Daniela:::Deux

Two weeks ago I posted a few of the letters from my readers in my annual mail sack column and while I didn't post any of the correspondence about Flight Girl Daniela, I did feel guilty looking back. After all, my interview with the flight attendant with a world of sass is by far the most widely read column in the nearly seven year run of The Media Guy Struggles.

There's nothing like #TBT with Daniela.

I posted Part One as kind of a tongue-in-cheek throwaway column to sum up the Mayan Calendar freak out we all suffered through in December 2012. Then it took off, just like one of those giant Airbuses might, to the tune of 113,000 plus page views. Think about that – 113,000 hits for two people who met up in business class on an empty plane from New York to Los Angeles and ranted on about the behavior of passengers.

Now, eighteen months later we still keep in touch and even caught a modeling class together and I thought it was time to update the sorry state of of how people act on planes.

MEDIA GUY: What's the new trend in asinine behavior on board your flights?

FLIGHT GIRL DANIELA: Bare feet on planes! Honestly people, STOP THE MADNESS. To the footwear challenged, I say to you: Don't f*****g do this! My airplane is not your oddly-shaped bedroom. It's a hermetically-sealed tube doubling as public transportation. “Public” meaning that you didn't charter it! You're not the only person on this sucker. Who wants to be near your toe-jam and athlete's foot and irritated corns. Hey, girls -- that applies to you too.

"Honestly people: STOP THE MADNESS!"

MG: At least they don't ask you to do pedicures (laughs).

FGD: Don't laugh. You'd be really surprised by the idiots that fly. They think it's still the seventies where all of those sexists stewardess advertisements ruled the landscape. Remember, in the 1970s when National Airlines (*) launched their "Fly Me" campaign?

(*) - National Airlines later merged into Pan Am.

You know the one where their aircraft were given female names and the flight attendants starred in the advertising? Thank goodness I wasn't alive, be it seems that you didn't just ride on the airplane...you got to ride the stewardess as well. Michael, honestly, find the add and post it with your column! But it doesn't stop there. How about the new "Got milk?" ads that claim that milk eases PMS symptoms—thus making your wife or girlfriend slightly less of a crazy, irrational bitch every month? Who makes these ads? Promise me me YOU don't do stuff like that.... The anti-woman / anti-girl has to stop some decade.

National Airlines, an, uh, class act. (More ads at the end of the column.)

MG: Why can't they just recline their seat and keep their shoes on?

FGD: Ah, that guy! The Passenger Who Reclines Their Plane Seat. There are few mile-high issues as divisive as the battle over the reclining seat. Some feel it’s their right to sit back and relax on a long flight. After all, they’ve paid good money for the trip and let’s just admit it, most seats are lumpy and just plain wrong. Others find this act ‘plane’ inconsiderate saying the reclining seat should be eliminated. There are fist fights, crushed knees, broken laptops, spills and untold animosity. People are prisoners in their 17-inch across seat who passengers recline, the scent of Head and Shoulders wafting towards my nostrils that are mere inches from your head. My airline is really, really good at taking things away, so how about taking away with quasi Barcalounger?

MG: While we were being horrified by the anaconda, you mentioned something about fakers, but didn't finish...

FGD: ...Fakers are THE worst. Hey fakers! Don’t ask for a wheelchair when you’re perfectly ambulatory just so your lazy ass can board the plane first without walking those exhausting thirty feet. Here’s the thing, first on = last off. So when we land, you will need to wait until every f******g passenger has deplaned before you are able to do the same. And to the majority of you that are somehow healed (CAN I GET AN AMEN?! or a WooWoo) mid-flight? From now on I vow to come find you in the terminal and out you in front of your family as a "faker faker belly acher."

MG: But what's worst? The faker or the the insufferable rude foreign traveler?

FGD: How do you say "go f**k yourself" in French?

I hope the raging B that spoke at me on my last trip to a French-speaking country reads. It may not sound like much, but for me it was enough to make me want to pull her hair out by her horrific ombre roots. I was performing my final compliance when I come across this full-fledged smellbag with her tray table down, still using her laptop. I politely ask her to power it down and stow it.

Her response?: Nothing. Zip.

