The Best and the (Mostly) Worst of the Super Bowl LV Commercials

Okay, so where am I? 

Let's just say that I wasn't one of those 25,000 people who was watching Tom Brady become the greatest of all time. (The kids tell me to just say GOAT, but when I was a youngster, the goat was someone who failed in THE big moment). Let's just say I'm in the same place that I have been for the last 45 weeks. That should narrow it all down. 

The big question is, how come 25,000 people got to go to the big game went we are told to not gather with others to the point where places like Oregon want to arrest you or fine you if you. Here you have the two sides with two agendas:

Meanwhile money ruled the day, especially for the telecast of the game. CBS released their Super Bowl rate card for 30-second commercial spots at $5.6 million which kept the average cost level with last year's game. In the midst of the ongoing pandemic, CBS didn't sell out until late January (Fox sold out its ad inventory in November and had to add two and a half minutes of commercials to meet demand). What's worse for CBS, they had to undercut the opening price to actually achieve sold out status. (Adweek reports that Scotts Miracle-Gro purchased an :30 in mid-January at a discounted $5.5 million.) If you wanted to be included in the CBS Super Bowl live stream, advertisers had to pony up another $300,000. 

On the Tom Brady-Boston divorce, it was very apparent that one-half of the couple clearly missed the other a whole lot...

On the total ratings front, CBS and reported that 96.4 million viewers watched "across all platforms, including the CBS Television Network, CBS Sports and NFL digital properties, Buccaneers and Chiefs mobile properties, Verizon Media mobile properties and ESPN Deportes television and digital properties." This is the lowest the Super Bowl viewership since 2006. On the bright side of things for CBS, the game performed better on digital, with 5.7 million streamers setting a Super Bowl record and is up 65% over last year. It's hard to spin these Super Bowl ratings into a positive story, with the numbers plummeting despite the much-hyped matchup of star QBs, snowstorms in the Northeast snowstorms, and a litany of other factors that should have pointed to an increase in ratings. But... 

This game will be the most viewed U.S. telecast of 2021 by a wide margin. The NFL remains as the most powerful TV product in America. The Super Bowl shows that when it comes to ratings, a competitive game matters more than any other factor and this game was the second biggest Super Bowl blowout in the last 18 years. 

Now onto the good stuff...

If you thought the Super Bowl ads from 2017 were awkward and weird and tried too hard to fit the cultural narrative, you need to see some of the misfires from this year’s game. I don’t need to remind you that 45 weeks of lockdowns and hearing about washing your hands, wear a mask, and social distancing produced a million disastrous situations for our friends, families, and countries. This year a bunch of ads paid homage to the big issues (but passed over the particulars) while others presented ambiguous pushes for national unity as they opportunely failed to reference exactly what it was that’s divided us. These ads didn’t land because, well, you can’t actually have an effectual unity or compassion message without specifics—but then again, you can’t say too much or you run the risk of offending one side of the country and maybe both. 

Winners

General Motors

Will Ferrell.

Awkwafina.

Kenan Thompson.

Bad Scandinavian Navigating.

 

What more do you want?

General Motors’ ad agency crafted this tour de force depicting Ferrell as an electric vehicle enthusiast with a curious resentment against Norway, because it “sells more electric cars per capita than the U.S.” If it’s up to Ferrell that won’t last long as GM has long been ahead of the Green New Deal promising to release 30 new electric vehicles by 2025. 

Eat it, Norway! But much like energy czar John Kerry who flies everywhere in his private jet, the stars of this spot expanded their carbon footprint multi-fold by embarking on a spur-of-the-moment and pointless trip to Scandinavia.

Bud Light Seltzer

Physical comedy reigns kings again. The commercial starts like this…

“When did Bud Light Seltzer start making lemonade? Probably when 2020 handed us all those lemons.” 

And that’s where the fun begins as it starts raining lemons like cats and dogs, and smashing anyone unfortunate enough to stand in their path—kind of like 2020 itself! As we know too well, the tragedies of the past year are best met head on with a stead diet of alcohol. 

M&M’s

M&M’s never fail to deliver cleverness while reminding you that you should consume some chocolate covered in a hard candy shell that melt in your mouth and not in your hands Schitt’s Creek actor Dan Levy fresh off an appearance on Saturday Night Live appearance (nice push-pull there M&M’s) apologizes to the a couple of outdoor dining M&Ms for eating their brothers and sisters only see a twist of fate for the candy. 

Paramount+

On March 4th, CBS All Access will be no mate as it rebrands itself as Paramount Plus on March 4th and you got my attention with this ad uniting some of the biggest stars and characters that we all will be be able to watch on the revamped and reinvigorated streaming network. Patrick Stewart (Star Trek: Picard)  Beavis and Butt-Head, Dora the Explorer, Jeff Probst (Survivor), Tom Selleck (the Frank Reagan Blue Bloods iteration), Christine Baranski (The Good Fight’s Diane Lockhart and Spock (Ethan Peck), and more on top of Mount Paramount.

Losers

Elon Musk’s SpaceX

Inspiration4, a project of Elon Musk’s SpaceX, wants dreamers like us to think big and envision ourselves in outer space: 

“This fall, Inspiration4 launches as the first all-civilian mission to space … and you could be on board,” says the ad, directing our curiosity to their website. 

This was a great twist on most Super Bowl ads offering humdrum fantasies of driving mid-level E- or S-class cars or diving into a fresh bag of chips—you know, the stuff impulse buys are made of. If the objective was to get me to their website (it did), but I think like most of us we’ve seen this episode of The Simpsons (they predict everything) and it went poorly for everyone. 

