It's On...!

Leave it to the marketing geniuses at Nintendo to get more publicity from its long time cash cow Donkey Kong. The company is trying to trademark the iconic phrase "It's on like Donkey Kong." Just the awareness alone is credited for making the recently released Donkey Kong Country Returns a big hit. There are also reports of increased sales from older Donkey Kong titles for new platforms. Just let this be a warning that if you try to include the line in your new creative, you may have to pay Nintendo their cut to use it.

And it's gluten free too!

Uncle Joe is popular in the clubs, but not so much at family gatherings.

Santa Doesn't Live Here Anymore

The challenging economy, a**holes, motherf***ers, moody clients, rodents and childish employees. The past year has been rough. It’s inspired forlorn days of old when life was easier.

I remember the sound of laughter. The world gave us hope and we helped the poor, lost children who only had decay as their toy. Imagine my joy when the opportunity to revisit my childhood appeared in the form of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. You know Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer don’t you? The long-running stop motion animation Christmas television special that first aired in 1964 on NBC? The one invented by Montgomery Ward ad men to fill the growing void of children’s holiday viewing? Yes, that’s the one.

A much needed boost was in order for the soul of the growing cynicism inside the Media Guy. What better than Santa and Rudolph to cheer a half-empty spirit? So following the sage advice of Sam the Snowman I pulled up an ice block and lent an ear.

So after 47 minutes of this beloved classic I just have to say, what the hell happened to the Santa Claus who used to warm the season? Seriously, as an adult pulling back the curtain to witness all of those behind the scenes Santa moments was absolutely terrifying.

Before I get to the main problem—namely Santa’s a complete douchebag here—there are so many other issues. Starting with the reindeer mocking [that seems outlandishly harsh by today’s PC standards], continuing with the out-of-place homosexual undercurrent of Hermey the Elf’s story [“I want to be a dentist.”] and finishing with the fascist Foreman Elf [who tells Hermey “You'll never fit in! Now you come to elf practice, learn how to wiggle your ears, chuckle warmly, go hee-hee and ho-ho, and important stuff like that.”]. This is definitely not chicken soup for the soul.

Meanwhile, back to Bad Santa in the Elves Workshop. “Well, let’s get this over with,” he says to the little darlings as they try to sing the tune they wrote for him. A song coincidently about how they’re “his” elves. Instead of being a leader and embracing “his” elves, he’s defiant, uninterested and edgy while they’re giving it their all. Was it that much to fake a smile when these diminutive slave-toymakers are singing songs about how happy they are that you’re their master?

Wait, it gets worse…

...when the song is over and Mrs. Claus has the common courtesy to applaud them, Santa grimaces saying “Well, it needs work. I gotta go.” I’m still irritated at good ole Saint Nick for declaring “that silly elf song is driving me crazy” while he’s stuffing his face. Dude, no one’s forcing you to channel Ché Guevara here, but get real.

"How can I eat? That silly elf song is driving me crazy."

Later on at the reindeer games, Rudolph is kicking some caribou butt. He’s doing it all while all the other young bucks are faceplanting in the winter wonderland. Here Santa starts off supportive, commending Rudolph, until the moment of truth: the red nose is exposed. After watching Rudolph get ridiculed by his “friends”, Machiavellian Santa gives it to Rudolph’s father Donner “…you ought to be ashamed of yourself…what a pity…he had a nice takeoff, too…” which leads to Comet the Coach declaring “From now on, we’re not going to let Rudolph join in any reindeer games…” Yes Virginia, Santa is a bigot.

All of this unhinged me. It had to be sorted out during my workout, which led to a virtual cornucopia of introspection:

1. Why is Clarice alarmingly hot? Not only does she have impressive forward thinking when it comes to Rudolph’s “shortcomings”, but she’s also got the best four-legged eyelashes in the history of stop animation.

