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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The Maneater

These days have been rather pedestrian.

Conceptualize the campaign.
Craft the copy.
Art direct the graphics designers.
Gain approvals.
Go into production.
Rinse and repeat.

The life of the Media Guy isn't always so tame and simple...especially with the cameras role. Ah, the drama. Perhaps the biggest drama what you encounter behind the scenes.

In the not-too-distant past, I had to babysit one of those sweet-on-the-surface, yet vicious maneaters.

She'll only come out at nights
The lean and hungry type
Nothing is new
I've seen her here before
Watching and waiting
Ooh, she's sittin' with you
But her eyes are on the door

So many have paid to see
What you think
You're gettin' for free
The woman is wild
A she-cat tamed
By the purr of a Jaguar
Money's the matter
If you're in it for love
You ain't gonna get too far


Winston Churchill once said, "When you're going through hell, keep on driving." What's hell like when you're babysitting a maneater / diva? Keep on reading...

Watch out boy, she'll chew you up!
...She has a wry, vivacious smile. Her smirk lets you know she was forever up to something. The California blonde with piercing blue eyes stopped all in her path. She lucked into the lead in television pilot. And despite the fact that dozens and dozens of pilots are made every year (only a few make it to air) she was already planning her Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony. The pandering folk whose bills were paid by her fleeting stardom, made her into a poster child for entitlement. I was no different. My assignment was to keep her happy and show her around Los Angeles. My time with her would be well spent I was told because it would be easier to ghostwrite her blog for the new show.

Uhm, ok.

What really ensued -- in the immortal words of Jerry McGuire -- was "an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about." Here's a quick rundown of what happened around town:

The Producer's “Punk-Ass Car.”

So where are we? We're driving down Cahuenga Boulevard after a private shoot at the Hollywood Bowl and she spots the producer of her show driving two cars in front of us in his vintage 1960's Mini Cooper. She starts laughing and pointing at his red cherry car, saying “Look at this guy and his punk-ass car. It's like a roller coaster car. Where are the clowns? Oh there he is driving! He's on of those executives who wants to be all cool in his fake hipster car."

So we both turn into the sound stage parking lot where the filming will be later in the day, and she sees the producer jumping out of his car. “HEY HEY HEY Honeeeeeyyy! I was watching you for miles and miles. I told Michael here that this was your punk-ass car.” So great. Not only did she insult her boss, but she insulted mine. She didn't care. All she wanted was her 140-degree coffee from Starbucks.

Phone Booth "Fun"

The only person more neurotic than a copywriter on deadline is the Maneating Diva when someone is trying to steal her spotlight. “There she is! That self-loathing bitch!,” she said of her sweet, brunette co-star with equally stunning green eyes. “She's a awkward, obnoxious dork. We've had fistfights, cat fights and shouting matches. Everywhere I turn, there she is!”

As much as the Diva was an up-and-coming nobody, the Self-Loathing B was at least a B-level star [think Baywatch]. Yet I digress...

...Apparently the Maneating Diva and the Self-Loathing B have had their issues on the set — giving a co-star’s boyfriend a Benadryl-laced brownie can strain a friendship you know — and their real-life relationship has its moments as well. Like the time the Self-Loathing B invited the Maneating Diva to a group therapy session, only to have the anxieties of twenty waitresses, er, actresses, send her running.

Now, the Self-Loathing B admits to being in therapy for ten years now, and says she’s even tried to persuade her directors to go with her. “She went in and out,” the B said. “She ran out once when I took her. Ran out! In group therapy! We caught her in a phone booth on Hollywood Boulevard hiding from ten neurotic actresses. And we’re saying, ‘You need us!’ And she’s saying, ‘I don’t need anybody!’ And she wouldn’t come out. And I don’t know if she ever went back to therapy.”

The Germaphobe

Judging from the photo on the left -- and I'[m sure you are -- the Maneater can be a real germaphobe and she is! No hair stylist is allowed to touch her hair without non-latex gloves. So usually, she does her hair herself. My favorite thing to do to her was when we had to stop to eat, I would come out of the men’s room going like this [shaking both hands and leaning in for a hug]. And she will not shake hands or get near you for days if she’s seen you go to the bathroom.”