Doritos

Alright, alright, alright… 

Matthew McConaughey stars as a startling 2D being who repels everyone he meets in this year’s Doritos ad. It’s safe to say that this spot is not funny and if it were locked into your dreams you’d wake in a cold sweat from that nightmare. All of this to shill for Doritos 3D, and its new puffy 3D shaped chip. After sliding into a vending machine in 2D form and stealing a bag of chips, McConaughey is restored to his normal shape and size inside the fat-dispensing device. Sweet payback. Still not funny.

Guinness

Sure Joe Montana is 4-0 in the Super Bowl and never threw an interception in the big game. The time of the commercial was ill-advised and the outcome proved that Tom Brady is the true goat.

The Tears of Confusion Award

Toyota

Ok I cried, but what does it have to do with Japanese cars?

The “What the F%(#” Award

Oatly

The well sought-after “What the F%(#” award to Oatly. What’s Oatly you ask? Why it’s a somewhat unknown supplier of oat milk and oat milk–related goods. CEO Toni Petersson wasted nearly $6 million—well, way over that number when you factor in production costs to make the spot and agency fees—on a vanity piece on a maudlin country field lounge act replete with bad singing about “how oat milk is like milk, but made for humans.” Oh yes, but only if you’re a smug granola cruncher. (Apologies to the granola crunchers and/or those who are lactose intolerant.) What's worse is that the company couldn't event be bothered to put the commercial on their social media accounts. Sheesh!

Meanwhile, the Internet is undefeated!:

The Big Tech is Still Coming for You Award

Amazon Alexa

Just another example of big tech stealing from you. This time they are plotting to entice your wife with Michael B. Jordan reading to her in the bath tub creating fantasies for her as she moans in pleasure as she fogs up the windows in her high-rise office, (forever) lost in some erogenous illusion. 

“Alexa…stay away from my wife!”

The Best and the Worst of the Super Bowl LIII Commercials

Okay, so where am I?

Let's just say that Tom Brady and Bill Belichick chased down their record-breaking sixth Super Bowl crown. That should narrow it all down.

On Sunday, huge brands like Budweiser and Pepsi once again spent millions of dollars from their advertising budgets in the hopes of catching your attention during what should be the year’s most-watched television event. While the ratings were the lowest since 2009, the numbers still boggle imagination:

Last five super Bowl overnight ratings:

2019: 44.9 (Pats-Rams, CBS)
2018: 47.4 (Eagles-Pats, NBC)
2017: 48.8 (Pats-Falcons, Fox)
2016: 49.0 (Broncos-Panthers, CBS)
2015: 49.7 (Pats-Seahawks, 49.7) https://t.co/ZCRN73DSpm

— Austin Karp (@AustinKarp) February 4, 2019

If you're a big budget advertiser, those numbers will cost you. How much? CBS charged another boggling number: a record $5.25 million for thirty seconds of airtime. The cost is slightly up from last year’s $5.2 million, and $1 million more than the cost to air a commercial during the 2014 Super Bowl. In just over a decade, the price of the average Super Bowl ad has nearly doubled from a price point of $2.69 million in 2008. If you go all the way back to the first-ever Super Bowl, in 1967, ads cost anywhere from $37,500  to $42,500, while 1995 marked the first year that the average cost crept into the millions, when 30-second ads sold for $1.15 million.

So who scored and who fumbled this year?

WINNERS

Olay
In the company's first Super Bowl ad—a horror-movie spoof featuring scream queen Sarah Michelle Gellar—the product is so good that the slasher wants to discuss her fantastic skin. Some panned it, but it was better than almost anything you'd see on Saturday Night Live.

Amazon
The "Not Everything Makes The Cut" spot is incredible in its comic timing and celebrity cameos. You had me at Harrison's Ford's dog ordering gravy.

The Washington Post
Because knowing empowers us.
Knowing helps us decide.
Knowing keeps us free.

Simply, this spot gave me chills. Simply. Awesome.

Captain Marvel
The Captain Marvel spot was the perfect thing to get the women in the house excited for a super hero movie.

Higher. Further. Faster. See #CaptainMarvel in theaters March 8. Get tickets now: https://t.co/BNTBGOLFnk pic.twitter.com/qD8Mz5o0sP

— Disney (@Disney) February 3, 2019

Hyundai
"The Elevator" spot with Jason Bateman (yeah, go binge watch Ozark, like now) showcased everything that is worse than buying a car. Apparently, buying a Hyundai is much better for the soul.

LOSERS

KIA
"Telluride"
Their Super Bowl ad included only people from the town of West Point (who weren't aware this would be used in the big game). I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to be nicer but I spent the first 15 seconds trying to understand what the VO person was saying.

Devour 
"Food Porn"

We all know what Devour was trying to do with the cheekiness of their spot. In the original spot the concerned girlfriend says, "My boyfriend is addicted to frozen food porn." Since you can't say "porn" at the Super Bowl, it was edited to say, "My boyfriend has an addiction." Katy Marshall, one of the marketing people behind the ad, told Yahoo Finance: "Some may say our new commercial is too hot for TV. We'll let the audience decide." Katy, let's just say that no one will be addicted to this ad...and...you should have called the Media Guy before spending $5.25 mill plus production costs.

Turbotax
"RoboChild"
A creepy robot child. Taxes. What could go wrong? Just this:

Burger King
"Andy Warhol"
Who pours ketchup from a bottle onto the crackling paper next to the burger? Who wants to #EatLikeAndy? Who wants to change the channel?

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LEAKED: Your Guide to the Super Bowl Commercials and Betting Props

Okay, so where am I?

