Travel Companions

Ok.

The Media Guy has always hated two things about press junkets:

1. Assembling press kits (yes, we still use paper kits because the media reads on paper and takes copy points from the flash drive) and,
2. Packing a suitcase (I roll with a 22” Hartmann beauty and it can still be a struggle.)

I mean, don’t we all want to look like George Clooney and his perfect travel companion (ok, second favorite because Vera Farmiga would be MY favorite) wheeling around the airport in perfect harmony.

But, what about getting to the hotel and realizing you forgot your favorite pair of shoes at the house or even getting to the baggage claim and finding out the airline lost your bag?

It can be a schlep traveling from point A to point B, but there are tricks to packing the perfect amount. So who better to turn to that Emmy Award-winning stylist David Zyla? The author of The Color of Style, has dressed names including Tom Hanks, Hillary Clinton, Neil Patrick Harris, Carol Burnett, and many more.

MEDIA GUY: How many suitcases do we need?

DAVID ZYLA: Three

Zyla packs with style.

MG: What type of suit case will we need?

DZ: Depending on the amount of travel you do and the length of your trips, it seems that most people are set for any length trip by owning a large suitcase that can be checked, a carry-on with rollers and a durable garment bag. This way, depending on your trip, you have options of different combinations of the three.

MG: What do I pack?

DZ: On a shorter trip, base your packing on a single neutral color (Base) such as navy, charcoal, aubergine or brown and a color that pops your eyes (Energy Color), such as marigold, rust or violet. I suggest using the neutral for items like pants, a jacket and a coat. Then use the "color" for items such as a sweater, shirt or scarf. For a longer trip, add a second complimentary color to this mix in shirts, sweaters and accessories, but keep all of the basic items in a single neutral. This helps to avoid over packing.

MG: How do I pack?

DZ: Pack your suitcase in flat layers, filling each one before building it higher. If packing a soft side suitcase, utilize the crevices between the metal supports by filling them with smaller items such as underwear and socks.

MG: Are you going to laugh at my red suitcase?

DZ: If red is a color that you love wearing, then you should use it in your accessories, including your suitcase. A suitcase is utilitarian, so why not infuse some fun into it with a color that you love?

MG: Does having unique identifier really make a difference?

DZ: If your suitcase is black, which a majority are, absolutely tag it in a unique way. A colored luggage tag is great for this. I was just at the airport when an announcement was made, asking that the person on the LA flight who "took the black bag... please check the luggage tag." Everyone in the baggage claim area burst into laughter as we saw black bag after black bag tripping down the conveyor belt.

Everyone needs a "Clooney" or "Farmiga" to go with their perfectly packed suitcase!

MGS Chat: Ray Lewis

Ray Lewis, the 37-year-old Baltimore Ravens linebacker plans to retire after the season, but before his own clash of the titans with New England in the AFC championship game he had a few minutes for the Media Guy…

MEDIA GUY: What do you most remembered for at the end of his career?

RAY LEWIS: I think the greatest thing you can ever be remembered for is the impact and things that you had on other people. At the end of the day, with all of the men that I’ve been around, to one day look back here and listen to men say, ‘He was one of people who helped changed my life,’ is probably one of the greatest legacies to be remembered for.”

(AP Photo/Patrick Semansky) AP2013

MG: How special has this Ravens team been this year?

RL: With everything that we went through, the up and down roller coaster all year, the injuries and things we went through … We dealt with so much the entire year. For us to fight, fight, fight, fight and now be back here with the same opportunity … We were here last year in the same position. We were a catch away, a field goal away from going to the Super Bowl. For us to be back here shows how dedicated we were to get back to this point. I just tip my hat and give credit to my team. No matter what we went through this year, we fought to get back here.”

MG: NFL offenses are pushing the envelope more now, what is the challenge to be a dominating defense in this era of the NFL:?

