Dissed By a Screen Legend...

Feeling like a Neanderthal today. 

Okay so where am I?

Current mood says I am lost in my own mind. I'm in a bit of a funk with this Clio Awards shortlist announcement staring me in my face. Scroll down. Scroll up. Scroll sideways. Nothing but the giants of advertising there. Not a Media Guy campaign to be found. My single entry was not selected.

Ugh.

I imagine this is what Angelina Jolie felt like in early 2015 when the Academy Awards were announced and she wasn't nominated for Unbroken. I guess it would be easy to flick this away attributing the slight to the old adage that David loses to Goliath 99% of the time. I mean look at who was nominated:

      -Barbie
      -Burger King
      -Getty Images
      -Heineken
      -Kraft Heinz
      -Netflix / House of Cards
      -UNICEF
      -Wrigley, a Subsidiary of Mars, Incorporated

There are others on the shortlist too. Shoot, even the smaller names are big names in the real world. 

"Wait till next year!" was the rallying cry...mine too.

I spent two days telling myself in true loser rationalization, "Wait till next year!" In the 1940s and '50s, the Brooklyn Dodgers (no David by any means) could never win it all Most often they would lose to their cross-town rivals, the hated Giants or the hated Yankees. The rallying cry was "Wait till next year!" Then in 1955, it was next year. The Brooklyn Dodgers finally won it all. Then they broke the hearts of Brooklynites and moved their beloved team to Los Angeles. Yet, I digress...

It's been a really great month I have to say. My Media Guy Struggles pilot is getting noticed and all, but it doesn't hide the fact that my bid to win my first Clio since 1999 was snuffed out. Denied. A stomach punch of sorts. Happy hour starts early today, I suppose.

So here it is, #ThrowbackThursday, and all of this reminded me of the time when a screen legend dissed me in the wildest way possible...

...The announcement took me back to those regular Secret Life of Walter Mitty moments to that time I was at a cocktail party with King Kong and I’m telling him about how much I loved his work on top

Being dissed by King Kong was a stomach punch.

of the Empire State Building and the Twin Towers and asking how he feels about working with leading ladies Fay Wray, Jessica Lange and Naomi Watts. And I'm waiting for his answer and he's giving me this growling stare but finally he breaks the silence and says, "I like them as long as they are blonde, but what you should have asked is if I thought Peter Jackson brought his A-game or not to the last movie and if he could gotten more out of my performance." And I instantly start perspiring and going back into the dark place in my mind wondering how I could've screwed up meeting a screen legend on the scale of Kong himself and after what seems like a lifetime he bursts into laughter and says, "Relax, I’m screwing with your simple homo sapiens mind." And I start laughing as well. Louder and louder, like I never laughed before - in part out of pure relief - and both of us wind up giggling like schoolgirls for what feels like a solid ten minutes. Finally after we catch our breath he says to me, "Why don't we go raid the bar in the misses private room and you show me what you can do with that opposable thumb." And I'm like, "You're still messing with me, right?" And he's like, "I'm serious as planes shooting monkeys from the sky." So I kind of wring my hands a bit and tell him, "Kong, I'm not really comfortable with..." Then he goes stone cold, staring off into the distance, and says, "You tell anyone about this and not a single effing soul will believe you." And without making eye contact he spits his jawbreaker into my drink and walks away. And I'm all, "Holy crap! King Kong sucks on jawbreakers?"

Well...all that's left to say is, of course, "wait till next year!"

-----

Who did is better? You Decide...

Kong and Fay Wray:



Kong and Jessica Lange:



Kong and Naomi Watts:

Emirates Airlines has Jumped the Shark

Full disclosure.

It pains me to do this critique. I've flown Emirates Airlines many times and love their business class services and economy class entertainment. But really, their print advertising has crossed over and jumped the shark.

Mary Wells, architect of the Braniff “End of the Plain Plane" ad campaign, is certainly sitting in her French villa chuckling over these ads. (Well, at least I would be...)

Ever since Braniff shocked the airline industry when Wells introduced the new International image for the airlines, the ad industry has been trying to match that impact.