Before I get to the top Super Bowl commercials leaked before Sunday, I just want to say that I feel a huge measure of vindication. "Why?" you ask? Because of stories like this from Variety:

Madison Avenue Hopes Super Bowl Ads Won’t Get Trumped by Politics

Analysis: Big Game. Small Ads?

Madison Avenue heavyweights say they don't want their ads to play off politics or social issues in Super Bowl LII. Will the commercials be as memorable as in years past?

Last year, post-Super Bowl, I said to "Blame Trump" for all of the misguided ads built for the game to combat the President and his perceived (or not-so-perceived agenda). The ads may have resonated for the snowflakes, but those of us who spend money in big quantity on consumer goods were appalled. True be told, I am still a little salty at my colleagues in the advertising world who let these ads push forward. I'll run down the winners and losers (mostly the losers) next week after I digest them in the moment.

Currently, I'm scouring the prop bets for the Super Bowl on Sunday and pretty thankful I placed a few dollars on the Eagles early and got six points back (the current line as of posting is the Patriots -4). What does that mean? I means the New England Patriots can win by five points and I can still win my bet. I'm feeling good about this since the the Patriots have won five of these recently, all by less than five points. Easy money? Ha! Only Las Vegas, offshore books, and local bookies make money on the big game.

Back to the prop bets, I'm considering a few:

-The coin toss is a fun prop that even the most casual bettor can embrace. This bet is slightly more advanced than picking heads or tails, but I like it more as there are some fun trends to note and wager on. Regardless of which side of the coin is called on Sunday—and for the record heads has come out 24 times and tails 27 times throughout the history of the Super Bowl—the NFC has found a way to consistently win the toss over the last two decades. The team representing the conference has won 18 of the last 20 coin tosses. My Pick? The Team That Wins Coin Toss Wins Game: No (-103).

-Color of Bill Belichick hoodie (must wear hoodie for action)

• Grey +120
• Blue +140
• Red +500

-Will winning team visit White House?

• Yes -200
• No +150

Total number of Donald Trump tweets during game?

• Over 5.5 (-115)
• Under 5.5 (-115)

I mean you can bet on anything, even the halftime show:

#SBLII props from @BetDSI

Timberlake first song

Can’t Stop The Feeling! +150
Sexyback +175
Rock Your Body +400
Cry Me A River +500
Mirrors +550
Filthy +750
True Colors +800
Love Never Felt... +900
What Goes Around…Comes Around +1000
Senorita +1250
Suit & Tie +1500
Field +200

— Covers (@Covers) January 23, 2018

Click here for the complete Super Bowl LII Prop Betting List...but before you do, watch the Top 15 Leaked Super Bowl LII Commercials:

Soft Balls

The Super Bowl with its 100 million plus viewers is around the corner. The recent deflated football scandal from last week's conference championship game brought to light that personal brand is the ultimate selling point. Sal Paolantonio, reporter for ESPN, aka the Worldwide Leader in Sports, theorized that New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, aka the best looking guy in sport and hubby of mega model Gisele Bündchen held a press conference yesterday to protect his brand. He reported that Brady was motivated to speak out of a carefully plotted plan to get back to pitching girly UGG Boots.

“Women don’t like cheaters,” said Paolantonio. “What’s the number one demographic that Tom Brady tries to sell Ugg boots to? Women. Guys are not going into the mall [and being like] ‘Let me get a pair of Uggs.’ No, guys don’t go into the mall for a pair of Uggs. Women do. This was clearly motivated because Tom Brady knows that his brand is damaged by this — not only on the football field, but what he sells off the football field.”

Moral of the story. Keep your balls firm when you're playing the branding game.

Speaking of brand, most celebrity endorsements seem rather obvious — or at least uninteresting and lacking inspiration. In the age of the second screen and on-demand information, when advertising is everywhere we look, it takes a lot more than Michael Jordan hawking his latest line of Nikes to get our attention. Advertising campaigns are at their most fun when we see something (or someone) out-of-the-box. When Wheaties recently put Madeleine Albright on the cover of their box, it prompted us to think of other unexpected brand representatives from recent (and not-so-recent) years.

Madeleine Albright
Wheaties

No, she was never an Olympic medalist or World Series winner, but former US Secretary of State Madeleine Albright is no less a champion — at least, according to Wheaties, who are attempting to redefine the term by awarding the diplomat the box-cover placement usually reserved for sports figures. And who are we to disagree? The former Representative to the United Nations has as many accomplishments in her field as star athletes have in theirs, making her as worthy of admiration as any Super Bowl MVP.

Joe Namath
Hanes Beautymist

Joe Namath was the ultimate counter-culture athlete at a time when America was questioning its identity. He grew his hair long, wore full-length fur coats on the sidelines, and famously backed up his guarantee of winning Super Bowl III. But he also had a charm and sense of humor that endeared him as a cultural icon, as he proved in this clever 1970s commercial for Hanes Beautymist pantyhose, which tricked many viewers into thinking they were admiring a woman’s legs. Sports have always been saturated with machismo, but only Broadway Joe was cool enough to pull off wearing women’s garments for millions to see.

Ron Burgundy
Dodge Durango

Okay, we’re cheating here, since Ron Burgundy is more of a fictional celebrity. But the real fun was how the Will Ferrell character touted the most basic features of the Dodge Durango, even going as far as appearing on Conan O’Brien's late-night show to call it “a terrible car.” Proving that there’s no such thing as bad advertising, the ads helped push a 59% sales increase for the Durango. Perhaps more importantly, the 70 clips produced for this campaign provided enough content to tide Ferrell’s fans over until the next Anchorman sequel.