RL: We have to be very honest about it. It favors [the offense]. It favors the offense with the rules and all of the different things that are put in now. Defensively, you can’t touch them here, you can’t hit them high, you can’t hit them low. It kind of favors them to pick up the pace and try to … I call it steal yardage throughout the game. That’s what kind of makes it hard. Even if you are on defense and make the perfect hit, you get flagged 15 yards here, because the pace is so fast, we have to kind of slow the pace down and line up. If you watched the [Houston vs. New England game], [the Patriots] were able to get people out of alignment, people were standing around on the goal line, which is supposed to be the hardest place to score. But it was the easiest place for [the Patriots] because [the Texans] weren’t getting lined up and things. I think it’s kind of give and take.

MG: What the difference in defense from the beginning of your career to the end?

RL: Absolutely. Earlier in my career, honestly, you just didn’t have so many rules. There are so many rules that are put in now, and of course, I’m a biased [defensive player]. There are so many rules that are put in now for the offense. So, it helps them. It favors them a lot. Why wouldn’t they do it? You throw the ball downfield and there is favorable pass interference, you hurry up and get 12 men on the field. There are so many things that favor [the offense] and it’s changed so much from earlier in my career to now.”

MG: What’s the differences between playing Peyton Manning and Tom Brady?

RL: You’re talking about arguably the top two or three greatest quarterbacks of all time. So when you go from Peyton Manning to Tom Brady, you’re going from 1A to 1A. It’s not like you get a drop-off. I’d back up to the same fact we had last week. Is he going to make plays? Absolutely. But you have to play the whole game. You have to be patient enough to let them make plays and move on to the next play. You can’t harp on one play good or bad. You have to keep on moving. These are guys, and I always said, they play chess matches. That’s the thing that you have to be prepared to play when you get ready to play these guys, because they understand the game so well. Playing against Brady and just watching him sometimes, you’re always in awe on watching on how good he really is.

MG: What will you miss the most when you end your career?

RL: I think the brotherhood. There is nothing greater than the brotherhood. It’s what I kind of preach in my locker room. I understand we’re in an age where social media is kind of taking over, but I kind of try to get my guys to really understand how close your locker room has to be. And when you come into the locker room, understand who your brothers are. Understand who the men are that you are fighting with. Because, that’s the thing you’ll remember the most. The wars and battles, they are going to always take care of themselves, and that’s competition and most of us have been in that our entire lives. But what we will always remember the most are those locker rooms. What they felt like and the commitment and sacrifices you guys made – that’s the thing that when you are done with the game, you will definitely miss what those locker rooms felt like.

MG: What is the most extraordinary moment of your football career?

RL: You always have to ask yourself, ‘How can you top the moment of hearing those famous words?’ And that is, ‘Ravens have won the Super Bowl.’ When you play the game, that is what you play the game for. You play and hope that one day you hear those words. That is what I am trying to get this team to go back and hear one more time. So they can really feel what it feels like. Because once you hear it, like I tell all of them, your life will never be the same again. That is what I am trying to get these young guys to understand – don’t let the moments go by so fast. Cherish the moment. And that for me, when you sum up my career, that can never be taken away from you. Once you are a champion, you are always a champion, and that is probably one of the greatest things I will remember of all time.

Valentine's Day Can Ruin You...

Geez! Valentine’s day is less than a month away and you know what that means, right?

Yep, the office is going to be a mess. Cupid’s arrow hits the mark and people go la-la. Cupid misses and depression sets in. For some in the Media Guy’s office, it could take months before the wounds heal. Passing by a Hallmark store could be challenging and a simple rose bush sighting could cause nausea.

Take the plight of Camille from Graphics…

"It starts three days before; this jittery, anxious sensation. Then on the twelve, the calendar calls to me like that little girl in the “Mama”movie. There’s no hiding it, V-Day only hours away. Will this be the third year in row that Bob from Accounting misses my obvious flirtations and doesn't send flower, or a card or even think to ask me to a movie? Why do I need to be validated? Why does this silly day set the course of love for the next eleven point five months? Watching all the FTD deliveries endless arrive is like how I felt after my fourth tequila at the Christmas party. I feel the fool”

...Or how about Jim from the Production Department?...

"Finding love in the office is nothing short of needing a morphine-drip to end the pain of searching. You just hit rock bottom. Isn't there a 12-step program for this insanity?

