Getting out of tricky situations isn't easy. But along the way, I get to hang out with princesses (they never wear their crowns), camel jockeys (literally!) and famous (well at least quasi-famous) people...all for the love of media and travel.
Okay, so where am I?
I'm contemplating buying one of Elon Musk's $500 flamethrowers. I mean, really, who DOESN’T want a flamethrower?
Full disclosure...The long awaited (especially by me) Media Guy television pilot has several mentions of the protagonist Alex Logan shining a flamethrower for his retiring agency boss before things go off the rails. There's even a flamethrower back story supplied by Alex's sexy assistant (why? because every television sitcom set in the office has a petite, sexy assistant, that's why!):
"You know, flame throwing devices date back to the Byzantine era. The modern version came from Germany. It’s translated from the German word Flammenwerfer and was invented by Richard Fiedler at the turn of the 20th century. It projected a jet of fire and enormous clouds of smoke twenty yards long, the way Peter does when he’s upset."
Today, it appears that the Media Guy wouldn't have to go down to his local Army-Navy store to pick up some dusty, decommissioned flamethrower. Now he can dial up Musk's The Boring Company and pick out a new street-legal model. For those of you who don't not Musk, he is the founder of SpaceX, the brains behind Tesla Inc., co-chairman of OpenAI and the CEO of Neuralink.
Media Guy Pilot Script from 2013
“Mark this down as one of the promises Elon delivers on,” The Verge writes, “apparently, because it looks like the Boring Company flamethrower is here. Redditors in a few SpaceX, Boring Company, and Musk-related subreddits noticed earlier this week that [a company] URL started redirecting to a page with a password box. And at least one user was able to guess the original password, too: “flame.”
It is still unclear how the flamethrower functions and I already have so many questions and the $500 needed is already earmarked for cigars:
How far will the flame stretch?
What will fuel it?
How much fuel with its tank hold?
Where is its tank?
For now, I have very little to go on with the image looking like a Nerf gun with a small section of hose at the back. But I do know one thing, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want a flamethrower. It would could almost be the perfect question for a lie detector test.
Guy Giving a Lie Detector Test: “Do you want a flame thrower?” Guy Taking the Lie Detector Test: “No...”Guy Giving a Lie Detector Test: “I’m sorry sir, you just failed the lie detector test”.
When touring Lebanon, it would be easy to miss some of the finest wines and arak in the world. Here’s a hidden gem the Media Guy recommends for those with a discerning palette.
Bekaa, Lebanon
Ok, I hear you…the BekaaValley? The Middle East’s breeding ground for terrorism training and drug running? You want us to go THERE for wine?
Let me clear up these myths right now: This ISN’T your father’s BekaaValley…
I’ve seen the Bekaa with my own eyes. Home to the finest Greek/Roman archeological site (Baalbeck) in my world, Bekaa has changed quite a bit in the modern Lebanon. The days where stolen cars would be dumped after being ransomed off and the massive hashish trade are long gone. When you enter the Valley, the military checkpoint is welcoming and alerts you of any pitfalls that may await your journey. I called them “the Armed Forces Lonely Planet.”
Fine wine making is a tradition that dates back over 5,000 to the original inhabitants of Lebanon: the Phoenicians. With Byblos, the world’s oldest continuously running seaport a short distance away, tending vineyards and then trading the wine with spice runners were a natural fit. And, the people in Bekaa—then and now—are among the world’s most hospitable.
Now that we’ve cleared this up, let’s get to the good stuff. Massaya is the continuing incarnation of the pioneering Tanaïl Estate tended by the Ghosn family. Today, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to call the sprawling, dramatically-located vineyard the centerpiece of the burgeoning Lebanese wine tourism industry.
On the day I arrived, Sami Ghosn was the king of hospitality treating a few colleagues / friends and me to a tour of the winery while crafting some amazing culinary selections from their Le Relais restaurant where guests normally lounge under the comfort of lush trees and pergolas.