2. What’s the deal with the tall elf? Is he a toy engineer? Did he intern at FAO Schwartz or Mattel? Why is he tall? Why isn’t Machiavelli Santa engineering a Tall Elf beat down by Fascist Foreman Elf?

3. The doll on the Island of Misfits; why is she there? She looks fine, but she had to be there for a reason. I’m guessing she’s a distant cousin to Frances Farmer awaiting some botched lobotomy. However you slice it, she needs more professional help other than what King Moon Racer has to offer.

4. Back to Clarice…is she an orphan? When Rudolph pulls his hobo act, Mr. and Mrs. Donner hit the snow trail looking for him, but when Clarice vanishes, we don’t even get the prerequisite parental phone call to the FBI. Are her parents on misfit island too and that’s why she understands Rudolph so well? 40 years of watching this and no answer to the Clarice dilemma.

5. Finally, why does Rudolph agree to guide Santa’s sleigh? Rudolph must really be something special, because when you are treated that way I’m guessing you are fantasizing about delivering a swift hoof to Santa’s marbles and not deliver presents. Really, there’s a serious storm out there. After all if you crash in the remote mountainous border between Argentina and Chile, Santa’s going buffet style on you to survive.

At the end of my workout, I didn’t get the answers I wanted. I have an eerie feeling that Santa’s a front runner and only happy when things are going his way. Maybe he has a chemical disorder. He’s probably bipolar. At the very least he’s exploiting the elves and Rudolph and itching to cancel Christmas because of some weather issues.

My Christmas wish is that the Fred Astaire version of Kris Kringle in “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” is treated kinder by time. And yes, my glass of soul is still half full.

To sum it all up:

UPDATE: December 6, 2018
Anti-Bullying from Inside Edition:

Although this report came eight years after my original post, the mainstream media is picking up on my message:

Inside Edition
Published on Dec 1, 2018
Many grew up loving “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” but now the holiday classic is at the center of a political correctness battle. “RudolphTheRedNosedReindeer teaching kids since 1964 that your peers will only accept your differences if you can provide them with some kind of service,” went one tweet. The 1964 movie was viewed by 8.14 million viewers when it aired on CBS this week. The HuffPost shared a video highlighting some of the gripes, calling the classic “seriously problematic.”

Tourism, Socialism and Insomnia Hell

Welcome from South Beach.

Not really sure how long this morning's column will end up being. I'm supposed to be asleep right now, since it's three in the morning and I'm in a hotel room in Miami, where I'm getting up to go on a supplier diversity conference tomorrow that will occupy my whole day. Insomnia's got me worried that the conference is going to be a nightmare, and so I figure if I'm awake, I might as well use this time in the wee small hours to report on the latest Media Guy Struggles and we'll see how much stuff I end up getting to.

Traveling is tough on the body…but good for the soul. You see things you wouldn’t normally see, taste food you wouldn’t normally order and meet people who are otherwise tucked into their office with their phones on perpetual “do not disturb.”

I rose to do a little workout and some yoga. After spending 18 of 27 days on the road trekking through Damascus, Rome, Washington D.C. and Miami you have to set your mood and get back on the workout trail. Butter-laden foods and heavy carbs could set you back pretty quickly. Everyone is fond of the slimmer, sleeker Media Guy so now it’s an obligation to keep going. 19 pounds to go.

Meanwhile work beckons and that means the usual suspects masquerading as experts. People always have trouble creating intelligent tourism campaigns and when there’s a committee, it is worse. So there I was kicking around tourism slogans for a country we just signed and everyone was lost in the whole socialistic “everyone gets a vote” method of copywriting. Of course my mind wandered about as if it were on a walk through the Outback of Australia on a mission to identify the worst tourism slogans.

I once visited Indonesia and saw a enormous billboard in bright lights on a rooftop: “VISIT JAKARTA”. The sign was in Jakarta, so everyone who saw it had either (a) already complied, or (b) already lived there. Well done, guys.