You can’t imagine how desperate I am to avoid this love nonsense here. I mean, really…we have campaigns to launch, commercials to make and yoga classes to get to at 7:00 P.M. on Tuesdays and Thursdays. What to do?

Well, the Media Guy wasn’t born yesterday. I got in touch with relationship expert Ernest Quansah. Fear, stubbornness, ignorance, procrastination, resignation – for singles or couples longing for love, these are among the deadly sins, he points out. “These are the psychological traits which singles and many couples use as excuses,” says Quansah, who is also the author of Do’s and Don’ts of Relationships.

“I hear it all the time; singles or married couples say they’re not rich enough, or they need to lose weight, or they just don’t think they’ll find what they want. But I say nothing is perfect, and if you think that you’ll only be good enough when you’ve lost five pounds, or have a nice car or a bigger house, then you will never be ‘good enough.’”

Quansah found that all respondents in his recent survey reported that they still believe in lasting love, and if there was a way to learn to find true love, they would try it. Singles are looking for relationship success as much as committed or married couples, he says.

While self-improvement is important, singles and couples should not use excuses to put off what could be a meaningful, lasting relationship says Quansah, who takes a holistic approach to relationships. 

Just as people need a plan in order to give themselves a chance with other New Year’s resolutions, such as weight loss or a career move, so too is the case with finding  permanent love. Quansah says singles and couples need to answer six questions while pursuing love and true happiness:

• What is my goal? For each question, jot down what you are really looking for. Are you looking for a lifelong partner, just a date on Valentine’s Day, or for your marriage to work? Many “serial daters” and “twice married men and women” claim they want the real thing; however, often their behavior indicates the opposite. Singles and couples must be honest with what is in their hearts, Quansah declares.
• What am I doing to achieve my goal? Striking a balance is important. Doing too much, like spending a lot of money on a new look or being too negative, can be relationship killers because they are not permanent solutions and this makes achieving your goal difficult. If you’re act like yourself, you’ll be more comfortable and self-confident – and those are attractive qualities! Remember who you are and what you love, but don’t be inflexible; love and relationship success are often about compromise. Taking note of what you have and haven’t done, and evaluating the effectiveness of those strategies, are the key to dating, relationship, and marriage success.
• What might prevent me from achieving my goal? Fault finding in potential love interest or in a marriage, for example, can hinder the flow of success. Another obstacle may be placing artificial contingencies on your love connection, like comparing yourself to others, or unintentionally putting too much strain on your marriage. An objective, calm, and rational approach can help you map a course for meeting the man or woman of your dreams and achieving love relationship success.
• What methods have not worked for me? Mistakes are to be expected – nobody’s perfect. But they should only be acceptable as long as you’ve learned something from them. Look back and do a review. If you have approached dating or relationship success in ways that keep failing, it is time to change!
• What methods have worked for me? Everybody has qualities that make them good at some things and not so great in other areas. Focus on your strengths; if you have used methods that brought you success in dating or in your marriage, you should use those methods because they will yield result. But do not be afraid to test the waters with new ideas.
• What will it feel like when I succeed? If you cannot envision the taste of success, you may be less motivated to go the extra mile for true love. Think about how nice it would feel to have meaningful companionship, bring someone home to meet the family, and maybe even start a family of your own. 

So hopefully Jim, Camille and the rest of the Media Guy’s staff has made Quansah their new best friend and we can get that new DirectTV ad out the door in time for the Super Bowl.

They Didn't Make the Cut...

“He who never made a mistake never made a discovery. ” 

I love this quote quite frankly; it says it all. I hope this past weekend, I didn't make a mistake with my forthcoming book.