In one of the most glorious dining experiences this side of Italy, Sami and his brother Ramzi—a trained Cordon Blue chef himself—guided their normal staff of housewives from neighboring villages in a finely executed balancing act of blended gastronomy.
Bruschetta, whole bean hummos, grilled eggplant with the signature Massaya soja sauce and pasta with dried anchovy paced a full-throttle menu that retained its equilibrium and old-world personality indigenous to the Bekaa region.
Sami Ghosn is the king of hospitality.
Inside the authentic country kitchen where the meal was being prepared in front of us, the sumptuous glasses of Massaya wines invited easy camaraderie with our new friends.
As Danny McCoy [Josh Duhamel’s character in Las Vegas] might say, “I’m more of a beer man than a wine man,” the Media Guy usually would say he’s more a vodka martini guy than a wine guy, but today swayed my bias towards to sweet tastes of Massaya.
The vineyard produces five labels every vintage: one Massaya Rosé, one Massaya blanc and three Massaya rouge (Gold Reserve, Silver Selection and Classic). Each features a fruity, rich blend with remarkably low acidity; a smooth innovative taste that is such to add to unforgettable evenings when you uncork a bottle at home with your guests.
As I sipped my way through the evening, somewhere between mountains and the MediterraneanSeas I felt something stirring. I realized it was my soul connecting to the land. I envisioned the Phoenicians entertaining much the same way. An understated feast with new friends while enjoying the wine that can only be crafted in the special place that Bekaa has become once again.
Epilogue
A quick search of the Internet found dozens of places to find Massaya wines. If you can’t find what you need, contact them directly:
I'm on phone watch hoping Karl-Johan Persson, the CEO and president of Hennes & Mauritz, aka H&M, stops monkeying around and dials me up so we can discuss their ridiculous Monkey hoodie and subsequent lame apology. Maybe before I rant and rave and tell you how a simple pre-release phone call to the Media Guy can save companies millions of dollars, perhaps I should show you the source of my consternation:
H&M: What were you thinking?
Uhhhhhhh...I'd be speechless in this case, but, you know, I'm never speechless.
In previous columns, I have expressed empathy for the CEOs of these organizations for not calling because I felt people in the marketing and advertising department would lose their jobs. But in reality, nothing happens. They just go about their days and weeks issuing lame apologies and react to the situation they caused, rather than respond to them.
In case you missed it, the term "monkey" has been used as a racial slur toward African-Americans. Just look at the picture above. In the ad, the African-American is a "monkey" and the Caucasian kid is a "survival expert." Ugh!
The "monkey" sweatshirt fiasco is yet another miserable reminder of how much more work lies ahead when it comes educating corporations about the consequences of using certain images and messaging. The Swedish clothing giant is learning that lesson firsthand.
A barrage of comments ensued, including multi-platinum recording artist The Weeknd who ended his partnership with H&M:
woke up this morning shocked and embarrassed by this photo. i’m deeply offended and will not be working with @hm anymore... pic.twitter.com/P3023iYzAb
It didn't end there. A barrage of comments ensued, with celebs from Questlove and Snoop Dogg to LeBron James and Diddy raucously protesting (and, in some cases, redesigning) the tone-deaf ad via Twitter and Instagram. H&M also lost rapper G-Eazy who also terminated his agreement in advance of the March 1 launch of his H&M collection.
In true cover your ass mode, H&M released a statement saying it had withdrawn the hoodie from sale and would "thoroughly investigate" to make sure there is not a repeat of the incident.
As my colleagues have noted over the years, the "whitest guy in the room" should take a backseat when it comes to being outspoken about racial matters. Having spent my formative years growing up in Inglewood, Compton, Hawthorne, I know what sets a crowd off and how institutional stereotypes screws everything up.
From where I sit, it's painfully obvious that no one of color is involved with the H&M creative teams. Further their apology seems like a reluctant task rather than a duty to the communities they are hoping to retain favor with...
