Before Coffee Your Brain Doesn't Work So Well

I love this little lady...

Okay, so where am I?

On the heels of the Clio win, I’m in front of my television after having watched a hockey game for the third time gleaning inspiration for a “homework assignment” I am working on as a tryout to contribute to a popular website. Who knows where it will lead? Who cares though? It’s great as an old dog to try new tricks.

All of this triggered my anxieties from my old days as a copywriter. Those endless nights in front of Selectric Typewriters with the hum urging my fingers into action, and, later, word processors with their fancy white cursors doing the same on the green background.

Being a copywriter is an amazing, yet disturbing occupation. I mean, you get paid to put words to paper. It’s one part brilliance and one part perseverance. It’s the art of sculpting fog as I’ve covered before.

The brilliance is that a copywriter has the ability to generate sales and positive branding for your clients while the perseverance comes from grinding through the feedback that rocks you to your core. The wrong set of “constructive criticism can trigger a full-scale identity crisis and make you wonder if you’re in the wrong profession.

The biggest influence I ever had in the copywriter world (and the Ad Man/Media Guy world) is that I never want the emotional wave that swallows you whole when you think you’re a fraud or incompetent. Yes kids, this how you feel when your client asks, “ Who the hell wrote this copy?” Every day, I think back to those instances and it energizes me to not only knock out my daily tasks, but think of those big ideas as well.

For me being a copywriter spurred an entire career. For me, that’s 32 years and counting. If this is the trade you desire, I celebrate your courage, innovation, and idiocy. Each day is a fresh scuffle against stalling, that blinking cursor, and those voices in your mind that scream you don’t really know what you’re doing. Best career ever.

So without further procrastination, here’s a quick tick list of the things you need to do in order be a successful ad agency copywriter.

Consume caffeine.

Not a coffee person? I wasn’t either. But, hey, this is what we do. Before you lift open your Mac Book, head to the coffeemaker and brew yourself a K-cup. If you want people to think you’re cool, drink it black—like your heart. If you want to truly appreciate the taste, splash some cream in it. It’s the perfect remedy for a late night or the more than occasional doldrums that plague the work day.

Keep a daily to do list.

Talk to your boss. Make a list. Shape your day. If you do, you’ll be put on projects and business you crave and desire.

Battle writer’s block.

Blink….blink…blink…

There she is again: that blinking cursor. You swear up and down you killed it yesterday, but she’s back, like that cat from Pet Sematary. Don’t be scared. Kill the bear, or rather, the blank doc. Down that morning coffee and bring your special set of skills and wage battle. The blinking cursor is going down once again.

Base camps.

No one every climbed Everest in a day and you can’t do it with your mountain of work. Build some momentum If I have an email that just needs a subject line, I’m moving that bad boy to the top of my list.

Be a firefighter.

Quench all fires as soon as possible. The urgent projects and needy clients you’re your attention first. Keep them happy and you will have the mental real estate to be as creative you want later in the day.

Inspirational views for a potential third Clio.

Focus on billable work.

Don’t daydream all day and try to knock out work in a tiny window leaving only a handful of billable hours for your agency to bill. For you newbies, billable work is merely the labor your clients authorize payments for. More work means more revenue for the agency. Fill up that time sheet and you will mostly likely see your own paycheck rise at annual review time.

Take your constitutionals.

I’ve spent my days chained to my desk throughout my agency days. Don’t do that yourself. Take a break—not a long one, but enough of one to stretch your legs. Go for a quick walk and grab a Starbuck. You’ll get back to your desk revitalized and prepared for the blinking cursor.

Know when to call it a day.

If you say to yourself, “nobody told me there would be days like this…” remember that I just did! Some days are tougher than others. They won’t all be like this. Some days you won’t have it.

Go home, find your happy spot. For goodness sakes, get some good sleep in. The blinking cursor will be ready for you tomorrow morning.

--

So there you have it…now it’s time to channel my inner wordsmith and deliver a winner on this old dog, new trick homework assignment.

Click to enlarge.

Eavesdropping at the 2017 Golden Globes

Okay, so where am I?

Before I get to that, allow me to go back to my Café Squatters story for just a minute and talk about
this woman on the left. The New York style work area table at Starbucks meant to house 8-10 people was relatively full as I try feverishly to finish this column after retouching hundreds of photos for my Golden Globes assignment. There was an empty spot, so I asked her if that seat was taken. Her reply was that she was using the seat and spot...for a foot rest. It takes all kinds these days.