In the weeks after two wildly lucky winners in Missouri and Arizona divvied up the $600 million Powerball jackpot, I found myself enviously pondering, as I tore up two my December Starbucks allowance, what I would do if I woke up one day with an extra $300 million in the piggy bank. While I was doing that I received this email:

From: maggie, the book editor assistant [mailto:xxxx@xxxxxxxxxxxxx.com]
Sent: Wednesday, January 9, 2013 1:17 PM
To: 'Michael Lloyd'
Subject: RE: Lloyd Book Changes #41

Michael,
Happy New Year! Just hung up with Amazon and we are awaiting Landscapes to go to press. I know we’ve asked for an interminable amount of changes, but we need to shorten the six weeks we gave you to bring it all to final AND we need the new layout by Jan. 25th. Get back to me when you can and, uhm, no pressure,
Maggie

Well, happy new years to you too, Maggie! When you get an email like that, what’s a Media Guy to do? I mean, I was still planning what to do with my first hundred mil... I’m fairly certain that ]I would not have poured it Lakers season tickets or JCPenney stock — my first order of business might have been finding a Westwood apartment with a few bedrooms, and maybe donating ten million or so to charity. But now I just had to get to work. I sequestered myself away from humanity and whacked my 250-page Landscapes of Life tome down to under a hundred pages. Really taking a book like this from 160 photos down to 90 was akin to choosing which of your children you love the most.

The new book cover designed by Anna Aladadyan.

I guess it could have been worse. Take a look at who didn’t make the cut elsewhere:

• 12 proposed U.S. states that didn't make the cut 
• Forbes 400 Drop-offs: Those Who Didn't Make The Cut
• Sorry Jill, you didn't make the cut 

Anyway, I bring this up to honor five of my favorite photos that didn't make the cut for the book. Without further ado…

5. RAZI. When you see images from the Middle East and similar places in Afghanistan and India, women are often depicted as rights deficient thirsty from the parched climate of domineering men whom seek to enslave their every whim: No shoes. Six to 10 children in tow, once always attached to the hip. Each woman with the same "help me" look sewn into her face. Razi, shown here, explores the beauty that multiplies from within. The picture seems to show her emerging from a cocoon ready to embrace the world and have it embrace her back. Her expression emotes innocent confidence and traces of power that we hope will be realized along with her dreams.

4, ABANDONED. Living in the bigger cities typically doesn't give you the access to large areas that lack the residue of human activity. While traveling in Salalah, such a place exists near what would be the equivalent of prime beach real estate in Malibu. These hand-built row of ancient tract homes still stood tall, yet uninhabited as if they were resistant to the atomic bomb that surely must have detonated here. The area begged for answers. Who lived here? How did they live? What would make an entire town move en force?

3. THE LONG MARCH. On my way to Wadi Rum, the desert run where Lawrence of Arabia led the Arab Revolt, I spotted these two Bedouin trekking forward. I love the way they are walking while a truckload of people move past them; two generations of transportation dueling in opposite directions. The questions loom: How long was their trek? Where were they going? How hot were they in their black abayas on a hot desert afternoon?

2. NORIAS OF HAMA. The water wheels of Syria, aka Norias, have been delivering water to Hama for centuries. They also deliver a soul crushing sound that haunts the ears in a way that no other architecture ever has. Take a listen here.

1. THE MAN OF PALMS. By far my favorite picture that, alas, didn't make the cut. The Yemani man in his traditional dress sat in this single spot for hours. He was there when I left to visit an abandoned fort. He was there when I came back for lunch. He was there when I ventured out the next morning. Same position. Same happy-go-lucky look on his leather face. He never seemed to move and was more part of the botanical surroundings than the palms he sat among.

With that bittersweet countdown behind me, I now hand of my book to the acclaimed Los Angeles designer An Na who will turn the images and descriptions that did make the cut into a work of art.

Set Yourself On Fire

As the immortal celluloid mentor Dicky Fox says to Jerry Maguire, “I love the mornings! I clap my hands every morning and say, 'This is gonna be a great day!”, I too, love the morning and the potential it brings. 

The Media Guy had a mentor too once upon a time. He used to tell me: “Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must first set yourself on fire.” When motivation is low, I pull that line out a get the motor running.

When you are trying to get your creative project off the ground, it’s easy to dip into a valley and wallow your days away. It’s difficult to get someone to believe in your projects like you do enough to green light them. With each passing year Andy Warhol’s quote – that everyone will have their 15 minutes of fame – rings truer.