So, I ask her again. Her response?: Still typing.

I ask a third time while gently waving my hand in her path of vision so she can see me, again nothing.

On my fourth attempt, I slightly raised my voice and asked again. She doesn’t bother to stop typing or look up from the screen and says “I KNOW!!” (like I am inconveniencing her). Of course someone being an smellbag before takeoff is never a good sign.

Cut to the beverage service and when I ask her if they would like a beverage, I get the zero response treatment. After I finish my service, I move down the aisle so I can collect the trash and that's where she sticks her arm into the aisle stopping me mid stride: “Ummmm, is there a reason you skipped us?" Really? First off, if you need to get my attention, kindly ask for it like a normal human being. Maybe an old fashioned “excuse me”. I do not take well to someone pulling at my blouse, trousers, apron, tapping my shoulder, flailing their arms in front of me, snapping their fingers, shaking their cup, etc. NOT. COOL. Keep your hands to yourself and be polite. I mean seriously, who raised you? Uhm, yeah, that's why I skipped you.

I get one of these ladies on every flight...

MG: Surely, it's not all that bad?

FGD: No, not at all. I just find it funny that people want to take it out on us for the baggage fees and delays and TSA pat-down incidents. Trust me, we are getting paid less than you are! I mean, if you where at McDonald's would you go behind the counter and serve yourself? We get people who do that all of the time. Don’t touch the cart for goodness sakes! And, do not even think about helping yourself to whatever you want off of it. Just ask.

Oh, maybe I need a vacation from traveling. Let's go find some more anacondas to draw!

American Airlines...

...and Continental were also sexist ads culprits.

---
EDITOR'S NOTE: 
Part 3:
Read part three of Daniela and Michael here.

Drink Like a Mad Man

I have never missed an episode of Mad Men. 

No one quite gets this about me. 

However, if you only knew how similar this show is to the PR guy world I lived as a kid -- even down to the Joan P. Harris (née Holloway) type that used to sashay down the halls of my uncle's ad agency -- well then you would understand.

Yet I digress.

So last week, Don and the gang were back, alternatively facing their problems and running away from them. One constant remained: Don Draper and his erstwhile gang dig their booze. So this Sunday when you tune into AMC for some debauchery and drama, don't forget to pour one of my favorite four from the show. Oh, and don't forget the fancy ice cubes (scroll to the bottom).

Old Fashioned

2 dashes aromatic bitters

1/2 tsp sugar dissolved with water and bitters

1 1/2 oz of Makers Mark bourbon

1 cherry

1 orange slice

1 lemon wedge

When he's not drinking Canadian Club straight, Don Draper favors the old fashioned, which is filled with Vitamin C and fruitiness to offset its somewhat harsh flavor. Counting the sugar, but not the fruit, this drink comes in at 130 calories and 85% efficiency. Better than just about any beer out there and way cooler to drink. John's Grill in San Francisco, where much of The Maltese Falcon was set, makes a good one.

Gibson Martini

2 1/2 oz Tanquerey Gin

3/4 oz dry vermouth

3-5 cocktail onions

A drink that Roger Sterling, who prefers the clear liquors (Stoli is his go-to), may be seen imbibing, the Gibson's 99% efficiency is top notch. Clocking in at 180 calories, it's especially strong too, with as much alcohol as 2.2 Bud Lights. Maybe Roger could switch to something not quite as strong in light of his health issues.

Manhattan

1 3/4 oz bourbon

3/4 oz sweet vermouth

dash of aromatic bitters

1 maraschino cherry

155 calories and 85% efficiency isn't bad. The bitters and cherry were left out of the calculation since the former is a trace amount and the latter technically not part of this drink.

Vodka Gimlet

1 1/2 oz. Vodka

3/4 oz Lime Juice

Fresh Lime Wedges

142 calories and 68% efficiency here. The problem is that lime juice used in a bar (like Rose's Lime Juice) is loaded with calories. Using unsweetened lime juice moves the gimlet into 100% territory, but it probably doesn't taste nearly as good.

Ice, Ice Baby to Go!

Don Draper would never go for such flamboyance with his drinks, but you can certainly take your next glass of scotch or vodka to the next level with 3D on the Rocks.