So know you know that I am (or was) at the Beverly Hilton on the red carpet basking in the wacky opulence known as the Golden Globes. Most of you already know that La La Land won Best Motion Picture and Brad Pitt made a surprise n stage appearance on stage to the delight of the crowd. But, as you know, all of the real fun happens off camera, including Justin Timberlake making sure the drinks were flowing and Kurt Russell and Jeff Bridges exchanging phone numbers.

On the carpet, Justin Timberlake holds wife Jessica Biel’s hand while she chats with with Amy Adams’ husband, Darren Le Gallo. Designer Tom Ford hugs Timberlake who tells him: "The only reason I ever look nice is I learned to dress from you." Meanwhile Timberland tries to make an exit inside. "Find us!" Biel tells Le Gallo as they depart

The Golden Ticket.

Laurence Fishburne tries to get past security and then notices he doesn’t have his ticket. He calls someone on his phone, in a mock (?) panic "I have no idea where my ticket is or is supposed to be."

Kerry Washington introduces her husband, Nnamdi Asomugha, to Stranger Things' Millie Bobby Brown. "I told you about him at the party," Washington tells Brown. "He's such a big fan of yours!"

One half of Hollywood's most beautiful couple, Blake Lively, cheers for the other half, Ryan Reynolds as he stands from the table to present the night's first award. He accidentally knocks into her updo, but it doesn't moved. She's a goddess, that's why.

Justin Timberlake pours a glass of vino for everyone at his table then offers the bottle to Felicity Jones. Meanwhile, as his wife and best actress nominee Annette Bening stands from the table, Warren Beatty kisses her cheek and says, “You look beautiful!” Seeing Denzel Washington’s wife and her pal, Pauletta, Bening goes over and gives her a hug and kiss.

Kerry Washington with a young fan.

In the press room, Billy Bob Thornton gestures toward the microphone manager and quips, "That's quite a pole you got there!" That's something coming from the polemaster. Thornton is super humble, looking cool and mellow wearing his shades inside. After taking home one of the fist-sized trophies, he thanked the Hollywood Foreign Press for choosing him over Better Call Saul's Bob Odenkirk.

The feeling never gets old! After nabbing the award for her role in The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story, Sarah Paulson steps off stage and admits, “I’m shaking!” She takes a photo but is distracted when she hears more cheering. “Did the show just win?” she asks. Indeed, the hit earns a Best Limited Series and Paulson heads right back on stage.

Yours truly.

Oooooops? While posing for a picture off stage with Amy Schumer and Ryan Gosling, Goldie Hawn jokingly falls onto the hunky La La Land actor, "She fell into his nook and giggled!"

Back in the press room, Viola Davis says the night will wrap too late for her to squeeze in jacuzzi time. She report that she'll celebrate her Fences best supporting actress win with hubby and a glass of Prosecco at home.

In the press room, Nocturnal Animals best supporting actor winner Aaron Taylor-Johnson is cut off as the audio feed switches over to Ryan Gosling’s acceptance speech. Taylor-Johnson stood there awkwardly holding his award then left, but no hard feelings: "Gosling amazing!” he says.

Someone accidentally steps on Anna Kendrick’s Vionnet dress, which prompts the actress to question her decision: “Why do I wear a dress with a train? Every year I ask myself this.” After she loses, Rachel Wood heads straight for the bar outside the ballroom. Bottoms up!

HBO Invite :)

There were some good zingers last night. Here's some of the highlights:

"The film Florence Foster Jenkins is nominated. The character has been dubbed the world’s worst opera singer and even she turned down performing at Donald Trump’s inauguration."
-Jimmy Fallon in his opening monologue

"Thank you, first of all, to the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for this amazing honour. I suppose it’s made more amazing by the fact that I’ll be able to say that I won this at the last ever Golden Globes. I don’t mean to be gloomy. It’s just that it has the words ‘Hollywood,’ ‘foreign,’ and ‘press’ in the title."
-Hugh Laurie wins best supporting actor in a TV drama

"You make me proud to be an artist. You make me feel that what I have in me – my body, my face, my age – is enough."
Viola Davis introduces Meryl Streep