Recently I bumped into Kerstin Karlhuber and Daniel Jay Paul. She’s an award-winning filmmaker and director. Kerstin’s work in the arts has been seen around the world, from off-Broadway to Cannes, the Los Angeles’ Arclight Theater and Good Morning America. She is the founder and director of the film production company Silent Giant Productions based in New York City. He’s a songwriter who recently released “Clean Getaway” on the Sunlight Communication Arts label. His songs have been described by “music you hear with your heart ….” For good measure, he is the author of the novel The Last Sunset. 

Kerstin said that the caveat of the Warhol Theory is that some people get more than 15 minutes, in large part because they actually work at their success. In fact, she calls this the “golden era of self-starters,” because this is an unprecedented time in which creative doers have access to achieving an audience.

“While there are some people who see the rise and fall of their name shortly after a quirky incident on a reality TV show, the more important success stories come from devoted artists who’ve worked their entire adult lives on a dream – and then something clicks,” says Karlhuber, who recently completed her latest project, Tides of the Heart, an avant garde feature-length music video with no dialogue.

With some talent, a vision and that irrepressible itch to do something, amateurs such as Fifty Shades of Grey author E.L. James, or the co-creators of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, initially shot by three non-professionals before the FX channel contracted the show, are changing what and how audiences are receiving entertainment, says Daniel Jay Paul. “Clean Getaway”, not only makes up much of the score for the film, but also structures the plot. “We’re living in a golden era of self-starters when it comes to the arts,” he says.

So how can this work out for you and your project? Karlhuber and Paul discuss three ways those just starting out can kick-start their projects:

• New methods of financing: Sites like IndieGoGo.com are making it easier for self-starters to raise money for a variety of independent projects. It’s a 501c3 non-profit that utilizes a “crowdfunding” platform in which those who seek to raise money can create campaigns to detail their story and get the word out.

• Alternative distribution: A decade ago, it wasn’t easy to get your self-made film out to audiences. If a committee liked your work, then you might get picked up by an indie movie festival, shown at the odd art house theater, Karlhuber says. Now, there are some households that go without cable or satellite, whose inhabitants rely completely on sites like Netflix and Amazon Instant Video, where the Karlhuber-Paul project can be found, for their entertainment. An independent filmmaker can reasonably expect their video to be watched tens of thousands of times, if not much more. Despite these handy advances, utilizing traditional methods is a good idea, says Paul, who is continuing to enter “Tides of the Heart” into film festivals after having won awards in past events. He is expecting more theater screenings in the future, and hardcopies of the film are available.

• Marketing: The old way of advertising – billboards, newspaper space – can still be effective, but no longer necessary. If you’re not utilizing a method for online marketing, including the usual suspects such as Facebook and Twitter, then you’re not doing your job as a passionate artist, Paul says. “Unless you have the means or cash for a professional to handle your PR, then you have to ask yourself a simple question: What good is your project if nobody is exposed to it?” he says.

Light your fire and watch the wave of success roll in.

I Killed Sheherazade

I hope you’ve had a chance to page through a copy of I Killed Scheherazade: Confessions of an Angry Arab Woman (from Lawrence Hill Books available at amazon.com) by award-winning Lebanese journalist Joumana Haddad. Dubbed “the Carrie Bradshaw of Beirut” by the Sunday Telegraph, she’s leading the charge with a spirited call to Arab women to stand up for themselves.

From the upheaval in Tunisia to the rebellions unfolding across Syria, Lebanon and beyond, 2011 and 2012 brought a wave of change to the Middle East, transporting Arab voices and stories across Europe and North America at an unprecedented volume. I Killed Scheherazade establishes Haddad as one of the most powerful female voices emerging from the region. Lifting the veil on the politics of love and sex in the Middle East, asserting that she, and many others like her, are liberated,

Haddad is the first to admit the stories are true—that the region is home to 50 million child brides and that women are punished for being victims of rape. She candidly recalls her own experiences growing up in a Christian household in Beirut discovering social and sexual freedom in a country where it’s forbidden, founding Jasad, the first Arabic, erotic magazine and finding success as a outspoken journalist—a feat that has earned her much acclaim and also death threats. A fascinating and rare insider’s glimpse at what it’s really like to be a modern Arab woman, “I Killed Scheherazade” questions the West’s oft-shocking representation of Arab women as silent, submissive and hopelessly oppressed—a stereotype she notes is often projected by many Arab nations, too.