Terry Quattro (Jeff Goldblum)
General Electric

Jeff Goldblum is also merely playing a so-called “famous person” here, but it’s too inventive to overlook. Directed by Tim and Eric, Goldblum’s "Terry Quattro" is only interested in how lighting can serve his vanity. Weird enough to be memorable and funny enough to be quotable, it’s also clever enough to use all these devices to effectively explain the advantages of General Electric’s new technology.

Tom Brady
UGG for Men

Tom Brady is one of the best quarterbacks in NFL history, and is also lucky enough to have the All-American good looks many advertisers covet. But what makes him an interesting spokesman is how he compares to other athletes that are much more approachable, like fellow MVP quarterback Peyton Manning. While Manning uses his affable personality and charm to endorse everyday products aimed at more mainstream consumers, Brady has been speaking for brands like UGG and Movado. These ads aren’t clever or funny or even relatable — but they establish a vision of class and luxury befitting someone who has led his team to five Super Bowls and married a supermodel.

Penelope Cruz
Nintendo

From Coca-Cola to L’Oreal, Penelope Cruz has done plenty of the kind of advertising you’d expect from a popular Oscar-winning actress — so it was a surprise to see her in ads for a product usually marketed to gamers and kids. Nintendo hired Cruz to appear in commercials for the Nintendo 3DS XL in 2012, in which she loses a bet to her sister over a game of the New Super Mario Bros. 2. Her debt? She had to dress up like the iconic plumber, complete with mustache. In doing so, Cruz delivered a performance that easily beats Bob Hoskins and Captain Lou Albano as the Best Super Mario tribute ever.

MGS Chat: Andrew Luck

Andrew Luck, the prince who replaced the king, takes center stage this weekend after staging one of the NFL's greatest playoff history. Before taking on the New England Patriots, he took a few minutes to hang with the Media Guy.

MEDIA GUY: What do you think about this Patriots defense and what can you take from last year’s game and your experience, or is that all by the boards at this point?

ANDREW LUCK: I think obviously the game has no bearing on this year, but I do think there is merit in going back and watching it and seeing certain things. I think it’s a great way to re-familiarize yourself with what Coach [Bill] Belichick does, but we put way more stock in the film from this year and what they’ve done. It’s a phenomenal defense – they get after the quarterback and have studs all around. 

MG: What are some of the things that stand out from last year’s game? 

AL: Yeah, you know I thought it was one tough, tough defense. I don’t want to dwell too much on last year. They do a great job of forcing turnovers, getting to the quarterback. We know it’s going to be a dogfight. 

MG: Schemes don’t necessarily change too much with teams from year to year. Do you think that you are more mentally prepared to handle the scheme of the Patriots this year than you were last year? 

AL: Yeah, I think so. I think I’ve improved. I am nowhere near perfect, but I think I’ve improved. They do such a great job of disguising and making everything look the same and then lo and behold it was different and, shoot, you did something stupid. So, I do feel like I’m better equipped to handle this. 

MG: I know it’s not really about you versus Tom Brady this weekend, but as a young quarterback in his second season, is it tough not to use the accomplishments and the arc of Brady’s career as something to strive towards? 

AL: He has definitely set the standard for success at the quarterback position. The way he handles himself, watching from afar, the competitive nature and basically all the right things he does. Yeah, I guess he is a barometer and he is the standard. 

MG: Have you sat down with Deion Branch yet and picked his brain? 

AL: It’s been a quick morning. I definitely will pick his brain. He is going to be a great addition to our team, but I haven’t had a chance to sit down. We’ve been rolling in and out of meetings. 

MG: Have you worked out with him at all? 

AL: I haven’t yet. 

MG: Speed and athleticism is great, but can you talk about the growth of T.Y. Hilton as a wide receiver versus an athlete? 

AL: Yeah, I mean phenomenal. I think everyone knows he’s a great athlete. It’s awesome to see him do so well this year because he’s worked at his craft so hard through the offseason through last year and this year. He’s always in Reggie [Wayne]’s ear about how to get open, what tricks of the trade to use. So, he’s a special football player, he works every day to get better and deserves all the success he gets. 

MG:  I think you’re 14-2 in games decided by seven points of loss, and the vast majority of those games have been fourth quarter comebacks. What would you attribute the success to in those close contests? 

AL: I think of it as more of a team statistic. Ever since I’ve been a part of this team guys have played hard for 60 minutes. I know in most of those games the defense has made an unbelievable stop or forced a turnover or the special teams makes a huge play or [kicker Adam Vinatieri] Vinny kicks a huge field goal to win it or you get a big momentum changing special teams play and offensively we manage to put some decent drives together. I think Coach [Chuck] Pagano and the attitude he sets is to play hard for 60 minutes and overtime if necessary, and we all buy into that. 

MG:  I know you enjoyed the victory last weekend, but how quickly did the conversation turn to, ‘Hey, we can’t keep falling behind like this in games?’ 

AL: We understand we can’t survive our mistakes forever, especially against a good, quality playoff football team. So, we’ll work at limiting those mistakes and then hopefully giving ourselves a fighting chance. 

MG: One of the things that you and Tom Brady have done this year is to adjust to a lot of different personnel around you. What’s been the most challenging aspect of that for you, and how have you been able to overcome it? 

AL: I think it is a challenge in different phases, but it is a great opportunity for everybody to come in, and guys have made the most of their opportunity, whether it’s wide outs or linemen or whoever it may be. I understand that it’s sort of the climate of the NFL and injuries are a terrible thing, but they do happen. We’ve been very fortunate, I think, to have great guys step up into those roles, whether it’s been for the whole season, or for a game, or for a quarter or whatever it may be. Everybody prepares like a starter and the next man up theme is a bit unfortunate, but it is real and it is part of the locker room. 