Each cube was made with fresh spring water and a precision drill.

Enjoy the view.

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UPDATE:
Don't miss the Mad Men drinking game courtesy of Christine Erickson of Mashable.

The Media Guy's Sack

Has it been that long? Over a year since I grabbed my sack...of mail? As usual, I resisted and resisted, but the mailbox is overflowing and alas, you need answers. So, without fanfare, here are the highlights of genuine emails from my irreverent readers.

Question: Knife to your throat, who's the next sweetheart of American Television? We thought it was going to be January Jones and she went sideways with her off screen antics. Then we thought it was going to be Blake Lively and then she got married. I'm banking on Emma Watson now that she ditched Mr. Potter. What say you?

—Bobbie, Oklahoma City

Media Guy: My money goes directly into the account of "Mad Men" and "Community" star Alison Brie, who may just be the most under-rated perfect woman working in Hollywood. Insane you say? Nope. Take a look at Smirnoff Vodkas new series of television and Internet "Party at Adam Scott’s” house commercials. She plays herself through the spots as the hangs with Derek Huff and cleverly debates the merits of new age vodka claim.

Watch all six and you'll see why I've sold my Selena Gomez stock and put it all into Mrs. Pete Campbell. Speaking of Selena...I saw her a few months back and she couldn't have been nicer...

The Selena Encounter: click here

Q: Saw your chance encounter with Selena [Gomez] at the Grammys, nice work, but I just saw the story where she fired her parents.

—M Miller, Los Angeles

MG: Well apparently they already disapprove of their daughter dating Justin Bieber, so it may not have come as much of a surprise to Selena Gomez's parents when she fired them. Perhaps they had a Jack Woltz-Tom Hagen dinner where they thought that Bieber may pull a Johnny Fontaine...

Q: Whatever happened to models on magazines? Print used to make models into celebrities. Now the celebrities are pushing models back to the runway. Or is it my imagination.

MG: It's not just Maxim and Playboy that use sex appeal to sell magazines. Women's magazines, men's magazines, music magazines -- they're all using sexy celebrities to move paper. Even Julia Louis-Dreyfus the greatest female comedienne of all time, is getting into the act.

—S Willson, Stamford, Ct.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" you say? What about Lucille Ball or even Ellen DeGeneres? Certainly they brought more to the small screen than the heiress to the Louis Dreyfus Energy Services fortune, right? No, no, no my friends. Three Emmys for Actress in a Leading Role and the lead female during the first renaissance of Saturday Night Live say it all. (Plus, Ellen and Lucy never looked that good on the cover of a magazine.) Here are some of the hottest covers I found from the past few years.

Q: Is Cinemax in trouble with that starlet lawsuit they were levied with?

—Barbara W., Boston

MG: Oh yes, Anne Greene certainly caused a stir when her lawsuit said she was “bullied into performing nude scenes, sexually harassed and placed in a dangerous work environment.” I mean, really! Who would have expected this type of filming on a network nicknamed "Skinemax"?! I showed her sizzle reel to a few of my female friends (READ: not girlfriends, female friends) just to get their unedited reaction. Here it was …

“Is she acting or did she stub her toe or what? (Staring.) She doesn't want to take her clothes off? What’s the deal? She'll never work without being a body double or stripping down for Skinemax. (Short pause.) Ugh! AMAZING.”

Q: I’m a bit worried that Cadillac may implode after that disastrous Olympics television ad campaign. If I took a shot of vodka every time I yelled at the TV in between luge and skiing runs I would have been literally drunk for a month.

—Maggie Hazelton, Falls Church, VA

MG: I guess it's time to dust of the open letter I half penned to Alan Batey, Executive Vice President and President, General Motors North America:

Geez man.

What happened to your smart Cadillac advertising campaign?

You remember the one announced last fall? The one where your campaign was supposed to lean on American Dream and our values where the notion still exists that that everyone can create his or her own destiny. The one where Cadillac was supposed to be painted as a more-accessible car than it has been?

"Work Hard. Be Lucky."

Sounded pretty hot to this Media Guy.