For many of you reading who don't know the story, Braniff introduced a new multi-colored fleet with technicolor cabins and exteriors in 1965. The campaign extended all the way to uniforms with stewardesses (that's what they were called back then - hey, don't shoot the messenger!) performing their notorious “AirStrip" where they would actually take layers of their uniform off as the flight progressed. Wells was pretty awesome. A "mad woman" of sorts. A genius that created the "Plop-plop-fizz-fizz," "I Love New York," and "Flic My Bic" campaigns. She set the standard for advertising innovation. In her book, A Big Life In Advertising, Wells detailed how this campaign was literally rescued from the circular file when desperation struck for that big idea.

The AirStrip? Yes, that's real.

The trash bin leads to an interesting transition to the Emirates "Hello Tomorrow" campaign courtesy of StrawberryFrog and Scott Goodson, the agency's creative genius.

Full disclosure once again. Who the #*%$ am I to critique these ads? StrawberryFrog has like a kajillion dollars in ad revenues. I'm just your run-of-the-mill Media Guy with an armful of shiny trophies and some great bar stories to show from my career (well, maybe more).

When Goodson was asked how he came with the campaign he said, "A great set of words – like Hello Tomorrow – point to an interesting dichotomy, which leads to dynamic advertising and game-changing ideas. The campaign needed to go way beyond conventional airline advertising. It needed to rally thousands of employees in the worlds fastest growing companies, make a statement about the future that would be heard by global travelers."

Hmmmmmm...game-changing ideas...

Let's jump into some of the ads and see what's game-changing and what's not.

"Meet the flavours of the world" ad

REACTION: WTF? Did the copywriters have a diversity checklist?:

"Yeah, uh Bob, do we have hipster guy with a knit cap?"
"Yep, check!"
"A woman who looks equally part Latina and part black?"
"Yep, check!"
"An Asian woman?"
"Yep, check!"
"An Irish/Caucasian-looking redheaded woman?"
"Yep, check!"
"A German woman?"
"Yep, check!"
"A very African woman?"
"Yep, all set!"

C'mon...I thought the days of no-two-people-of-the-same-race-can-be-in-an-ad-together were gone! What about that great no-aisle, six across seating plan they have working here? I bet that even said "we can sound extra international and intelligent if we spell 'flavor' the English way and add the 'u.' Yeah that's a great idea.

"Dream big in Business Class" ad

REACTION: Bed head or electrocution? Seriously? And who wears green sweats with a yellow cardigan and a burgundy blouse in business class anymore? What a nightmare.

"Dance to the rhythm of the waves" ad

REACTION: I don't believe the two women in the ad are even dancing. I can only assume that they are channeling their inner OutKast and were caught throwing "their arms in the air and waving them like they just don't care." But honestly, I don't need to go clubbing in Dubai when the LA and Vegas clubs do the trick nicely. As a matter of fact, wouldn't anything in Dubai -- the indoor skiing, the Burj Al Arab, or even the Gold Souk -- be something you want to do over clubbing? All of this begs the question: were either of these women even in motion?

"Find your work-life groove" ad

REACTION: Look, I don't mean to keep pooping on their ads, but what in the living hell just happened to the first class cabin? Everything Emirates Airlines shows seems to be this exercise in avant-garde misrepresentation. On who's authority was this guy allowed to get hammered on premium bourbon and then whip out his saxophone to jam Charlie Parker style? So if this isn't even remotely going to happen then why is it in the ad? If you were suffering in economy, how long would it take you to steal a bottle of wine from the beverage cart and beat that instrument into a pile of brass?

"Remix business with pleasure" ad

REACTION: I certainly hope all of this remixing isn't happening during take-off or landing? And, did this intrepid DJ purchase an extra $5500 business class ticket just to do an emergency mix for a wedding in the U.A.E.? However you slice it, it's a assault on the poor schlub in economy (again)...like coach-bound Renee Zellweger told her son in Jerry Maguire, "First class, that’s what’s wrong. It used to be a better meal, now it’s a better life.” Yeah you had me at Hello Tomorrow.