MG: How about for you personally - has it helped knowing that you can adjust to all these changing parts? 

AL: I haven’t really thought about it like that. I figure it’s part of being a professional – making sure you do your job no matter the circumstances surrounding it. [Quarterbacks Coach] Clyde Christianson and [Offensive Coordinator] Pep Hamilton have done a great job of making sure we all go out there feeling comfortable and no one is going out there feeling out of their element or unable to handle the load that’s given to them. So, I think a lot of credit [goes] to Pep for making it all work.” 

MG: Does it help that your offense is fluid? Bill Belichick said that it’s really a game plan type of offense based on what he’s seen, in that it can change from game to game. 

AL: Yeah I think it does. I think Pep has really done great job of giving us our best shot each week based on personnel and everything else. We go in feeling like we have a fighting chance to win each game if we can limit our mistakes. So, it’s been good. 

MG: You’ve had a league low number of penalties and you only had 14 turnovers this year. Is it a point of emphasis going against a team like New England that sort of craves winning those turnover battles? 

AL: Yeah, you know it’s an emphasis every week, and that’s something Coach Pagano has talked about from day one. Along with running the football and stopping the run, it’s turnover margin that he preaches day-in and day-out. We took that to heart this year and managed to do a decent job. Obviously we weren’t great at it last week, but we know we can’t do that when we play the Patriots. 

MG: Do you come back to that a little more after last week’s outing? 

AL: Oh yeah, you know you’re definitely aware of it, absolutely. They do such a great job. I think they’re plus-nine throughout the season. They do a great job, from what I understand, if you turn the ball over offensively they do a great job of getting points like that, obviously with a great quarterback. We definitely have to come back to it. 

MG: How much of the success that you’ve had in the no-huddle is attributable to the fact that you know the guys around you a little bit better? How much is timing and how much is just a schematic thing? 

AL: That’s a good question. I don’t know if I could put a percentage on everything, but it’s worked at certain times, at big times. Also the other tempos of offense have worked for us, so I think it’s great to have all those options. 

MG: I know you didn’t want to throw the interceptions last week, but I know on two of them you came right back and led the team to a touchdown. Could you speak to your ability to even the score so to speak? 

AL: I think you’ve got to have a short memory. When you playing with guys who trust you and you trust them it’s a lot easier to go on the field and right your wrong or atone for your sins, if you will. So, I think like any competitor you want to go out there and rectify it. I’m glad we could. 

MG: The Patriots defense took another hit this week when they lost another starter. What do you see form this defense that you’re preparing for? 

AL: They’re going to be tough. It’s going to be physical. They do a great job of disrupting timing and rhythm. They’re relentless and they’re well coached. They’re rarely out of position, so we know we’re going to have our hands full. 

MGS CHAT: Tom Brady

Tom Brady is the timeless quarterback of the New England Patriots. Married to THE supermodel and a three time Super Bowl Champion. A quick chat to get us ready for football.

Hopefully part II, where he discusses Giselle, will be on the horizon...

Q: What is your reaction to the signing of another quarterback in Tim Tebow?

TB: I think that any time, I don't really make decisions and transactions – whether we cut players or sign players or trade players. My reaction is very much like everyone else on the team. [I'm] just trying to focus on what I need to do and what I need to do to be a better player and certainly any time a new teammate comes in, you welcome them, try to do whatever you can to help them fit in and understand what we need to do. It's been a fun couple days.

Mr. and Mrs. Brady

Q: What were your impressions of Tim Tebow before he got here and does that match up with the first two days?

TB: I never was around him much. Anyone who has played in the NFL has a high level of talent to make it this far; to play this long over the course of an entire life to get to this point you obviously have to be talented. I have a lot of respect for everyone that plays and certainly what I've seen him do in the past.

Q: Do you worry about any of this being a distraction?

TB: I don't worry about much these days. I've been around long enough to see all different kinds of things happen – like I said, trades, people being cut, guys joining the team, all the media attention with what happened in 2007, post-Super Bowls, tough losses. It comes with the territory. I think everyone is prepared to deal with some level of different things that happen on a daily basis and to be mentally tough enough to push through and still be able to do your job at a high level is most important. That's really what you owe the team is to show up every day and do your job the best you can.

Q: Would you say that everyone in the quarterbacking group brings something a little different?

TB: Honestly every player on the team brings something a little bit different. That's all in hopes of us winning games. We have to all be able to go out there and contribute in some way. Coach always says, ‘Your role is what you make of it.' My role is to try to go out there and be a great quarterback: consistent, dependable, someone that the team can rely on. That's my approach every day that I walk through the door.

Q: There are a lot of new faces on offense, especially among the wide receivers. How are they adapting to this offense?

TB: We've had a lot of turnover this year, especially at that position. Really there hasn't been anyone that we've thrown to in any game action. That's going to be really important as the process develops. The only thing we can really work on is what we're doing now. Guys have really tried to do exactly what we ask them to do, whether they've been out there or not through the meetings, the walkthroughs. It's really been a fun group that's been open to learning and open to understanding how we do things, because how we do things is quite a bit different than how other teams do things, on the field and of the field. To try to come in and fit in and do their job, I give those guys a lot of credit for really stepping up to the challenge.

Q: How do you develop the chemistry that is so important to a quarterback and a wide receiver?

TB: It takes a lot of time. You just try to stay after it every day, as much time as you can communicating about certain looks, coverages, defensive personnel and alignments, route adjustments. It's really a matter of how you, the effort you put into it. Guys have been working pretty hard. We've been here the whole offseason to try to get up to speed. Like I said, the guys that have been here, everyone has made a bunch of improvements. Hopefully we continue to make improvements as mini-camp ends and the beginning of training camp starts.