Another tourism faux pas was made by New Zealand. Their slogan? “100 Percent Pure New Zealand.” Couldn’t Satan use the same line?: “Hell. 100 Percent Pure Hell.”

Another hellish slogan was “Come to Bangladesh before the tourists.” That sounds like a warning, “When you get here you won’t find any other visitors and you’ll think. “Uh-oh. Why am I the only person here? What do they know that I don’t?”

Spain’s Andalucía has a slogan: “Andalucía. There’s only one.” This is short and sweet, but it what does it tell you? It could apply to virtually anywhere. Watch how it works:

“Tehachapi. There’s only one.”
“The Bronx Landfill. There’s only one.”
“My Warped Mind. There’s only one.”

Catch my drift?

Israel: Size doesn’t matter! Oh yes, watch this one. It's a classic.

In Hong Kong, the tourism board once used “Hong Kong will take your breath away.” That was great until scientists discovered that it was true. There was so much air-pollution that residents had to go to neighboring Macau each time they wanted to take a deep breath without choking.

My Indonesia: Just a Smile Away. If only a smile was all it took to travel overseas.

Back to reality, the team is in full gear. Some good ideas and some clunkers. We engage in real life within the tourism industry, after all, places are not places. They are “destinations.” When tourism becomes important enough in an area, public and private interests team up to form a destination marketing organization and hire an ad agency, like us. We’re responsible for the entire “branding” of the destination, and the slogan is just a part of the overall marketing campaign. But it’s the key cog in the machine.

Take the U.S. The longevity of a tourism slogan is short. As a matter of fact over a 21 year period, only six of the 50 State slogans remain in use.

So, back to the brainstorming. I urge the team not to be lazy, as in “Utah Lazy.” Their idea of a good slogan is adding an exclamation point. “Utah!” was the obvious choice here. Yes, a freaking exclamation point was the height of their creativity (!!). It must be working because they’ve stuck with it for 17 years.

In British Columbia they can’t make up their minds at all. Right before the last Olympics what used to be sweet and simple, “Beautiful BC” transformed into “BC: The Best Place on Earth” . Who says Canadians are humble? At least they left out the exclamation point.

“We should have some vision,” I explained. Unlike Panama’s famous slogan, “Panama. It will never leave you” which is reminiscent of childhood trauma and STDs. Speaking of which, how about Albania’s “A New Mediterranean Love”? Sounds a bit promiscuous, no?

In the middle of my mini Prof. Media Guy lecture a slogan flew into my head much in the same manner “Hey Soul Sister” by Train camps out in your mind all day like a Cuba squatter: “Colombia – the only risk is wanting to stay.” It took 45 minutes to get that out of my head.

And with that, I need to finish this egg-white omelet, cram in a workout and take a shower before heading out to conference and network the hell out of the day.

“Conference Networking. 100 Percent Pure Hell.” Hmmmm, not bad…

Washington DC: Pulitzer Prize Photographs Gallery

Hands down the most engaging museum in the country for anyone who loves the media. The Newseum offers a unique perspective on U.S. and world history...all through the eyes of the media. From the TV Studio to Meet the Press host Tim Russert's office to the 9/11 exhibit, there are almost too many things to check out. The exhibit that moved me most is the Pulitzer photo gallery featuring the most comprehensive collection of Pulitzer Prize-winning photographs ever assembled as well as interviews with many of the photographers.

Some of the photographs have become icons of their time: Marines raising Old Glory on Iwo Jima, the joyful reunion of a returning prisoner of war and his family, a firefighter cradling an injured infant after the Oklahoma City bombing. Those and other images record the defining moments of our world and time.

See the clip as Ron Edmonds of the Associated Press talks about the assassination attempt on President Reagan.

MGS Cuisine: SKORTHOSTOUBI aka Eggplant with Garlic

This is a favorite dish; great for all seasons and special occasions.