I worked for them for years and they’re clueless sometimes. The head office in Sweden is very disconnected to issues of racism, cultural & social challenges. They seriously probably think this is cute.
H&M is a huge brand among people of color. What other actionable moves is H&M going to make? They’ve supported so many popular and up-and-coming artists including Lana Del Rey, Chance the Rapper, Amason, Florrie, and Lykke Li. If H&M addresses the issue honestly and explains how they’re going to rectify it then of course it will all blow over. As we know, talent is forgiving, especially when a payday rolls around. A year from now, few will remember.
I guess what bothers me is that all of this could have been stopped with one call to me. If they would have shown me this ad series, I could have solved it all by just switching the sweatshirts from one kid to another. It could have been done in post-production with a few hours of Photoshop.
In the coming days and weeks, it will be fascinating to see what the ensuing fallout will be for H&M. Will other music artists resist associating with the multi-billion-dollar chain? What additional steps will the firm take to recalibrate its in-house attention to cultural detail?
Will they call the Media Guy?
Karl-Johan...remember this: one call to me will save could you millions of dollars...words to consider strongly.
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Previous "You Should Have Called the Media Guy" Columns:
I'm at The Beverly Hilton on the red carpet soaking in the madness on the red carpet of the 75th Golden Globes Awards. Honestly, I don't know how and why I continue to be asked to cover this event. But, I am so thankful, because the organized chaos of an awards show held at a hotel (instead of a traditional theatre venue) is something you should experience at least once. What's it like? Take a look...
Most of you already know that the red carpet was painted black in a fashion sea of protests and Oprah practically announced her presidential candidacy with her powerful speech and Time's Up was the theme of the politically charged night. But, as you know, all of the real fun happens off camera, including Tom Hanks making sure the martinis were served on point and over $20 million of jewelry and watches were worn last night.
Hanks, the four-time Golden Globe winner, impressively played waiter for his crew, delivering a tray of martinis while winding his way through the crowd.
As always there is a no-photo rule in the International Ballroom, but the Rock arrived and everyone wanted to smell what he was cooking. Dwayne Johnson, whose sixteen-year-old daughter Simone Garcia Johnson was this year’s Golden Globes Ambassador, had a posse of followers eager to breaks the photo rule. Looking extra handsome with his salt-and-pepper goatee and super white teeth obliged all.
The Rock with his daughter, Simone Garcia Johnson, and Thor (Chris Hemsworth)
If you saw the sea of black on the red carpet you know that most of the actresses in attendance signed on to the Time’s Up initiative. Their unity hit the forefront away from the cameras after Natalie Portman announced “the all-male nominees” for best director. Kerry Washington pumped her arms and gave a high-five to Eva Longoria who was sitting right next to her. Speaking of which...
Kerry Washington vamps at the after parties while Debra Messing and Eva Longoria look on.
Yes, it was a tough night to be a guy at the 75th Golden Globes. Women were abundantly vocal about harassment and their fight for gender parity*, however men were mostly quiet. Host Seth Meyers was a noteworthy exception, acknowledging that a white man may not have been the perfect host for the movement but filling his monologue with enough self-deprecation and righteous barbs to ease any concerns – or maybe he had some smart writers. Otherwise, mum was the word for men about the subject, with their biggest statements made in the form of fashionable lapel pins.
"I want to give room to the women that don't normally have voices to talk about their sexual assault and rape and I'm listening. They need to know that it's not their fault and they're not dirty and that's my message tonight." --Viola Davis
The Feud Continues? When Jennifer Aniston appeared onstage, all eyes were on the Friends icon. Well, all except two, it seems. Seated at a table near the stage, Angelina Jolie appeared to look down and ignore Aniston as she presented an award. Super Awkward.
I've always said "either be unique or great...or both."
So you're probably asking, why am I saying that now? Well, while doing some research for an upcoming university project, I came across a section on a college website which highlighted how much it likes “diversity and inclusivity."