"Hollywood is crawling with outsiders and foreigners, and if you kick us all out, you’ll have nothing to watch except for football and mixed martial arts, which are not arts."
-Meryl Streep picks up the Cecil B DeMille lifetime achievement award

"This is for all the women, women of color, and colorful people, whose stories, ideas and thoughts are not always considered worthy and valid and important. But I want you to know that I see you. We see you."
-Tracee Ellis Ross wins best comedy actress

"It’s not a problem. A dead bird never leaves its nest."
-John Lithgow channels Winston Churchill when he realizes his zipper is undone

"While I was singing and dancing and playing piano and having one of the best experiences I ever had on a film, my lady was raising our daughter, pregnant with our second, and trying to help her brother fight his battle with cancer. If she hadn’t taken all that on so that I could have this experience, there would surely be someone else up here other than me today. So sweetheart, thank you."
-Ryan Gosling thanks Eva Mendes in his best actor speech

"Take your broken heart, make it into art."
-Meryl Streep quotes late friend Carrie Fisher

"I’ve been to the Globes six times, and I’ve worn a dress every time. And I love dresses. I’m not trying to protest dresses. But I wanted to make sure that young girls and women know that they aren’t a requirement. And you don’t have to wear one if you don’t want to. And to just be yourself because your worth is more than that. So, I said, this year I’m going homage to Marlene Dietrich and Victor/Victoria and David Bowie, because it’s his birthday."
-Evan Rachel Wood on the red carpet.

The Red Carpet Gallery

Justin Timberland and Jessica Biel - the drinking couple.

Radiant in yellow: Emily Ratajkowski

Gosling: A good year to be a Ryan in Hollywood.

Ryan (Reynolds) and Blake Lively: The most beautiful couple in Hollywood.

She's a goddess.

There was a lot of free Fiji water. Kristen Bell is no dummy.

Monica Bellucci is 52 which makes me look 70!

Sofia Vergara - always the best part of the red carpet.

Mel Gibson hits the red carpet with pregnant girlfriend Rosalind Ross.

Lovely Drew Barrymore

Why oh why do you wear the dress train every year, Anna?

Who doesn't have a crush on Amy Adams?

Adams with Arrival co-star Jeremy Renner.

Benning and Beatty - still looking good.

Only they could make us roots for the Russians (serious watch the Amerikans!).

Jonah Hill lives THE LIFE! Hanging with Ryan G. and nominated for Oscars. #Dreams

Sansa is all grown up now! 

Travolta and Paulsen: It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

Priyanka Chopra and Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Dirty Jokes Backstage.

Viola Davis: No time for wine...

Ordering Espresso in Madrid

Okay, so where am I?

Madrid called me around the holidays (actually Spanish Television called to do a table read in the never-ending journal to get the Media Guy Struggles pilot made into something real - in any language) and I was all in.

As is the case back home near Hollywood, I didn't sleep much. Because of that I got up close and personal with Spanish coffees looking to keep that edge and get my show made.

If I had to guess I would say that America became obsessed with Starbucks (west coast) Dunkin' Donuts (east coast) coffee not for the taste, but for the simplicity - it was much easier to simply order "a cup of coffee." Not to mention the to-go factor. As a culture, we've developed a global stereotype (particularly acknowledged by Europeans and Middle Easterners) that our coffee is watered down, dull and hardly enjoyed, sipped or swigged in huge cups at the speed of a 7-Eleven Big Gulp®. It wasn't until the introduction of Starbucks that we thought we got a little more class, that our coffee consumption skyrocketed to include fancy-pants sizes and milk variations with shiny flamboyant Italian nicknames.

Then around 2005 something called the Gibraltar happened in San Francisco to a once-little company named Blue Bottle Coffee - which if you know anything about being hip has helped spawn a catalyst within the Northern California coffee movement, as well as along the West Coast, over to New York and popping up in London (although they have a lot of influence from the Aussies, whom also make excellent coffee). But did that really happen? Was that really an invention? Or a renaming of the existing Spanish cortado? All finger pointing aside, coffee and espresso drinks are some of the most widely consumed beverages in the world, and the manner in which they are ordered and prepared differs according to countries, backgrounds or the baristas' habits.

The Spanish people have developed quite a taste, or perhaps dependency on coffee since its arrival from Turkish immigrants in the 17th century. The general consensus is that the coffee here is good, although it may be argued that the coffee tastes better in Italy and Portugal, and certainly worse in France.