3-4 big eggplants, sliced 1/8 inch thick

3-4 tomatoes, sliced 1/8 inch thick

4 cups olive oil for frying, or for baking, enough oil to sprinkle the slices.

Sauce (recipe below)

Salt and pepper

Water as needed

2 teaspoons vinegar

Feta cheese for topping

Sauce

8-10 garlic cloves, crushed

1⁄2 cup Greek extra virgin olive oil

5 fresh tomatoes, peeled, seeded and crushed

1⁄2 cup water

Salt and pepper

In small pot, sauté garlic in oil, add tomatoes and water. Let it simmer for 5 minutes or until sauce is thickened. In a separate pan, fry thinly sliced eggplant (or bake them in oven about 20 minutes) and drain them for an hour.

In a big skillet, alternate layers of sliced eggplant with layers of sauce and tomatoes. End with sauce layer and add salt and pepper. Let cook on stove until tender, adding a little water if needed. Add vinegar and remove it from heat.

Sprinkle with crumbled feta cheese and serve.

Ethics

Lately, I’m traveling different.

I used to roll in some jeans and comfy shoes. Kind of a grunge-under-the radar-look that really doesn’t sit well if you are labeling yourself the “Media Guy.” Now I rock in all black with Armani slacks and a pin stripe Hugo Boss blazer with a purple scarf that doubles as a pocket square.

I’m no James Bond, but the new look, slimmer, sleeker Media Guy now fits the bill. Score another for the new workout regime.

So there I was in the desolate Aleppo Airport at 11p. Six journalistic souls in a foreign land hoping for a quick entry stamp in their passports and a metaphorical journey into the unknown. They were looking for a center. I mean as much as I love travel, the Middle East and Syria, all this airport was missing was the Green Acres theme music and a goat randomly searching for a meal near baggage claim.

I didn’t know any of these writers prior to reaching Syria. They were simply blurry faces on bad copies of passports that were coupled with flashy bios of past successes. I must have stood out because each found me and wondered aloud if I was ready to lead them past the Immigration folks. After a quick discussion of the pocket scarf and a quick comedy show I had collected passports and forms and started my visa negotiations. Credit the new Media Guy Look again for opening doors that would have been otherwise closed with the old grunge ensemble.

I’ve done this many times before. You know, the tap dance to get everyone into the country without issue. This one was especially easy because every question from the officials sounded like a warped overhead speaker announcement. I understood nothing they were saying except “Yes Mr. Michael.” With each approval my mind drifted back to more pressing issues.

Ethics are on my mind lately. The lines of ethics are getting more blurry every day. People poking their noses in other clients’ business and other levels of untrustworthiness, spying (and the related) creates this big soap opera.

I see the lines between work and real life getting more blurry and confusing; everyone’s running back and forth across the line so much that their footprints are obscuring it even more. I see that no one knows the meaning of a Chinese Wall.

Most people don’t know its technical correct meaning: The ethical barrier between companies that protects client confidentiality. Setting appropriate boundaries so that the same people can have business and personal relationships without damaging either.

I don’t see people honoring the sex Chinese Walls either. Don’t fish in the company pond or the more direct don’t f#*k where you work. Seems fine when you are young until you get caught.

I also see a lot of people blurring the mantra of “There’s life, and there’s work.” The two are different and you forget that to your peril. Maybe the “end of the world” hyperbole can remind us that it’s not the end of the world at all, it’s the potential end of a business in a booming industry and a great job market. Too bad the job market is so poor and we can’t just say “It’s just business.”

Regardless of where the walls are crumbling, I know that truth and transparency eliminates most ethics gaps. But there has never really been a line for most people. Work and family and love and sex and career have always been far too intermingled for most. Maybe that’s part of my problem since I have always been able to compartmentalize life’s segments. Others can’t and won’t.

Perhaps if I did a few more downward dogs or crammed in a workout before having to jump into Media Guy role I wouldn’t be thinking so much.

Some deep breaths might do the trick; and sometimes that’s all that matters.