Let's just say that I wasn't one of those 25,000 people who was watching Tom Brady become the greatest of all time. (The kids tell me to just say GOAT, but when I was a youngster, the goat was someone who failed in THE big moment). Let's just say I'm in the same place that I have been for the last 45 weeks. That should narrow it all down.
The big question is, how come 25,000 people got to go to the big game went we are told to not gather with others to the point where places like Oregon want to arrest you or fine you if you. Here you have the two sides with two agendas:
Meanwhile money ruled the day, especially for the telecast of the game. CBS released their Super Bowl rate card for 30-second commercial spots at $5.6 million which kept the average cost level with last year's game. In the midst of the ongoing pandemic, CBS didn't sell out until late January (Fox sold out its ad inventory in November and had to add two and a half minutes of commercials to meet demand). What's worse for CBS, they had to undercut the opening price to actually achieve sold out status. (Adweek reports that Scotts Miracle-Gro purchased an :30 in mid-January at a discounted $5.5 million.) If you wanted to be included in the CBS Super Bowl live stream, advertisers had to pony up another $300,000.
On the Tom Brady-Boston divorce, it was very apparent that one-half of the couple clearly missed the other a whole lot...
On the total ratings front, CBS and reported that 96.4 million viewers watched "across all platforms, including the CBS Television Network, CBS Sports and NFL digital properties, Buccaneers and Chiefs mobile properties, Verizon Media mobile properties and ESPN Deportes television and digital properties." This is the lowest the Super Bowl viewership since 2006. On the bright side of things for CBS, the game performed better on digital, with 5.7 million streamers setting a Super Bowl record and is up 65% over last year. It's hard to spin these Super Bowl ratings into a positive story, with the numbers plummeting despite the much-hyped matchup of star QBs, snowstorms in the Northeast snowstorms, and a litany of other factors that should have pointed to an increase in ratings. But...
This game will be the most viewed U.S. telecast of 2021 by a wide margin. The NFL remains as the most powerful TV product in America. The Super Bowl shows that when it comes to ratings, a competitive game matters more than any other factor and this game was the second biggest Super Bowl blowout in the last 18 years.
Now onto the good stuff...
If you thought the Super Bowl ads from 2017 were awkward and weird and tried too hard to fit the cultural narrative, you need to see some of the misfires from this year’s game. I don’t need to remind you that 45 weeks of lockdowns and hearing about washing your hands, wear a mask, and social distancing produced a million disastrous situations for our friends, families, and countries. This year a bunch of ads paid homage to the big issues (but passed over the particulars) while others presented ambiguous pushes for national unity as they opportunely failed to reference exactly what it was that’s divided us. These ads didn’t land because, well, you can’t actually have an effectual unity or compassion message without specifics—but then again, you can’t say too much or you run the risk of offending one side of the country and maybe both.
Winners
General Motors
Will Ferrell.
Awkwafina.
Kenan Thompson.
Bad Scandinavian Navigating.
What more do you want?
General Motors’ ad agency crafted this tour de force depicting Ferrell as an electric vehicle enthusiast with a curious resentment against Norway, because it “sells more electric cars per capita than the U.S.” If it’s up to Ferrell that won’t last long as GM has long been ahead of the Green New Deal promising to release 30 new electric vehicles by 2025.
Eat it, Norway! But much like energy czar John Kerry who flies everywhere in his private jet, the stars of this spot expanded their carbon footprint multi-fold by embarking on a spur-of-the-moment and pointless trip to Scandinavia.
Bud Light Seltzer
Physical comedy reigns kings again. The commercial starts like this…
“When did Bud Light Seltzer start making lemonade? Probably when 2020 handed us all those lemons.”
And that’s where the fun begins as it starts raining lemons like cats and dogs, and smashing anyone unfortunate enough to stand in their path—kind of like 2020 itself! As we know too well, the tragedies of the past year are best met head on with a stead diet of alcohol.
M&M’s
M&M’s never fail to deliver cleverness while reminding you that you should consume some chocolate covered in a hard candy shell that melt in your mouth and not in your hands Schitt’s Creek actor Dan Levy fresh off an appearance on Saturday Night Live appearance (nice push-pull there M&M’s) apologizes to the a couple of outdoor dining M&Ms for eating their brothers and sisters only see a twist of fate for the candy.
Paramount+
On March 4th, CBS All Access will be no mate as it rebrands itself as Paramount Plus on March 4th and you got my attention with this ad uniting some of the biggest stars and characters that we all will be be able to watch on the revamped and reinvigorated streaming network. Patrick Stewart (Star Trek: Picard) Beavis and Butt-Head, Dora the Explorer, Jeff Probst (Survivor), Tom Selleck (the Frank Reagan Blue Bloods iteration), Christine Baranski (The Good Fight’s Diane Lockhart and Spock (Ethan Peck), and more on top of Mount Paramount.
Losers
Elon Musk’s SpaceX
Inspiration4, a project of Elon Musk’s SpaceX, wants dreamers like us to think big and envision ourselves in outer space:
“This fall, Inspiration4 launches as the first all-civilian mission to space … and you could be on board,” says the ad, directing our curiosity to their website.
This was a great twist on most Super Bowl ads offering humdrum fantasies of driving mid-level E- or S-class cars or diving into a fresh bag of chips—you know, the stuff impulse buys are made of. If the objective was to get me to their website (it did), but I think like most of us we’ve seen this episode of The Simpsons (they predict everything) and it went poorly for everyone.
Doritos
Alright, alright, alright…
Matthew McConaughey stars as a startling 2D being who repels everyone he meets in this year’s Doritos ad. It’s safe to say that this spot is not funny and if it were locked into your dreams you’d wake in a cold sweat from that nightmare. All of this to shill for Doritos 3D, and its new puffy 3D shaped chip. After sliding into a vending machine in 2D form and stealing a bag of chips, McConaughey is restored to his normal shape and size inside the fat-dispensing device. Sweet payback. Still not funny.
Guinness
Sure Joe Montana is 4-0 in the Super Bowl and never threw an interception in the big game. The time of the commercial was ill-advised and the outcome proved that Tom Brady is the true goat.
The Tears of Confusion Award
Toyota
Ok I cried, but what does it have to do with Japanese cars?
The “What the F%(#” Award
Oatly
The well sought-after “What the F%(#” award to Oatly. What’s Oatly you ask? Why it’s a somewhat unknown supplier of oat milk and oat milk–related goods. CEO Toni Petersson wasted nearly $6 million—well, way over that number when you factor in production costs to make the spot and agency fees—on a vanity piece on a maudlin country field lounge act replete with bad singing about “how oat milk is like milk, but made for humans.” Oh yes, but only if you’re a smug granola cruncher. (Apologies to the granola crunchers and/or those who are lactose intolerant.) What's worse is that the company couldn't event be bothered to put the commercial on their social media accounts. Sheesh!
Meanwhile, the Internet is undefeated!:
The Big Tech is Still Coming for You Award
Amazon Alexa
Just another example of big tech stealing from you. This time they are plotting to entice your wife with Michael B. Jordan reading to her in the bath tub creating fantasies for her as she moans in pleasure as she fogs up the windows in her high-rise office, (forever) lost in some erogenous illusion.
“Alexa…stay away from my wife!”