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Friday, October 14, 2011

Love Notes from the Abyss

My cape needed cleaning so I stopped by the mailbox. There it was, the dinosaur of communications: a hand-written note. Yes snail mail, not an e-mail or a text--an enigmatic scribble that has spun my mind in a million directions.

Hey, Mo-Mo.
Remember when I came up with that nickname for you? Oh, I do, believe me it was a pretty hilarious moment on set. So I saw you in Downtown today, but (and I guess this is probably as weird for you as it is for me) you didn't say "hello." I know, I know, you were in a hurry, and that peculiar clammy hobo with the mullet was like, "hey, you, let's hug it out, cuz I hear you're cool with mullet guy." I could totally see how taken aback you were when he moved in for the hug. I remarked how nice of you to give him some greenbacks and your Twitter address. No one ever pointed the finger at you to say you didn't go the extra mile to make people feel at ease.
Really, I was just hoping you'd recognize me from those wild Vegas nights where you protected me from the sins of the city. I was hoping the next time we happen to bump into each other at some hip night spot in the city, you'd be like, "Oh, snap. Is that her?" Yeah, but I guess you didn't see me, cause you had a white-guy mullet slopped across your line of sight. But even if you didn't see me, I was surprised you didn't hear me run into that hot-dog cart trying to track you down. Don't worry, I'm fine. My hand got a bit steamed from the bun warmer, but whatevah. Maybe you could come by before you swing out East Coast style, you know, rub some aloe or something on the burn. No need to bring your own. I've got a plant.
Alright, boyfriend, just so you know, when you're back in Manhattan, holla at your girl, you know. But if you can't make it to the city, that's cool too. We still might get to me!
Love, Loco-motion

As I searched my database wondering who might have penned this note, I wondered aloud where the term 'snap' came from. I hear it a lot lately. Did it come from Legally Blonde or one of those Barbershop/Beauty Shop movies? I'm sure you have heard it too; an expression along the lines of "Oh SNAP! THAT'S OFF THE FREAKING HOOK! Can you please put it back on the hook? It may lose its battery power, and I charged it for hours. Thank you."

All of these new acronyms, phrases and what-not create a definite issue when writing ad copy and commercials. Who can you reach and how to reach them reminds me of that Orbitz commercial where they lined up all of those phrases into one tight little 30-second spot. Here are some of the greatest ones I've heard lately:

o       Keep f***ing that chicken (KFTC) - a phrase coined by Fox New York television anchor as a phrase of encouragement similar to keep on truckin'... KFTC is a gesture of support to the recipient to continue doing whatever it is that they're doing, despite what others may say, so long as it makes them happy.

o       Husband Chair - the chair in the women's section of a department store where a guy waits it out while his wife/girlfriend tries on forty different dresses and blouses.

o       Cobra Yawn - often seen at networking events where there's a lot of involuntary spraying of saliva while yawning, similar to the venom spray from a cobra.

There’s the dilemma. What to work in, because after all, once you’ve developed your story and pitch it to the client, you can’t just change midstream if you get the computer-face. You know that squint/frown you make when you look at your computer to give the illusion that you are very busy analyzing something vital to your work. If you do ever get stuck when they look confused, arrogantly explain what your word or phrase means with a look that says "'ve never heard that before? What rock do you live under?" Your confidence in using your term is paramount to making it catch on. People are sheep. If they think everyone else says it, they'll say it too.

Now…time to find out who Loco-motion is…

Liv Tyler - possible author of the hand-written note.
Another candidate of the 'note of enigma' is Yasmine Bleeth.
Ivanka Trump also surfaced as a person of interest who may have penned the snail mail note.