What do you need to know to order an espresso drink or coffee in Spain?

Spaniards aren't known to eat a hefty breakfast, in fact for a true experience during your stay in the country, steer clear of restaurants or cafes offering an American or British breakfast. On a given day, the local eateries will be filled with common citizens, or even hotshot politicians (if they dare show their faces), munching a pastry, or toasts with tomato pulp with their café con leche, 1:1 ration of strong coffee or espresso with steamed milk, or what we might register as a caffé latte.

That said, coffee in Spain is consumed at all hours of the day, particular after larger meals or in the late afternoon at the merienda hour (5-7p roughly) served alongside a slice of olive oil or egg yolk cakes. Besides this fact -- you'll soon see for yourself during your time in Spain a culture of tomando un café (or tomar un café -- to have a coffee) via patios, terraces, cafes, bars, gas stations, and restaurants offering all sorts of food stuff but also always coffee, and this practice is not only a time for caffeine, but an opportunity to catch up and meet with friends, family, colleagues, or intercambios (language exchanges).

Café Solo - a very strong and small serving of coffee; generally a single shot of espresso. I have no statistics to prove this theory, but I most commonly witness people ordering this version after lunch for a quick pick-me-up, therefore reducing the likelihood of falling into a food coma, or after dinner for the sobremesa chats and table lingering.

Café Solo Doble* - same as above but with a double shot of espresso and maybe a larger vessel (pending the bar/cafe)

(Café) Cortado - an espresso cut with steamed milk (from Spanish verb cortar), typically 1:1 - 2:1 espresso to milk ration, and served in a short and stout glass. It's similar to the piccolo in Australia, the Gibraltar in US and to the Italian version of a caffé macchiato. Popularly ordered around the merienda hours to give a little jolt as well as the illusion of eating something sweet between meals (with the addition of sugar packets most likely).

Café con Leche - to reiterate from above, this is one of Spain's most popular drinks, and often the favorite for its balanced flavors and comforting sensations, equal parts milk and coffee. Breakfast is a common timeframe for this size, as is the merienda a 5pm snack hour, but it's really as classic as El Clasico (a futbol / soccer match). Sometimes this drink will be served table-side, with the waiters pouring the (very) hot milk into a short & skinny glass, or wide brimmed demitasse cup.

(Café) Americano - an espresso shot served in a larger glass and watered down. Usually ordered by out-of-towners looking to replace their usual coffee routine since you won't find filtered coffee in many places in Spain; espresso machines are the norm, or instant coffee.

Café Manchado - a less common order, but a popular choice nonetheless for those that like their caffeinated beverages just "stained," the literal term for staining a short (café con leche) glass of milk with a small amount of espresso. May also be referred to on some menus as a lágrima - from other Spanish speaking countries like Argentina.

Café con Hielo - during the hot summer months the Spaniards cool down with this espresso and ice cubes, served in a whiskey glass.

Café Suizo - a shot of espresso served with a dollop of whipped cream; identical to the Italian 'espresso con panna' although not very common on Spanish menus.  (I like La Granja Viader in Barcelona for this drink because of their homemade cream).

Café Bombon - a café solo (espresso) served with a hefty spoonful of condensed milk, thought to have originated in Valencia, Spain.

Carajillo - a café solo served with a touch of brandy, although whiskey or rum can be substituted.

Trifásico - a less common and often regionally ordered drink along the Costa Brava and Costa Blanca, the trifásico includes three ingredients: coffee, milk/cream/or condensed milk and a liquor (usually anything from whiskey, brandy to Baileys).

Know your caffeine preference upfront, otherwise they will assume you want regular or strong espressos and coffee. Typically decaffeinated, descafeinado, comes from an instant coffee packet,  so if you want decaffeinated and from the espresso machine you must request for example, café _________ + descafeinado de maquina.

AND if you didn't have enough already: You also have the option to speak up about your exact coffee preferences; so with the cortado or the café con leche you could order 'corto de café' (literally short on coffee) or 'largo de café' (long on coffee).

*Double shots - If you're looking for more caffeine that resembles a ristretto then you'll need to request that your drink be made as a double shot; the standard is one. To do this, use the above terminology but add doble to the end, e.g. Café con leche doble, cortado doble, manchado doble.
**Also note in Spain, unlike in Italy (or other countries that I haven't visited yet), if you would like a glass of water to go with your coffee, you must ask your server for it - un vaso de agua por favor.