As the international eye remains transfixed on the region, we asked Haddad three vital questions.

Media Guy: One of the things that stuck me was the line, “Lifting the veil on the politics of love and sex in the Middle East, asserting that she, and many others like her, are liberated.” Tell us a bit about the true differences between “oppressed” and “liberated.”

Haddad: As far as I am concerned, the main difference is the ‘choice’. The ability to choose for yourself what you want to do with your life, what you would like to say and think, and how you wish to act, beyond brainwashing, fear, and futile traditions and chains. That is what makes a person free. This capacity of running your own destiny, being responsible for it, and bearing the consequences of your choices.

MG: Why do you think the West has such a skewed opinion of Middle Eastern Women?

Haddad: One of the main reasons is of course the distorted version that the media carries and promotes. We all know that the press is inclined towards sensationalism and clichés, and bad news are far more ‘selling’ than good news, unfortunately. These stories reinforce the stereotyped image of the Arab woman as a poor victim who has no control over her destiny and needs to be saved. I am not saying that this oppressed Arab woman does not exist. I am merely defending the right of the ‘other’ woman to be seen and heard: the emancipated, strong and educated woman who, even though is a minority, deserves to be visible, because she represents hope for the other one. I believe we should look at each other as individuals instead of groups. This might help. We also need to go beyond the obvious and look for the exception.

MG: You founded Jasad, can you recall the highest of highs there? What about the lowest of lows? Explain these two stories.

Haddad: The lowest of lows is when I started publishing the magazine, and insults and threats started pouring into my inbox on a daily basis. But I decided that I won’t be intimated, and I was expecting resistance anyway. It is not that I am particularly courageous: I am simply a passionate and stubborn human being, who believes in her right to express. As for the highest of highs is a miracle that keeps on happening everyday, with readers from all over the world telling me how much they appreciate this project and how necessary they felt it was. Also, a new high comes up every time I manage to convince a new Arab writer or artist to contribute; especially when these are women. I do not accept pseudonyms or anonymous texts in the magazine, and it is not easy to win new female writers over, because they dread the consequences and the social and religious prejudices.

Photo by Laurent Denimal

Flying the Friendly Skies

Ok. I can admit it. The end of the world freaked me out.

That outdated Mayan calendar threw everything out of whack for the Media Guy.

I mean who didn’t have December 21st circled on their calendar?

Yes, I was afraid. Words no longer flowed freely from my fingertips. Writing was at a standstill. The words simply dried up. I was so afraid that I lost days. I lost the ability to tell the difference between day and night, breakfast and dinner, my head and my arse. I was afraid that I was too old and slow now to outrun the flawed Mayan calendar. But most of all, I was afraid because I already survived one end of the world scared earlier in 2012. I shouldn’t have to deal with this twice in one year. Alas, when the media gets a hold of a story and it moves the needle, they simple choke it to death.

So imagine being on a plane in the twenty-first on a mostly empty transcontinental flight staring deeply into an iPad with virtually no words hashed out. No notes. No thoughts. Just a vacuous space where brilliance is supposed to reside. My publisher awaited chapters and there was nothing in the tank. I t should have been easy to pump out some freshly minted words. I was the only passenger in business class. No distractions. Yet, no brain power either. Then I met Daniela Lewis.

All you need is a good mus to end your writer's block.

Who’s Daniela Lewis you ask? She’s the muse I met on my flight, relieved to be headed home after days and days in the air. She was my flight attendant; easy on the eyes and easier on the mind. She was a warm cup of chicken soup for the soul who inspired me by her dedication to a career that didn’t seem so easy after long conversation. She will forever be my Flight Girl Daniela.

MEDIA GUY: After 16 years flying the friendly skies, you must have seen some crazy things right?