All of this might seam pedestrian -- like creating a media campaign on Thursday -- but let me tell you it's no picnic. Be warned! The Maneater will you you up. Boy will she ever. So how do you spot one away from the movie set? Read on...

Spotting a Maneater

Whether her actions are blatantly visible or tactfully discrete, familiarity with the characteristics of a maneater will help in spotting one instantly. The male equivalent, often referred to as a player, is praised and envied. When a woman mirrors the moves of a player, she is regularly begrudged by women and loathed by men – merely because they cannot have her. Ever since Nelly Furtado’s release of the notable hit Maneater in 2006, I’ve been fascinated by the woman that "you wish you never ever met her at all." After understanding the characteristics of a maneater, you’ll know when you’re in the presence of one and even how to mimic her if that’s your desire!

1. CALLS THE SHOTS
Of all the characteristics of a maneater, bossiness is never absent. She makes the decisions according to her own time and needs leaving the man utterly powerless. A maneater rarely initiates contact, and when called or texted, she chooses if the man’s worthy of her time before responding. Meetings occur if, where, and when she wants. Her attention is so difficult to grasp that, to a man, it’s disguised as a reward. If he fails to see things her way, he quickly returns to her list of nobodies.

2. NEVER IMPRESSED
When a man no longer considers fulfilling a women’s wishes a challenge, he will begin to lose interest. While avoiding acting repulsed, she will instead act unmoved by his attempts at impressing her. His natural response is to try harder because he’s failed to measure up to men she is used to. Although she may tender a "thank you" and reward him here and there, she will always give the impression that his efforts could be better – in order to conspicuously abolish his ego. If she and the man are sexually active, she’ll use this as a leverage. For all the things he does for her, he earns a rightfully deserved sexual encounter – and more importantly, scarcely rare.

3. DISAPPEARS FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Every maneater has a knack for the disappearing act. A woman’s absence makes a man yearn for the slightest speck of attention. He’ll wonder for days what he did wrong, who replaced him, and if he’ll ever get her back. Undermining his confidence will only inflate hers because she’s succeeded at making him feel lame. This will cause the man to try millenniums harder to please her if she ever gives him the chance. Whether her disappearance lasts a few days or even months, he will be severely impacted by it.

4. MULTIPLE VICTIMS AT A TIME
The most necessary attribute of a maneater is the refusal of developing feelings. Receiving attention from multiple men at a time makes it easier for her to resist the temptation of falling for one of them. While instilling the fear that she at any time may move on to another man, she will stress to each one that they are the only one. Men don’t like to share, and if the woman they are pursuing is associating with other men, they may lose interest. She’ll avoid posting evidence to social media and portraying PDA simply to keep her options open.

5. AVOIDS RELATIONSHIPS
Although a maneater may at some point surrender to caring for someone other than herself, she will then be considered retired. Maneaters consider solely their own feelings, not those of others. A girl whose boyfriend is constantly on his knees longing to please her can often be mistaken for a maneater, but unless she’s not committed or invested in the relationship at all, she is not one. Some girls are sneaky and engage in relationships, only that are advantageous to them, while continuing to fraternize with other men. Remember, a maneater’s goal is to lure a man into an obsession with her and spits him out. This is, of course, until she finds a man who does the same to her!

6. EVERYONE ENVIES HER INDIVIDUALITY

She is unique, confident, and has the attention of every person in the room – including women. To be a maneater, you must be unafraid of being alone and unaffected by other people’s opinions. She knows the importance of always appearing beautiful, fashionable, and desirable. She does her own thing and doesn’t take notice of her competition because, in her opinion, she has none. It is important to maintain the composure of being the girl everyone wants to be – not jealous, insecure, or competitive. If a guy doesn’t want her, she forgets him and finds one that does.

7. GUY’S GIRL
A maneater is well versed in befriending men even if it is just as friends. She is accustomed to placing men in the friend zone because she only dates the best of the best. She’s used to watching the game, playing video games, and even shooting hoops with the guys. Men adore women that can be one of the guys. She exudes confidence while doing so and even uses this time to flirt around.

Maneating is a dangerous and not something you want to make a habit of! It can really come back to bite you in the butt, which is why it’s important to not be too heavily determined on mirroring these traits. Do you know a maneater, or are you one? Are there more characteristics you’d like to share?