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Saturday, October 11, 2014

The Queen of Shade

A couple of years ago, I wrote about the critical points of being a handler for celebrities on the red carpet. What I didn't tell you about was what to do when your celebrity becomes red carpet hog. Remember the old adage: "Pigs get fed and hogs get slaughtered"...well, that's exactly what happened to Lea Michele.

Okay, so where am I?

AHS co-stars Paulson and Roberts
At the Los Angeles premiere of American Horror Story. The red carpet was buzzing with the normal magpies (aka paparazzi) imploring celebs to look their way and pose a certain way. Usually each quasi-star, celeb or show exec takes their 90-second allotment, preening and twirling so the print folks can get their snaps off and then they move on to the television media for sound bite moments.

So while the likes of Angela Bassett, Sarah Paulson, Evan Peters, Emma Roberts and Gabourey Sidibe humbly (did I just use "humbly" and "red carpet" in the same story?) took their recommended time, Lea Michele decided to drop anchor, lapping up the faux raise of the boys with the cameras.

And just on cue (according to the veteran stalker, er, cameraman next to me) she did what she always does: She nearly fractured her neck, L4 and L5 lumbars like a "Dance Moms" concert audition contestant while on Quaaludes and Uppers. I mean for goodness sakes, she's doesn't even have a sniff from IMDB for this show and she was still posing like Jane Lynch is calling our her praises on her beloved megaphone.

With a bolt of thunder and lightning, like only the Queen of Shade can deliver, Jessica Lange delivered the ultimate red carpet diss.

You should know this fact: if there’s one thing Jessica Lange doesn’t have time for, it’s everything. But if there’s one thing Jessica Lange REALLY doesn’t have time for, it’s some bugglegum faux star trying to cop a little golden shine from her Emmy statue while doing a seven-minute sexy pose marathon on HER red carpet.

So while backing up the red carpet like rush hour on the 405 freeway and posing for her life ala Arnold Schwarzenegger in Pumping Iron, Lea absorbs a glimpse of the real star out of the corner of her eye. Her eyes light up like you and I do when the Pizza Hut guy pulls up after 55 minutes as Queen Jess of Shade power strolls toward her.

Now, quick aside...In Lea’s flashbulb drenched mind, now obviously dulled by seven minutes of eye piercing strobelights, she believe that Jess is going to stop dead in her tracks when she realizes that Princss Lea is there, embrace her Oscars style, drop to her knees and proclaim her love of song and ask her to perform a ravishing acappella ditty. We all knew that Lea would happily sing for Queen Jess and then with the paparazzi's continually urging, the red carpet turns into a Lea Michele Benefit Concert. 

And that's exactly what happened...except just the opposite, Let's go to the tape...(for extra fun, skip past the pose fest to the 1:04 mark to watch the Queen of Shade in action)...

Pull up that anchor bitches, your current Emmy winner is coming through...
INITIAL REACTION: Lea’s Priya Ali bronzer instantly turned pasty white from all that shade Queen Jess threw at her. However, this is more than shade could ever hope to be. This right here at the 1:04 mark is the greatest diss in the history of red carpet.

MEDIA GUY REACTION: Lea Michele needs a someone with some gumption [read: HUEVOS], to give her their own brand of shade on the red carpet, because when the celeb backup begins, the bitchy heat rises like the July sand in Qatar. Really, there's no such thing as bad press (well, there is), but that last hing you want your client being know as the actress who was honored to be snubbed by Jessica Lange.
Red carpet looks: Lange (l) and AHS Alum Angela Bassett (r)
Lea was on the red carpet so long that even Darren Criss photobombed her!
Oh Jane...jeans AND no megaphone?!