Sugars / Sweeteners
Spaniards are quite generous with their sugar packets, the processed white variety, or common table sugar. Bars and cafés often put of a lot of effort into insuring that theirs are printed with their business name and address (reminds me of the omnipresent matches in the US during the 90s). Should you need more however, simply ask "me traes /or me das un poco de azúcar por favor?" (will you bring / give me sugar please?). If you're a fiend for raw sugar, azúcar de caña,  is the courser, less processed version (sometimes) available.

Honey is very rare to accompany coffee in Spain, but still worth a shot if this is your preference, and you ask nicely. The word for honey is (la) miel.

Now the above mentioned list should allow you to order a coffee or espresso throughout any part of Spain with no problems. Be sure to visit my favorite neighborhood vendors and recommended coffee shops; Toma Café in Madrid, La Bicicleta, and Satan's Coffee Corner in Barcelona (more Spanish coffee shop recommendations at bottom of page).

However, if you plan to "monkey see monkey do" and order a coffee like a local when in Málaga, then pay attention to the following:

Café Central tucked along a narrow side street in the old city of Málaga has claimed the invention of the following coffee ordering standard, a brain scramble, un cacao mental, for outsiders but none the less a fascinating Andalusian idiosyncrasy. The story goes that the camarero, D. José Prado Crespo, or Pepe for short, was fed up of dealing with crazy customers requests, "Pepe ponme un poquito más" "a little more coffee/milk" or "¡ya está! suficiente leche ya" "OK, that's enough milk." He developed a ten level café system to simplify his work life as well as the lives of his coworkers.

Ordering a coffee in Málaga, Spain requires a bit of practice. Or point and smile : )

Since its conception, the system has been adopted by the majority of the baristas and servers around Málaga. It goes like this: nube, sombra, corto, entrecorto, mitad, solo corto, semi-largo, largo, and the solo. The nube, or cloud, contains a splash of coffee, the mitad is equal parts 1:1 coffee and milk, and the solo is the same as in the rest of Spain, all black. However nowadays we give the servers even more work, non-fat milk, soy requests, or even the size of the glass is ultimately "your wish is my command."

If the above is altogether too complicated, ordering "un cappuccino, por favor," will be internationally understood. Just keep your standards in check, this won't be Italy -- which according to the INEI consists of: "traditional cappuccinos are made up of 25ml of espresso and 125ml of steam-whipped milk, starting with cold milk (3-5°C) and brought to a temperature of about 55°C and then poured over Italian certified espresso in a cup the size of 150-160ml. The milk must be fresh bovine with a minimum of 3.2% proteins and 3.5% fat, and steam-whipped in a specific way." Precise isn't it?

Maybe a café con leche in Spain is the way to go after all!

Café Squatters

Café Squatters.
Coffee Shop Campers.

Laptop Hobos. 

The Office Nomad.

Have you noticed them?

Before I get into my rant and need to meet with a random Japanese TV exec or South Korean producer at a local eatery without finding a seat amongst those stealing free WiFi that's included with your $2.65 Venti, let me say first that I have written a screenplay or two at my local Starbucks. 

Guilty as charged.

But today...

Well, today I went into my local Corner Bakery for a quick lunch -- or should I say attempted lunch? -- and wound up wandering around looking for a table. 

None were available.

Wah-wah-waaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Why?

Because half of the tables have been annexed by local suburban squatters who decided that any place with free WiFi is the perfect spot for an ad hoc Regus office. These "patrons" were done eating...if they ever ate at all. They're simply sitting there rat-a-tat-tatting on their laptops and electronic notepads turning our shared public space into their personal office, oblivious and uncaring that their misplaced multi-tasking has become a public nuisance. 

Ever tried to sit down at a Starbucks these days to enjoy a smooth Christmas Blend and read your New York Times (yes, they still sell newspapers there!)?  You can't find a seat. Why? All of the tables have been claimed in the epidemic known as the Invasion of the Laptops. 

There are two places you should be using your laptop for business or pleasure: work or home. Period. 

Before our mobile society took over, you never saw anyone lugging a manual typewriter into McDonald's or the little café adjacent to your office. No one sat in the booth in the back tapping out letters, homework or their next big idea. So why now? Why are we doing it with a WiFi version of a typewriter?