"Tomorrow brings us all closer" ad

REACTION: Why is it that the caucasian is sheltering the Indian woman from the rain and not the other way around? And, the guy in the left in the foreground is covering his head with a newspaper. I mean who reads a newspaper anymore? Why is it that only two out of the seven people in this ad had an umbrella? Was it a flash storm? A gift from the heavens to alleviate draught? I don't know about you, but the last five hotels I stayed at had a complimentary umbrella to use during my stay. The only thing game changing about this ad is the pantheon level of absurdity it delivers.

"Travel at your own tempo" ad

REACTION: Do you really think the woman to the left of this poor man's Hugh Hefner in the smoking jacket is going to be all smiles asking him why he chose chicken cordon bleu over the filet mignon. No, Rico Suave...she's going to ask the flight attendant to move her away. 

The Table Read

"Paint the wall red and I'll see if I like it..." 

So starts the long journey of getting the Media Guy Struggles green lit as a pilot or even a bona fide television show.

Okay, so where am I?

The table reading is kind of like painting the wall red and seeing if the powers to be like it. The actors and actresses have to put on a fabulous show for my would-be Japanese producers. The producers were so enthusiastic about the prospects of a Media Guy Struggles television show that they financed a day-long event with out-of-work actors looking for pocket change and a shot to add a pilot to their IMDB profiles.

So what's the Media Guy Struggles about, you ask? What was the tasty pitch that whetted the appetite of Far East producersenough to put together a full cast to hear a table read?

(Hmmmmmm...I hesitate to put this online for anyone to take as muse, but since it's registered with the Writer's Guild of America (WGA Registration Number: 1489628), I feel safe that there is a measure of recourse to force intellectual thieves to put me on a show as an Executive Producer at the very least.)

Well...

The Media Guy Struggles can best be described as Mad Men meets The Office with a touch of Ballers mixed in. Being the Media Guy isn’t easy for (loosely) fictional Alex Logan, aged 42, Vice President of Media (aka The Media Guy) at the (loosely) fictional Larger Than Life advertising agency. As the Media Guy struggles to balance office politics and the new conflicts of social media vs. traditional media, he’s haunted that after 25 years of traveling the globe as a premium ad man, the landscape is changing. 

With a skeptical eye and a 10,000-foot perspective on the world, Logan believes he has all of the answers for all things media and advertising related—and he usually does with the help of his faithful associates and his best friend. With the respect of the office and their off-beat client base, what could possibly go sideways for the Media Guy? Things get nervous, and hilarious, when hits the road in this unfiltered, self-analyzing look at advertising along with the media and the madcap workforce that drives it. 

With three degrees, 20 years on the job and witty personality, the Media Guy has life at the agency wired. That is until life’s minutiae gets in the way. Things like Arrogant Bob from accounting’s per diem denial, the dreaded networking event, running into old crushes, contemplating new secret identities, channeling Jane Goodall's Tanzanian monkeys, the battle to compartmentalize life’s segments, the socialistic traumas of the group brainstorming session…and above all his search for great stories to tell.

The scene than got the biggest boost went something like this:

INT. LARGER THAN LIFE – RECEPTION
The curvaceous MORGAN sachets down the hallway, leading clients to their respective account executives. Along the way, MIYA can be seen wiggling into a designer dress flaunting her obvious assets in the wardrobe room and the MEDIA GUY is polishing a flamethrower in his adjacent office.

MEDIA GUY

With Peter’s retirement looming, we have to get

him something special. Something that a VP ready

to ascend to his well-deserved throne would give

the outgoing monarch.

ALLISON

You want me to think of something snappy to 

put on his card?

MEDIA GUY

No. I want to get him the one thing he doesn’t

have. I saw his eyes light up during Band of

Brothers, whenever the flamethrower made it’s

appearance. The gift will send him on his way in

the proverbial “Blaze of Glory”.

ALLISON

You’re nuts. Why a flamethrower? Who’d invent such

a thing?

MEDIA GUY

C’mon, Peter has all the latest gadgets. Can’t you

see him playing dress up in leisure years?