Q: Bill Belichick talked this morning that OTAs and mini-camp are a time to lay a foundation. Do you think that you guys have done a good job of that so far?

TB: He talks about, you think it's just an OTA in the spring time and it's not that important and all those things that probably could enter your mind. The truth is, this lays the foundation for the start of training camp and if you have a good training camp, it usually means a good start to the season. A good start to the season leads to good position entering the second half of the season. Everything ends up having some significance to it. You're not just out here running plays and going through different things that aren't going to mean anything. We're out here trying to get a lot of things accomplished. I think we have done that, but there's still a lot of work to be done. It's really never ending, especially when you play for Coach Belichick. Especially in practices when the offense goes against the defense, because if the offense makes a play then the defense sucked and if the defense makes a play then the offense sucked so someone is really going to get yelled at on every play. There's always lowlights when we come in on the next day. Even if it was a great offensive play, he's going to yell at someone on the defense. We've become a bit used to that now and that's part of the learning process and also learning how to play for the Patriots and understand the criticism that you're getting and hopefully use it constructively so you can improve as a player.

Q: How inquisitive has Tim Tebow been with you since he's been here? Has he been trying to pick your brain just to get the basics down?

TB: Yeah, there's definitely been communication and there's been that with Tim [Tebow] and with Ryan [Mallett]. We constantly talk. I've been lucky to play with so many good quarterbacks over the course of my career and I've learned from every one of them, starting with Drew [Bledose] and Damon Huard and John Friesez and Michael Bishop and Jim Miller and Vinny [Testaverde] and [Doug] Flutie and [Matt] Cassel and [Brian] Hoyer, it's really been... We've always have a really strong group and a very close group. I'm excited to have Tim.

Q: Ed Reed said he thought his hip injury was caused by the kick slide you did in the AFC Championship Game. Do you have any reaction to that?

TB: No.

Q: He said you apologized right after, is that true?

TB: Yeah, there was nothing intentional about it. It was unfortunate that it happened.

Q: How do you feel physically?

TB: I feel great, I feel better than ever. I've had a great offseason to this point; it needs to continue. At this point, I have a pretty good understanding of how I need to prepare myself and I spend a lot of time, every decision in my life is based around how to be a better football player. I think I have a decent idea how to do that and we'll ultimately see how it pays off this year. It's been fun to be out there every day at practice and that's how you improve, is to be out on the practice field, especially with a bunch of new players. We'll see how it turns out when we put the pads on.

Q: Do you have to change or alter anything as you get older?

TB: You try to be a little more efficient with your time and things that you probably have tried in the past, you don't do much anymore. You try to do the things that you feel work and the things that help you improve. I feel like I've thought a lot of things about this past season and things that I can do better and things that I can do better as a teammate and as a leader and certainly things that I can do better on the field, my physical preparation. I think I've been successful to this point but ultimately you get paid to go out and play on Sunday and hopefully it pays off when it counts the most.

Q: How would you react to having to come off the field?

TB: I have no idea.

Q: You'd be OK with it?

TB: That's a very hypothetical question. Maybe we'll deal with it if it happens.

The Media Guy Grabs His Sack

The Media Guy grabs his sack of mail...Well, I resisted and resisted; but no longer. The mailbox is full and alas, people need answers. So, without fanfare, here are genuine emails from my irreverent readers.

Q: My wife and I spent the last three weeks trying to figure out which airline you flew that would only have one passenger in business class and not upgrade the rest of economy so the meals wouldn’t go to waste. I observed that Daniella, dressed in that green scarf, looked like a career runway model that could still bring the heat. After much discussion, we created a game: Most Probable Professions for Flight Girl Daniella if She Hadn't Become a Flight Attendant. After discussing some possibilities (most likely: Heather Locklear’s advertising executive nemesis in the third reboot of Melrose Place), we decided on "First Grade Teacher." Our minds went wild at the thought of FG Daniella bitching and moaning about not getting paid for parent conferences before 8:00 A.M. because she doesn’t get paid before the first bell and her classroom doors are still open, then berating the class about the time it takes her to pour milk at snack time. But dear God, FG Daniella gets the ultimate pass because as my wife, the librarian, said “I bet she’s up for kissing me.”

—Jay M., Las Vegas, NV

Adam Ant's Librarian

MG: Do you have any idea how many sleepless nights that Jay M. from Sin City caused me? Too many, that’s how many. Why? Because I just spent the last three days imagining the Adam Ant librarian aka Jay’s wife and Daniella locking lips in business class. Then, I imagined her and Heather Locklear in a typical Melrose catfight. However you slice it, I’m bringing this to my agent next week for script development.

Q: I really can’t explain why J.C. Penney decided to go with Ron Johnson as their CEO, robbing America of the almighty orgasmic pleasures of the Super Sunday Sales. It’s almost as if he were a plant from Penney’s competitors designed to bring down the retail giant. Half the fun of shopping there was rolling out with 22 coupons and mixing and matching them just to “save” $31 dollars. How did he go this long without being on Retail Magazine’s most hated list? They need to bring back the coupons and the sales. This must be on your to-do list in your first month as the Ambassador of Sanity for J.C. Penney’s corporate headquarters.