Especially since it was a definite departure from the messaging that General Motors has leaned on previously to market Cadillac. It seemed they finally would depart from the stuffed-shirt wealthy white guy ads they used for decades and the more recent “sexy Kate Walsh” commercials. "The Standard of the World," as it was touted for nearly one hundred years, looked to be shuttered as Cadillac's marketing team charted a new course for luxury automobiles.

And then they introduced the “Poolside” ad for the 2014 Cadillac ELR:

Let's just say that the spot— relentlessly aired during the Olympics—wasn't the darling of the masses.

As I scoured the reviews of media critics, terms like "vaguely sociopathic," "the single most obnoxious television ad ever made," and "sick…stressed…stupid" leapedfrom the pages of pundits. From the back seat of my palatial media room (a wicker chair and a 50” plasma – nothing special), it’s easy to see why. The ever-cool actor Neal McDonough is ideally suited to play the heavy and has quite nicely for the past decade. But to sign him as the guy who is supposed to represent hard work, yet is really the guy who lives in the hills that everyone resents is horrifying.

Mr. Batey, I could continue and pitch my wares as your would-be media consultant, but I'm going to join Maggie in a shot or two as we yell at the youtube clips!

Q: I give up. Social media can do whatever they want. Can't you be the social media commissioner and reel in the beast?

—Davida Bryant, Cleveland, OH

MG: I want to inform you of something right now — there is no love lost between the Katherine Heigl and Duane Reade and Social Media. THESE THREE DO NOT LIKE EACH OTHER! And I want to tell you something else — I'm loving it! You don’t see this stuff enough in the media. I hope you're reading the battle Heigl is waging with New York pharmacy giant Duane Reade after they looked to capitalize on her shopping at the store. $6 million in damages; that's heady stuff.  David Griner of Adweek just wrote an amazing piece on "4 Ways to Avoid Being Sued by a Celebrity Over a Tweet." You should read the entire article, but here is the Griner's Top 4:

1. Get permission (which you're probably not going to do, so skip to No. 2).
2. Retweet without commentary.
3. Say you're flattered, and be transparent.
4. If they ask you to take it down, take it down.

David, and ladies and gentlemen: Your new social media commissioner...David Griner.

Q:  What ever happened to Margrét, Your New Favorite Amazon Model?

—Sezen A, Istanbul

MG: I just spoke with her and she is rather excited:

"I’m one of the top models being considered for an amazing week-long nude photography workshop! Here’s how they describe this workshop: 'If you’ve ever wanted to explore and photograph some of the most amazing (secret) locations in the southwest – like magnificent slot canyons, massive red rock arches, historic Anasazi ruins from the 1200′s, towering ‘tapestry’ cliff walls, petroglyphs, sweeping panoramic vistas and more – all surrounded by emerald green water and only accessible by boat – PLUS work with beautiful nude models and learn one-on-one with master photographers – taking your photography to the next level – this is your chance. This workshop only has 2 spots left – don’t miss out on this photographic adventure of a lifetime.' I am super pumped and working hard every day to get in amazing shape. Only brown rice and steamed veggies for this girl."

And with that my friends, the Media Guy is out of here...

SPOILER ALERT

You could spend a lifetime catching up on movies you've missed with tricky endings. Now you can save yourself the time from watching such cinematic masterpieces such as “Citizen Kane,” “The Empire Strikes Back,” “Harry Potter” and “Soylent Green” by peeking in at “Spoiler Alert!” from Screen Junkies. And, just a tip, don't sit through "The Crying Game" to see the "big" surprise ending too!

Two-wheeled Creatures

Back in 2010, I posted a photo of Mandy Rusillo, the Chicagoland messenger that will be featured in my upcoming book (should be gracious publisher ever stop making changes). In places like New York and Chicago, the media folks would (almost) literally die without their messengers to shuttle final art around town.

I wrote then that the shadow of a pedestrian often means danger. And the snap of a car door opening in front of her can mean suicide. Rusillo is one of the thousands of bicycle messengers in Chicago who navigate the labyrinth of vehicles and businesspeople who create the maze she conquers every day. Her Midwest pride and confidence shows in her work:

''When you see me swerving and ducking, it's got nothing to do with being fancy or showing off,'' she said. ''I’m the fastest there is and a lot nicer than those ‘joes’ in Manhattan.''