Some people don't even rent office space anymore. Why bother? Check out the business card from the next consultant you meet for convenience at Coffee Bean. Could it be their address is actually there? 

They made it cool to hang out at the coffee shop all day...sigh.

A majority of the people who squat aren't even working on anything important. They have grown up believing that being seen in public or a laptop conveys intelligence. They want you to believe they are doing some kind of think tank analysis when instead they are watching rejected cat memes on the America's Funniest Home Video youtube channel.  You see these same people constant on their smartphones as well, showcasing they are always in demand.  

We need to strike a deal here. 

No one is saying that you can’t drink your custom crafted espresso delight and mix in a spinach feta wrap, and soak up the bandwidth. You should. I have. however, if you know you’re no longer consuming, you’re essentially using the space as a library. You know what you should do? You should pick up your stuff and relocate to an actual library. The Gods will not somehow forsake your creative juices if you're working on being the next Woody Allen while crafting your screenplay. 

And no, by relocating to a public space that actually has their arms outstretched waiting for you, you’re not sacrificing meeting the love of your life by serendipity on the way to the restroom. Look for your soulmate on your own time. As Jeff Spicoli says, this is "our time."  

So, hit the bricks.

Movies Have Lost That Loving Feeling

Okay, so where am I?

I can tell you that I'm not in federal court with one of those cantankerous Californians filing lawsuits against Starbucks, hell-bent on taking down the the java king over underfilling their lattes. I mean, geez, cozy up to the barista and get a little more milk poured in. Last time I complained, I got a free drink and a new coffee. What a deal!

There may be some truth that I am at the movies taking in Central Intelligence, starring Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart. I'm not used to standing on line for a movie, but I definitely wanted to smell what The Rock was cooking and I had a fresh, fully-filled Venti drip from the aforementioned Starbucks, so life was good. The movie didn't disappoint, but honestly, the movie industry itself is starting to disappoint.

They seem to be in panic mode because of Netflix, spiraling costs and the rude, loud unwelcoming nature of the movie theatre experience itself. But as I sat through nine movie trailers (yes! nine! -- shame on you Cinemark) totaling twenty-four minutes I realized something else: there's no mysteries or surprise anymore.

Now there is so much information, so far in advance before a movie comes out that it's anti-climatic. Everything about it is known. You feel like you've already seen it. What was intended to promote a film, now serves as buzzkill instead.

I loved the movies once. Still do. I went with my mom to see a movie almost every Tuesday when I was a kid. Top Gun was in theaters so long that I was able to take three different dates hoping to find that lost, loving feeling. (The same crash and burn scenario occurred all three times, yikes!) Now my son and I count the days down to the next Star Wars installment a year in advance.

My first theater experience I can remember was seeing the blockbuster Earthquake in 1974 when disaster movies were all the rage. I remember looking up in awe at the big screen and waiting for the Sensurround to kick in.

What's Sensurround you ask? Only the greatest thing ever in 1974! Here's the theater notice that appeared in newspapers all over the country:

"ATTENTION! This motion picture will be shown in the startling new multi-dimension of Sensurround. Please be aware that you will feel as well as see and hear realistic effects such as might be experienced in an actual earthquake. The management assumes no responsibility for the physical or emotional reactions of the individual viewer."

Who wouldn't want that?! Yet, I digress...

Anyway, as the opening credits rolled all I knew was this was an epic disaster movie set in my hometown of Los Angeles and you knew it starred Charlton Heston, Ava Gardner, Lorne Greene, and George Kennedy. Beyond that? Everything was onscreen, unfolding right before my wide eyes. Today? You would have seen a sneak peak trailer sponsored by Pepsi a year ago. You would have read reviews, seen a bunch of Internet bloggers dissecting it, along with IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes, reviewed that would have added to you skepticism to see the movie in the first place.

If Earthquake comes out today, I am already sick of it before I click on Fandango to order a movie ticket. I not only know what parts of Los Angeles are ruined, but also how many died and how many floors are left of the Capitol Records Building. Why? Because all of the details would have been reviewed over and over again.

Hey movie industry, SPOILER ALERT!: you're spoiling the movie going experience by vomiting too much information about the movie before it's released. It would be like George R.R. Martin revealing the end of the last Game of Thrones book in the Forward. Bring back the mystery and mystique.

