Laziness

Okay, so where am I?

Let's just say that Oscar Week ground me down like never before. And, I'm still a little stung by Jennifer Lawrence's lateness for the red carpet arrivals. Usually she's there early showing off a lovely red dress and generally trying to avoid my camera. But this time she showed up nearly ten minutes into the live telecast and stopped only few a minute for a few choice shots (see below).

I was there waiting with my #believe sign when she finally showed. Well worth the wait...Yet, I digress.

A few, uh, spa days were in order far, far from Hollywood. My feet still sore from running around three towns of red carpets and my ears still ringing from photographers imploring movie stars to look into their cameras, something struck me: when did we get so lazy?

Everyone wants a short cut now. Technology might be the culprit. It's always there allowing the slacker who doesn't want to put in the time a fraudulent avenue to appear more talented. It used to be that talent was organic. It was yours and you created it. You owned it. You studied film or music or art or past ad campaigns. Now, there's a app for that...and it's trademarked.

Can't sing? No worries, there's Auto-Tune.

Too lazy to study film? Not a problem. There's a video recorder in everyone's pocket now with editing by numbers.

Right in the style of Hemingway, paint a field of flowers just like Monet...all you need is a computer and some gall.

Journalism degree? What for? Ambush a drunk celebrity, take a picture, sell it to TMZ and BAM!...You're a journalist!

She's on the cover of Adweek!

America has become a place where fraudulent talent and faux celebrity is home. Today, you get famous if you're clever on Vine or stupid enough on YouTube. The very fact that we have elevated an entire clan of Kardashians to superstar status verifies this explicitly.

You know who I feel sorry for?: Photographers.

No line of work has been more devalued. The smartphone has turned everyone into a photographer. It wasn't long ago that a trained photographer took the time to select the right type of film, the right type of lens, exposure and lighting and then develop their own pictures in a darkroom. Once upon a time if there was a calamity, the newspaper would dispatch an entire team of reporters and photographers to cover the scene. Now, by the time the photographer gets there, he can't get close enough to shot a decent picture because of the teeming horde of people clicking away on their iPhone cameras.

Relationships? People don't event earn those nowadays with all of the shortcuts available. It used to be you'd have to haunt bars, wedding or funerals, honing your charming pickup lines to woo someone the old fashioned way. Now you get on Tinder or Grindr and your date appears as if she were delivered via UPS.

From photography to relationships, we need to get back to basics, like showing up on time for the red carpet.

Jen's wild ride through the red carpet...

Sheesh!

Random thoughts from the road…

For the tenth summer in a row it’s the summer of super heroes at the box office. We’re right in the middle of it now…Avengers ($1.5 billion worldwide so far), Spiderman ($140 million domestically so far), and Batman coming in a week. With all of this this box office smashing record business, it brings the debate, just who is the best super hero.

If there were a March Madness kind of round robin, who would you go with? Thor vs. Captain America vs. The Hulk vs. Batman? It doesn’t matter as long as you don’t go with Aquaman as your number one choice. Remember that story arc in Entourage where Vince Chase is freaking out that James Cameron is directing the Aquaman movie? He should have never worried because Aquaman is the bottom of the barrel when it comes to battling the bad guys. This brings me to the standard bearer of all super heroes: Superman.

The only people that like Superman above the others are the front runners of the world. I have a news bulleting for everyone…he’s made of steel. That’s a stacked deck if I ever heard of one. He’s faster than a speeding bullet and more powerful than a locomotive. His top rival is a bald, middle age guy with a 180 IQ. The only way to stop this indestructible man is with Kryptonite. Where do you get this stuff? I mean it blew up decades ago in some super nova blast from another galaxy. Where is everyone getting this stuff anyway?

As far as super heroes go, he’s the safe choice. Sheesh!

Even Dana Gordon knew Aquaman was the worst...

Back to reality…I have been awaiting feedback from book chapters that were submitted to the publisher. Now keep in mind that I was told that when I started submitting chapters the feedback would be spotty and slow. I would get it when I get it and that’s the way the cookie crumbled. However, with the first round, I received instant feedback. When I asked why my editor got back to me so fast, they said that since the writing was flowing so well he just couldn’t wait to get information back to me. I thought, well that’s nice and it allowed me to get into the next batch of writing which I submitted soon thereafter.

Weeks went by and I heard nothing, so I sent an email to my editor, Maggie, saying something like, “Did you get the chapters? Any new feedback?” and of course I got nothing. Then when I spoke to my agent a week later, I asked him if he heard anything. He told me he sent an email and heard nothing back. And then we waited another three weeks. At that point I called my editor’s assistant and asked him to see what’s up. A few days later—now remember this is now five weeks since I sent in batch two of chapters—I get an email forward to me through the assistant from my editor:

From: XXXXXXX [mailto:xxxx@xxxxxxxxxxxxx.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 11, 2012 12:42 PM
To: 'Michael Lloyd'
Subject: FW: Lloyd Book Feedback

New titles department. No need information on Lloyd book.

I know how desperate Michael is to get this information.

There should be something soon, Maggie

That caught me a little off guard. I really dislike when people ignore you for a while and them make it seem like it’s you who is anxious and in this case “desperate”. From the side of the sanity perspective, it seems desperate because my first few communication attempts were not replied to in any timely fashion. I know she didn’t mean it to be negative, but still….”desperate”? Sheesh.

It’s like that thing people do in a retail setting when you need help. You know that person behind the cash wrap who is fiddling with the straws or straightening cups or something and they are half turned away from you. You wait, but then you give the little, “Pardon me” and you get no reaction so you go with the “Excuse me…” And you still get nothing so you say, “uh, sir..” and there’s finally a sharp burst of “I heard you!”

More great customer service

Meanwhile you’re standing there thinking “I’m not impatient; a grunt or a moan or some type of acknowledgement would have served me just fine.” Really, the mental “I’ll be with you in a minute” doesn’t cut it because I’m not a mind reader. Sheesh!

Thank goodness the Kardashians have been pushed back to page three of the gossip hound and replaced with of all things the shocking TomKat split. I was listening to the radio while stuck in Los Angeles traffic gridlock when the great escape was described something like this: “A determined Katie Holmes plotted her escape from domineering hubby Tom Cruise like a “Mission: Impossible” operation — using a pal’s disposable cellphone to talk to lawyers in three states so Cruise couldn’t trace her calls or location.” Whatever happened to letting this all play out on Divorce Court. Sheesh!

Finally, since the second-to-last-episode of this season’s Mad Men revealed that Peggy was due to make a cool $120,000 a year managing accounts (Sheesh!), I wondered what other characters would be making today. Luckily there are a lot of people with a lot of time on their hands and these same people came up with this handy chart:

The Handler

You have to be both bouncer and caretaker when the client starts drinking after the event.

“Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, step right up and see the pretty ladies in their tight dresses who haven’t eaten in a week. Now direct your attention the handsome men in the penguin black and whites with extra shirt starch…”

It’s a big top of a different sort: the Red Carpet that would typically make the Ringling Brothers, and even P.T. Barnum himself, jealous and proud. Like any good traveling show, the red carpet features the meandering erotic creature in need of a stiff crack of the public relations whip.

‘Crack’ snaps the Blackberry and iPhones as the sage trainers tenderly nudge the A-listers towards the Access Hollywood crew and the C-listers towards the Channel 5 Des Moines Iowa news team. Only the experienced media maniacs can handle the demands of escorting media darlings such as Kim Kardashian, Leonardo DiCaprio and Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt.

Inside the agency, the handler is treated with apathy by the higher-ups. Down in the trenches, the negotiations and positioning begins. For many, it will be one of their highest-profile assignments as they transform into ninja-mode ,blending into the sea of press, fans and peers. Staying invisible is the key, because we know that any good publicist would be razzed mercilessly if they became the story.

Never blow off the walk-through or your credentials are toast.

My first red carpet experience was in 1998, babysitting Brooke Burke and Yasmine Bleeth at consecutive events. I was merely a kid back then. It was the most invigorating time of my life as The Media Guy turned publicist. These ladies were the hot ticket and everyone wanted a piece of them. In front of the cameras, they were a dream. Behind the scenes? Well, that's another story. 

Truth is, that on those burgundy fibers that shine amber under foot, it’s a mosh pit with a wave of stars set to swallow you up as you crowdsurf into the main event. You have to channel your inner gladiator to survive such days, serving simultaneously as dark-attired guide dog and psychiatrist.

Every quality handler, er, publicist, knows three things:

• 1) know every step of the route,
• 2) tonight is not amateur hour, and
• 3) the real work begins at the after party as you urge your clients to avoid making themselves fodder for TMZ.com.

And, point #3 is the subject of another blog. Later. Much later.

The handler (over Meryl Streep's right shoulder with the yellow badge) is ever present, yet invisible. 

Do you see the handler? Good!