Now speaking of those Manhattan "Joes", illustrator Kurt McRobert has just released his take on New York City bicyclists. In it, he showcases twelve two-wheeled creatures you are bound to see if walk a block in any Big Apple direction. Enjoy!

Going Retro

Orange may be the new black and 50 may be the new 30, but the new rage is anything retro.

Paris-based art director David Redon took a page from Disney Imagineering, letting his mind (and apparently PhotoShop) wander into the print media world inserting some of the best-known performing artists of the last dozen or so years into classic magazine ads of the fifties and sixties. What a stir I could have created with these celebrity endorsements.

A Whale of An Opera

Some of the greatest characters in history were all wrapped up in their obsession with whales. Ahab chased one. Jonah was swallowed by one. Pinocchio lit a fire inside one to escape. Nowadays, millions of people worldwide congregate on shore or hop on a boat just to see one.

Bird-watching aside, the Middle East is not particularly known for its wildlife, so an invitation to join an Omani whale watching expedition filled me with more curiosity than anticipation.

Available in The Media Guy's Getty Images Media Collection

We sat eagerly, meandering through the deep, calm Arabian Sea. Gentle waves meeting the sides of our boat made the only sounds the warm day provided. Anticipation for the performance to begin was unusually high. The world’s largest sopranos, obscured in the dark shadows of the sea, are masters at making their audience feel suspense. At the height of tension, a deep sudden chord resonates mournfully through the water. Below us, the opera of the humpback whale has commenced.

Graceful and magnificent, humpback whales inspire awe in young and old alike. These gentle giants are celebrated for their singing abilities, belting out seductive ballads to attract mates or to challenge other would-be suitors.

But they also have other talents. Their distinctive hunting skill, called bubble net feeding, involves a cluster of humpbacks working together to capture schools of herring. Each whale has a particular role in the process: one whale swims in a circle while blowing bubbles under a school of herring. When the bubbles rise, the school of herring cannot escape, and they form into a tight ball in the center. Other whales vocalize—groaning or screaming—to scare the herring to the surface, and that’s when the whales then climb with their mouths wide open to swallow the fish.

We’re spending the day on a traditional 93-foot sailing dhow (boat) that is reminiscent of those that once carried sailors and spices across the Indian Ocean. With two masts shaped from massive tree trunks, sails that hang from long curved booms, and high teak sides, the dhow makes for a smart and stylish vessel from which to observe the action. Today’s concert is mesmerizing, with few of us speaking and all of us leaning over the side of the dhow.

Just like some of those star-studded Arabian Nights concerts in Las Vegas, the whales’ songs last up to thirty minutes with the embellishments you expect from master jazz musicians, who use late nights to improvise their way to genius.

Our tour guide is Badr Al Qadr, a rugged, seasoned fisherman, who is the best-kept secret in the region. “Humpbacks have a unique sound that differs from other whaling populations,” he explains. “Only the males sing, so we know there’s a larger male down there. It’s breeding season, so most likely they are looking for mates rather than looking for food.

“Singing establishes a hierarchy among male humpbacks,” he continues. “Singing breaks out among migrating whales as they start to mix and continues not just in their breeding grounds, but to attract mates even during the feeding season.”

The five Al Hallaniyah islands, aka the Kuria Murias, are remotely located in the Arabian Seas and are only rarely visited due to often rough waters. Their seclusion helped make them an asylum for wildlife including dolphins, masked boobies, turtles and our operatic humpbacks.

It must be intermission because the singing has given way to dancing as the whales perform a few classic moves: puffs of wet air spouting 10-15 feet from their blowholes; fluking—when their powerful split tails rise from the water in preparation for a dive; spy hopping—when a whale pops its head above water for a quick look; and breaching—when they launch their entire bodies out of the water for a dramatic but lumbering belly flop.

As if on cue, the acrobatics end and the concert renews with highly structured songs that include multiple themes that are repeated and even seem to rhyme. Soon, I’ll return to Oman’s bustling capital of Muscat, but today we’re alone with the creatures that inhabit the deep blue waters, enjoying a whale of a time at this opera.

This article originally appeared in ALO magazine. Full coverage can be read here.