There are no movie scenes anymore that make us gasp because they've all been rumored, teased, speculated, or openly discussed or seen. There can never be the surprise of a Psycho shower scene because we would have already seen it in the trailer and watch Alfred Hitchcock dissect it on Conan or Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Movies should be an escape from reality. And I mean the modern reality of knowing way too much about the movie before you plan your Friday night trek to the movieplex.

How about bringing back ignorance as bliss?

When I walk into a theater, I want to literally and figuratively be in the dark about what I want to see.

Give it a try yourself and you'll find that you like your movie experience that much more.

Above: The Earthquake trailer told you everything and nothing all at once.

In Search of Coffee and Art

Okay, so where am I?

I'm at the LA Art Show rubbing elbows with Oscar-winner Anne Hathaway and Natasha Henstridge, the alien goddess from Species. Getting here was another story. The traffic from Hollywood to the

dilapidated convention center in Downtown Los Angeles was nothing short of terrifying frustration. I mean, really? 58 minutes to go 5.5 miles? Sheesh! And that's not counting the 22 minutes I spent at one of our new Dunkin' Donuts with a winding line of coffee hipsters.

Once upon a time strolling into your local cafe or McDonald's or food truck to get a cup of inspirational joe to jump start your creative process was simple. You ordered it black or cream and sugar slapped a George Washington on the counter and sauntered out with contented smile to greet your mountain of work. Since when did getting coffee become such an ordeal?

Like many of America's problems, this one is rooted in a common theme: too much variety. Of course, you can get any of these varieties:

...and this doesn't include the Frappuccinos and the food...yet I digress.

I finally make it to the front of the line and I ask for a large coffee and the I'm asked, "Iced or Hot?" Now I'm as open-minded as the next guy, but I recoiled. "Allow me to give you a quick tutorial..." I whispered. "The day 'hot' is not the default assumption for a cup of coffee is the day I drive over a cliff Thelma & Louise style. I would no sooner ask you for an iced coffee than I would sit down at Ruth's Chris and ask the waiter for a frozen steak and point." At that point the young lady behind the counter was near tears as she suggested I leave.

So I drove to a Starbucks where their drink menu is even more absurdly huge and I'm forced to change my vocabulary to Italian. Small is tall, medium is grande and large is venti. The twentysomething couple in front of me ordered a caramel praline Frappuccino with three pumps of mocha, a pumpkin spice loaf slice and two straws. They probably could have heard me roll my eyes but they were too busy talking about buying a new outfit for their beagle.

A rendering of Shaq's sweet bronze statue to be.

Not a soul in that Starbucks was ordering a regular coffee but me. I felt as if I walked into a Nordstrom and asked where I could buy a pair of dungarees and a straw hat. The barista asked me my name to write on the cup and I told it was "Exasperated."

I did strike up an interesting conversation while waiting for my coffee that required a pour-over since they were out of regular coffee. The lady in front of me noted that only in LA could people come together after parting so acrimoniously. Under the heading of "reunited and it feels so good," the master media manipulator of NBA past, Shaquille O'Neal, and the Los Angeles Lakers has reconciled. Thanks to the Lakers and AEG, the Diesel is getting a bad-ass stature at Staples Center some time during the 2016-2017 season. At least there's free wi-fi, right?

What happened to the regular cup of coffee? Let's invest in a red can of Folgers or a blue can of Maxwell House and not worry if the beans were picked by a kid making ten cents a day. Pour that black gold into a ceramic glazed 22-ounce mug and celebrate the simplicity of inspirational caffeine.

How foolish of me to have wasted all that time shopping for some java. The convention had a Starbucks one escalator ride down from the main entrance at the art show. It justs goes to show you, inspiration is everywhere!

The LA Art Show Red Carpet

A pregnant Anne Hathaway rocked the red carpet seventies style...

...with a mini Marc Jacobs dress and Miu Miu sandals.

Natasha Henstridge still among the finest Species at any event.

Ever find that diamond Billy Zane?

Ever catch Odette Annable in Banshee? You should.

Kathleen Robertson is a hidden treasure.

Perrey Reeves sparkled.

Oh Donna...Sarah Rafferty aka Donna Paulsen from Suits has the best walk in Hollywood.

And there was art too...lots of it: