish menus.  (I like La Granja Viader in Barcelona for this drink because of their homemade cream).

Café Bombon - a café solo (espresso) served with a hefty spoonful of condensed milk, thought to have originated in Valencia, Spain.

Carajillo - a café solo served with a touch of brandy, although whiskey or rum can be substituted.

Trifásico - a less common and often regionally ordered drink along the Costa Brava and Costa Blanca, the trifásico includes three ingredients: coffee, milk/cream/or condensed milk and a liquor (usually anything from whiskey, brandy to Baileys).

Know your caffeine preference upfront, otherwise they will assume you want regular or strong espressos and coffee. Typically decaffeinated, descafeinado, comes from an instant coffee packet,  so if you want decaffeinated and from the espresso machine you must request for example, café _________ + descafeinado de maquina.

AND if you didn't have enough already: You also have the option to speak up about your exact coffee preferences; so with the cortado or the café con leche you could order 'corto de café' (literally short on coffee) or 'largo de café' (long on coffee).

*Double shots - If you're looking for more caffeine that resembles a ristretto then you'll need to request that your drink be made as a double shot; the standard is one. To do this, use the above terminology but add doble to the end, e.g. Café con leche doble, cortado doble, manchado doble.
**Also note in Spain, unlike in Italy (or other countries that I haven't visited yet), if you would like a glass of water to go with your coffee, you must ask your server for it - un vaso de agua por favor.

Sugars / Sweeteners
Spaniards are quite generous with their sugar packets, the processed white variety, or common table sugar. Bars and cafés often put of a lot of effort into insuring that theirs are printed with their business name and address (reminds me of the omnipresent matches in the US during the 90s). Should you need more however, simply ask "me traes /or me das un poco de azúcar por favor?" (will you bring / give me sugar please?). If you're a fiend for raw sugar, azúcar de caña,  is the courser, less processed version (sometimes) available.

Honey is very rare to accompany coffee in Spain, but still worth a shot if this is your preference, and you ask nicely. The word for honey is (la) miel.

Now the above mentioned list should allow you to order a coffee or espresso throughout any part of Spain with no problems. Be sure to visit my favorite neighborhood vendors and recommended coffee shops; Toma Café in Madrid, La Bicicleta, and Satan's Coffee Corner in Barcelona (more Spanish coffee shop recommendations at bottom of page).

However, if you plan to "monkey see monkey do" and order a coffee like a local when in Málaga, then pay attention to the following:

Café Central tucked along a narrow side street in the old city of Málaga has claimed the invention of the following coffee ordering standard, a brain scramble, un cacao mental, for outsiders but none the less a fascinating Andalusian idiosyncrasy. The story goes that the camarero, D. José Prado Crespo, or Pepe for short, was fed up of dealing with crazy customers requests, "Pepe ponme un poquito más" "a little more coffee/milk" or "¡ya está! suficiente leche ya" "OK, that's enough milk." He developed a ten level café system to simplify his work life as well as the lives of his coworkers.

Ordering a coffee in Málaga, Spain requires a bit of practice. Or point and smile : )

Since its conception, the system has been adopted by the majority of the baristas and servers around Málaga. It goes like this: nube, sombra, corto, entrecorto, mitad, solo corto, semi-largo, largo, and the solo. The nube, or cloud, contains a splash of coffee, the mitad is equal parts 1:1 coffee and milk, and the solo is the same as in the rest of Spain, all black. However nowadays we give the servers even more work, non-fat milk, soy requests, or even the size of the glass is ultimately "your wish is my command."

If the above is altogether too complicated, ordering "un cappuccino, por favor," will be internationally understood. Just keep your standards in check, this won't be Italy -- which according to the INEI consists of: "traditional cappuccinos are made up of 25ml of espresso and 125ml of steam-whipped milk, starting with cold milk (3-5°C) and brought to a temperature of about 55°C and then poured over Italian certified espresso in a cup the size of 150-160ml. The milk must be fresh bovine with a minimum of 3.2% proteins and 3.5% fat, and steam-whipped in a specific way." Precise isn't it?

Maybe a café con leche in Spain is the way to go after all!