FLIGHT GIRL DANIELA: The craziest thing about the airlines is the competition for these jobs. We have something like a thousand openings a couple of years back and I think 100,000 people applied. Some of the people interviewed were engineers, lawyers and doctors. We only get paid $19,000 to start, Crazy, but true.

MG: But once you’re in, you stay in, right?

FGD: You would think, but that’s not the case. Newbies are on a strict six-month probation period. Some girls have gotten fired for not zipping their uniform all the way up and another got the boot for texting while doors are still open.

MG: I know I’m probably being naïve, but if you’re on the plane, shouldn’t you be in “customer service mode.” [Note: I know you can’t see it, but the quotation marks around customer service mode were sarcastic air quote marks.]

FGD: I want everyone that you can possibly reach to know that: If the doors of the plane are still open, we aren’t getting paid. You know all that time at the gate when we are pouring drinks for business and first class and squeezing your overweight carry-ons in the overhead bins? Well, none of that time magically appears in our paychecks. We might as well be passengers like you, because we are making less than you probably are at that very moment. “Flight hours only is the motto at my airline.” So trust me when I tell you that when you are giving us crap about delays and push back times, we just as upset as you.

MG: So….the Mile High Club. For it or against it?

FGD: You know, it’s not against the law to join the Mile High Club. It is, however, against the law to disobey our in-flight orders. So by all means, if you want some dirty sex in a crammed environment, by all means get your jiggy on. That is, unless we ask you to stop and get back to your seats, because you should get moving if you do. As far as adding members to the club, I don’t care and even the dinosaurs [the old, prude flight attendants from the “stewardess” days] don’t care if you can’t wait to get back to the Airport Holiday Day Inn for a quickie. Who does care is the passenger who just downed a whole can of Diet Coke and is dying to use the restroom. When they complain, we have to be their voice.

MG: Speaking of Diet Coke, I hear that most flight attendants hate serving the stuff. Is that just urban myth?

FGD: Ugh! We do hate it. I can serve up to twenty-five different drinks and D.C. takes forever to pour. At 30,000 feet, the fizz doesn’t settle down. I feel like I have to beg it to go away. Sometimes I just give the can and a cup with ice and let the passenger feel special for getting an entire can. Most times I can pour four drinks of something else before a single pour of D.C. Plus, you shouldn’t drink that stuff any way; I hear it causes cancer.

Are shorter skirts back?

MGD: Why do some flight attendant’s skirts a lot shorter than others?

FGD: Very perceptive Mr. Media Guy! Seniority automatically means a shorter shirt. Why? Because we alter the length of them until our probation is lifts. Most of the younger, athletic model-type flight attendants want to wear as little polyester as possible to as soon as we pass six months, we hit up the dry cleaners to shorten the, and show off our legs.

MGD: I bet it gets frustrating to get hit on after you hem your skirts.

FGD: It is a little bit, but it’s part of the job for waitresses and flight attendants. Remember guys, no means no and you don’t need to make us turn you down more than once. Keep this in mind though: many of the senior flight attendants are cougars in sheep’s clothing. They don’t get hit on as much and are very flattered by flirty advances. than senior flight attendants. That’s the rule and not the exception. This is where the hookups happen.

MGD: Anyone ever die on board a flight?

FGD: No. We’ve had several high maintenance passengers who must have crystal balls because they keep saying they are going to have a stroke or a heart attack if we don’t land soon. But they are fine once we touch down. I was one a flight once before 9/11 where a guy tried to board a flight with a dead relative in a wheelchair.. I’m not kidding here. In full Arnold Schwarzenegger mode, he said she was dead tired. Halfway to Los Angeles, we had to mke an unscheduled stop and get him her off the plane. Later I heard he wanted to save the four grand it costs to transport the body. We do have a corpse cupboard / compartment in the cabin, just in case we need to store an “incapacitated” body.

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So as Daniela rushed back to handle and air bag incident in economy, I soaked in her delicious sarcasm, sipped on my Diet Coke and the words flowed never before. I was cured from the Mayan-Calendar-End-of-the-Earth Jinx. 

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EDITOR'S NOTE: 
Part 2:
Read part two of Daniela and Michael here.

Part 3:
Read part three of Daniela and Michael here.