First off, congrats on being proud of your very high standards that most colleges and companies couldn’t possibly reach, even with a brilliantly-written mission and diversity statement. Really, it makes then very exclusive (the opposite of inclusive, duh!).
And yeah, it’s great that you’re attracting more minorities and people of color, but at the same time, your faculty gets more and more liberal, with conservatives being increasingly rare birds.
What the heck am I speaking about? you ask...
It means that you like diversity when it’s about stuff that shouldn’t matter (gender, skin color, sexual preferences), but less so when it affects something that should (intellectual and political diversity).
But of course, the university can’t admit this, or else there’d be all kinds of trouble. It’s such a rabbit hole, I doubt anyone could avoid the land mines he said, shamelessly mixing his metaphors.
Maybe the university would be better off valuing “uniqueness” rather than “diversity”?
Just thinking out loud.
Speaking of thinking out loud, in 2016, I introduced my "You Should Have Called the Media Guy" column where I call out tone-deaf advertisers who would have been wise to call me before running some of their ill-fated ads. So far, I've tackled:
I write these columns opening wondering how advertising like this could have possibly made it past their high-paid teams teams of creatives and then when they do, they double down by spending millions of dollars in ad space to brag how clueless their ads are, tarnishing their brands along the way.
Despite my soapbox pontification, companies from McDonald's to Dove to Pepsi produced some tasteless advertising decisions last year. I mean, really? A simple phone call and a small consulting check made out to yours truly could have saved all of these companies a lot of bank.
And no, I am not always the smartest guy in the room, but yes, I AM somewhat of a savant as to why your silly commercial will or won't work. So, like the classic 1970s Fram Oil Filter commercial told us, "you can pay me now or, pay me later":
A small five-figure check to the Media Guy will save you seven figures down the road...yet I digress.
Bottom line of all of this? Don’t do what they did! So while I covered some bad campaigns already, here are three of my newest inductees into the Media Guy Hall of Shame:
T-Mobile
I hated this commercial so much, that I cannot believe I'm actually putting this in my column and subjecting myself to potential hearing the signature T-Mobile audio cues again, and again, and again. Serious, it's great that new T-Mobile users could now access Netflix as part of their subscription. But telling me again and again, and again? I just wanted to punch my TV:
Model and John Legend worshipper Chrissy Teigen may have said it best, "The T-Mobile commercial with alternating Netflix and T-mobile sounds puts me into an anxiety inducing personal hell.” On a side note, I cannot believe I am using a Chrissy Teigen quote to validate my hatred for this ad.
Dove
How in the world would you pay money to put an ad on television that could best be described as "racially insensitive" and at worst be cased "downright racist'? Dove did just that in October. The soap company posted an ad on its Facebook page that featured a black woman taking off a shirt similar to her skin tone to reveal that she had turned into a white woman wearing a shirt similar to her skin tone. What? Whaaaaaaaat?
Dove quickly pulled the ad and apologized: “In an image we posted this week, we missed the mark in thoughtfully representing women of color and we deeply regret the offense that it has caused. The feedback that has been shared is important to us, and we’ll use it to guide us in the future.”
Regardless of their ghost-written apology, hashtags like #DoneWithDove and #DoveIsRacist have gained traction. Such a shame. One call to the Media Guy would have solved their problem. In 2017-18, you don't take chances with people thinking you aren't diversity inclusive. McDonald’s
In May, McDonald’s U.K. "Dad" spot shows a boy asking his mum what his dad was like. After a series of anecdotes and walking around the English countryside, the duo arrive at their local McDonald’s where it’s revealed the son and father both shared a love for Filet-O-Fish.
I'm sure you noticed that that the boy is clearly hoping one of the descriptions will line up with something that would describe himself. Alas, the boy and his dad seemingly had nothing in common, except that fish sandwich.
After the harsh criticism of the ad, McDonald’s yanked the spot and apologized. Sigh...
Okay, so where am I?