—Salma Q., Torrance, CA

MG: Although Penney’s hasn't bothered to pick up the phone yet, I think you hit on something because Corporate Ambassador of Sanity sounds like a fantastic consulting road show. I could cruise from city to city, company to company listening to their brilliant marketing and media ideas for 2013 and 2014. Have you seen some of the bright ideas that flew past us during the last twelve months? The London Olympic Games logo? Quiznos’ disfigured, singing rodents campaign? Sony's synergy campaign? Sprint featuring CEO Dan Hesse in their TV ads? All of these companies need an Ambassador of Sanity. Yeah, I’m getting excited already.

Q: I’m wondering how Chris Brown keeps getting chance after chance with a suddenly forgiving media who is dying to give him a pass for beating on Rihanna and women in general with his insane actions. Is it because she’s a party animal that can’t seem to get out of her own way socially or is there really something redeeming?

—Samantha J., Kansas City, MO

MG: First and foremost, everyone simply loves a train wreck. Chris Brown certainly qualifies for that. He also certainly meets rule #2 in the Media Guy Mandates for a Great Story: HARM. Harm includes violence, damage, dying, scandals and blood/guts. Perhaps the real reason rests in the Fear Factor rule whereby the media is afraid a Chris-Brown-type will show up at their front door to pick up one of their daughters for a nice evening on the town. This is where you already want to know what a maniac-in-sheep’s-clothing looks like while he’s promising to get her home well before curfew. Experience means everything!

Q: There's no more underestimated story line in 2013 than hypersensitivity. Coca-Cola is racist. Ikea is has (trans)gender issues. Just a little while back we were patting ourselves on the back about racial and gender equality and everyone getting along. Everyone thought political incorrectness was washed up, but all of the sudden it made a comeback and the media has been all over it. Are we desperate for stories or should we be worried?

—Jordan Smith, Kansas City

MG: Holy mackerel, I didn’t realize how many groups were in an uproar about the media game already in 2013. The IKEA ad features a Thai man and his girlfriend shopping. But when she sees pillows sale and get excited, her decidedly female voice goes soprano on us sending her shocked boyfriend off running. The ad has riled a Thai transgender group, who calls the ad "negative and stereotypical" and sprinkled in "a gross violation of human rights" for good measure. A Thai transgender group seems pretty niche in the grand scheme of things but then again, I missed sensitivity training for this particular segment of the population which mosts likely totals 0.0000001% of the world’s population.

The new Coca-Cola Super Bowl ad has angered Arab-Americans because it features an Arab leading a camel caravan through the desert.

Warren David, president of the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee, says "Why is it that Arabs are always shown as either oil-rich sheiks, terrorists or belly dancers?" Coke says the ad characters are a "nod to movies of the past." 

My take? 

I’ve worked with David in the past and he is right, because the shepherds leading the caravans look something like this:

True story: I took these pictures in Oman a few years back. The shepherd in the truck was angrier than those lecturing Coca-Cola about their perceived racism. Why? Because I drove in between his line of camels and messed up their forward progression. Later, we burned some Frankincense at the Salalah Hilton and all was better. Perhaps Coke should call me to be the shepherd actor next time.

So what’s the lesson to be learned? Better focus test your commercial to the groups you are showcasing in your ads because you want their stamp of approval before the fit hits the shan. Then again, perhaps all of the extra publicity Coke and IKEA are getting from these spots is worth the hassle to offend underserved ethnic and gender groups. All I know if that this meets rule #3 in the Media Guy Mandates for a Great Story: CONTROVERSY. Where there’s controversy, there’s a reporter looking to file a last minute news story. When you can dream up a controversy, you can virtually guarantee some juicy buzz in the media.

Twinkies: Yippie-keye-ay!

Q: Not since Reginald VelJohnson rattled off Twinkies’ to John McClane in Die Hard [sugar-enriched flour, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil...polysorbate 60... and yellow dye number five] have I longed for a late night tastes of the golden crème-filled cakes. Will they ever grace the shelves at Winn-Dixie again?

—Emily-Mae L., Auburn, AL

Q:  Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat with Ghostbusters’ Dr. Egon Spengler  explaining the enormity of the threat facing New York: "Let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psycho-kinetic energy in the New York area; according to this morning's sample, it would be a Twinkie 35 feet long weighing approximately 600 pounds"… What would this analogy be without the mighty Twinkie? Sign my petition to bring them back.

—Robert H., Anaheim, CA

How about that 600 pounder?

Q: I feel like Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, searching for the last Twinkie on Earth. I guess they did have an expiration date. Help!

—Brenda J., Istanbul, Turkey

MG: Never fear, Hostess has let the robber barons into their bakery nest. Hostess has picked a joint offer from two investment firms — Metropoulos & Co. and Apollo Global Management LLC — as the lead bid to bring back the Twinkies and its other snack cakes in a $410 million bid. According to MSN Money, Twinkies pulled in about $76.2 million, Hostess Donuts brought in $384.6 million and CupCakes brought in $138.1 million during Hostess’s final year. That’s a lot of calories. Speaking of which…

Q: Nice feature on Ray Lewis right before my Ravens made Tom Brady look like a deer in the headlights a couple of Sundays ago. Are you taking the Ravens in the Super Bowl?

—Joe J., Las Vegas

Q: I suppose you’ll be in Florida this Sunday covering the Super Bowl, right braggard?

—Phillip O., Cleveland, OH

Q: No blogs on the 2013 Oscars, eh? Did they ban you for your debauchery at the after parties?

—Sandra, K.., Toronto

MG: I am betting on Ray, but not the Ravens on Sunday. There’s a Las Vegas proposition bet where you pick who has more: Ray Lewis tackles or Kobe Bryant assists on Super Bowl Sunday. I’m going with Lewis tackles, but the 49ers prevailing 34-19. As far as going to the Super Bowl, I am a no show. I didn’t even apply for credentials. I’ll be at home analyzing the new ads. I am unsure whether to tweet about them (Media Guy Twitter handle = @marketingvip) in real time though. One thing I hope to never miss is the Oscars. I’ll be there on the red carpet for the second year in a row and blog about it then. Hopefully, I’ll be stealth enough to bypass security and have a talk with Angelina Jolie about this screenplay I wrote that is perfect for her (hint, hint Ms. Jolie).