MIYA

(interrupting)

You know, flame throwing devices date back to the

Byzantine era. The modern version came from

Germany. It’s translated from the German word

Flammenwerfer and was invented by Richard Fiedler

at the turn of the 20th century. It projected a

jet of fire and enormous clouds of smoke twenty

yards long, the way Peter does when he’s upset.

MEDIA GUY

Miya, you may want to lay off the Wiki. You’re

starting to scare me. Your boyfriend must long to

say, “less Wiki, more licky.”

There were tears, laughter, and heated moments emitting from the words on my pilot script. At the conclusion of the table read there was a energetic applause from the seated cast. The applause seemed to come not from a place of "Yeah!" but "Wow, this Media Guy stuff might actually have some legs."

Now the hard part: the waiting game.

Here's to hoping for that green light, whether it be tomorrow, next week, or next year.

-----

Want to see what a table read is like? Watch the Family Guy table read from the "Jedi" episode:

For Your Consideration...

Okay, so where am I?

Not everyone can look like this in a rented Vera Wang tux. #LifeGoals

Now that the Emmy Award nominations have been announced I've gone underground for a few days, escaping Los Angeles, ever so briefly. I mean, really, how many Emmy consideration billboards for obscure shows on networks I’ve never even heard of can I handle in one drive down Sunset Boulevard? I have a sneaking suspicion that more people will see the billboards than the actual shows.

I'm sure you're sitting there saying, "Surely you exaggerate. How many billboards could drive you from the palm tree lined greatness that only Hollywood can deliver?" Let me tell you, there are a ton. I counted 37 on my 5.9 mile drive from one part of the city to another. Thirty-seven! 

(See them all in the For Your Consideration gallery below!)

I used to buy billboards and outdoor media every summer when I worked for the giant swimming pool supplies conglomerate. Gotta sell those outdoor pools, right? I poured over thick stacks of data to buy just the right billboard, at just the right stretch of land, at just the right point near each store. I had to stretch every dollar because there isn't much margin on a bucket of chlorine tablets. I found myself growing more and more jealous of those media buyers at AMC, Hulu, Netflix and F/X with their seemingly endless budgets, clawing over each other to grab as many billboards as possible. No strategy, just spend, spend, spend.

With an average per billboard cost around $11,000 a month in Hollywood and Los Angeles' Westside, that's over $800,000 spent on outdoor advertising in May and June. Factor in printing costs (upwards of $2,500 per) and we are closing in on some serious cabbage spent on just the advertising I saw on my short drive that took well over an hour to cover.

Sheesh! An hour to go six miles. What a life! Yet I digress...

The $4 Million Emmy Care Package

Emmy campaigning has become a cottage industry. Once the Oscars are handed out, publicists kick into high gear, vying for key roundtables, spurring ad buys and getting screeners in the right hands. The competition is fierce with more than 400 scripted series on the air and over 100 programmers across cable, broadcast TV, and streaming services. That's a lot and remember there are just seven comedy and drama series slots. And that’s not even counting the acting, reality, movie and limited series races.


What's the cost for a campaign? A small Emmy push will cost you upwards of one million dollars and big campaigns can easily cost over ten times that. But buying billboards won't do the trick. Insiders will tell you that you have to do something disruptive. And huge.

Weighing in over 20 pounds with more than 25 original series included!

Netflix took that disruptive advice to heart. The mail-order/streaming service sent out their pre-Emmy care packages to film and TV critics. This isn't your average package. The care package includes physical copies of every episode comprising the over 25 original series and features eligible for this year’s Emmy Awards. It’s a humongous, 20-pound, four-box set. The cost? $4 million dollars.

Holy geez! But well worth it. The company amassed a record 54 nominations. That's only $74,074 per nom. That's not too bad, is it?

Adding to the cost is that every mailer has to be sent through the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences’s internal shipping service. The cost there is around $1,750 per episode.

All this adds up to some serious dough. However, I'm worries about the $275 Vera Wang tux and shoe rentals for the red carpet photo shoot on September 16th. I'll be there but still waiting for a chance to earn a Primetime Award to go with my Daytime win.

GALLERY
For Your Consideration...the 2016 Emmy Billboards.