Q: I read somewhere that sex lasts only about five minutes on average and burns only 20 calories. Why doesn’t that get more press?

—Dianne R., Toluca Lake, CA

MG: Reminds me of being seventeen all over again. Did your survey mention the age parameters? The regions of the country or world the data was pulled from? Male vs. Females? These are important factors in the potential decline of sexuality in the States. I did find a reference to a 1984 survey with similar stats. I’m hoping things have improved for the women of the world. Which reminds me that we don’t cover sex enough in The Media Guy Struggles. Why? I’m not sure since SEX meets rule #6 in the Media Guy Mandates for a Great Story. Note to self: more sex. (And who can argue with that?)

Q: Did the CEO of Taco Bell call you yet? Is that why their strategy is giving free churros? Maybe you should call him.

—Nala Z., Ft. Myers, FL

MG: Who can argue with the new spots? The ad made its debut on YouTube a few days ago and has over 200,000 views with the January 18^th teaser being watched 500,000 plus times. CEO Greg Creed seemed to be riding high with Cantina Bell, the new Taco Bell “Live Mas” tagline and the Spanish version of “We Are Young”. That being said, I still think Mr. Creed should ring my phone.

Q: Beyoncé lip synced? Good or bad for the brand?

—Simon S., Winston-Salem, NC

MG: Nothing can derail the Mrs. Jay-Z train. She’s unstoppable and there is no reason this should have been a continuing story because besides having the kind of generational beauty that most of us can only wish for, there is one thing she can do without question and that’s sing circles around anyone. Whitney lip synced at the Super Bowl and her rendition hit #1 on the charts soon thereafter. Beyoncé is much bigger that Whitney ever was.

Q: What are you going to do with “The Voice” now that Christina Aguilera has been replaced with Shakira?

—Jon M., Oklahoma City, OK

MG: I deleted my Season Pass on The Dish.

Q: Do you think Christina Aguilera caused Hillary Clinton to pass out?

—Josephine P., Kuala Lampur

MG: Very much a possibility.

Q: Any truth that our favorite diva Miss Aguilera stepped aside to spend time with the Media Guy?

—Stephanie C., Manchester, England

MG: Uh, no comment.

Q: There were two typos when you initially posted your last column. Who’s proofing your columns.

—Nadia W., Tucson, AZ

MG: Sorry, Monica is on vacation.

Q: You nailed it in your Valentine’s Day column, it’s ruining the office. Any more tips to help out here?

—Marc W., Wichita, KS

MG: I reached back to Ernest Quansah who told me that the brain’s feel-good “love” chemical – oxytocine – usually increases when women are presented with novel activities, beyond those established and preferred routines. He says to abandon old traditions and do something to sweep her off her feet with these five steps:

1. Before the big day, drive her wild with anticipation by telling her that you have the most amazing surprise for her. This promise will keep her guessing and make her think about your evening.
2. Know her favorite flowers. If you don’t, don’t panic. You can find out by making a comment, like “I’ve noticed plants blooming early this year …” and steer the conversation from there. In a beautiful vase, arrange an exotic bouquet and hide it somewhere in your home on the special day. She’ll like that you created the presentation.
3. Go to your local chocolate shop and select her favorite kinds of chocolate. Have it boxed and nicely wrapped to prevent her from knowing what it is when you present the chocolates to her.
4. Create a dish and name it after her. For example, if her name is Anne, you might call the dish “Tournedos Princess Anne.” This step is the most important. I can assure you that after having spent time in some top-notch restaurants, food that is named after a person is a special honor. We all know how women love it when their men do the cooking. What I do is cut and precook the vegetables, and I even make the sauce beforehand to make sure I get it as perfect as I can. Leave everything in the fridge. Then, on Valentine’s Day, I set the table before I start the cooking part. On both plates, place a fresh RED ROSE. The single rose is just part of making her think that that is all the flowers she will be getting (but we know differently). When she gets home, make sure to get her to promise you that she’ll stay out of the kitchen. Tell her not to spoil the surprise!
5. When everything is ready, plate the food, cover it and take it to the dining table, and then ask her to come and sit. Before you uncover the lid, have her close her eyes. Retrieve the hidden bouquet, place the flowers on the table, and ask her to open her eyes. Pay attention to how she responds. Tell her what you’ve named the dish. But that’s not all – after the meal, take her by the hand, walk her to the living room and sit her down. Bring out the boxed chocolate, go on one knee and tell her, “This is for you,” or, “You make me feel whole,” or, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world and I love you.”

Remember, you don’t have to know why this works...only that it does work.

Q: The Bachelor – how do you see Sean navigating the insane women he has on his hands?

—Kimberly G., Dallas

MG: There are some crazies this season. Poor Sean. I promise a separate column next week with a recap and my vision to how it all plays out.

Q: I think we all know your love of Angelina Jolie – of course in a non-stalker, yet borderline stalkerish way – but seriously, do you need help distracting Brad Pitt while you try to talk her up at the Oscars? My bestie is a dead ringer for Jennifer Aniston and has a similar crush on Mr. Moneyball. Any affinity to forming a partnership to get what you both want? You can email me at any time.

—Brooke Y., West Hollywood, CA

MG: Yes Virginia…these are the reader friends of the Media Guy Struggles.