Nude Modeling

It’s been a whirlwind month.

It’s award season. That means that my trusty Canon and I have traveled the red carpets around Los Angeles and Hollywood at the American Music Awards, the Golden Globes and the Grammys. And let's not forget that the Oscars are only a month away... 

Lots more on Instagram

It also means that my Japanese television drama, Miss Pilot, started filming another season in Tokyo, fully replete the super Asian divas and a giant language barrier…

So you can imagine how delightful it was that I was finally back in my office hunkered down imagining another communication plan and wondering if my Clio nomination was going to gain any traction.

Yes, just another day at the office.

Then the phone rang shattering the silence of thinking into a million pieces. The call from my side went something like this:

“Modeling, huh?”

“Oh. Nude modeling?”

“Interesting…”

Twenty-five hours later I was in my car trying to find the art studio in the middle of North Hollywood’s newly fashionable NoHo Arts District. It was time to attend my first nude modeling art class.

The media guy in me was intrigued.

The male in me was intrigued even more. Would the next Marilyn Monroe be there? An unknown beauty perhaps? How would my drawing be?

So there I was, the only guy (read: The Media Guy) in the room. Blue pencil poised, ready to sketch the sleek lines of tan-legged, cash-strapped sorority co-ed and then, my world changed all at once. In sauntered a guy in a silky white robe. I hoped he was someone eccentric who painted his best in a modified smock of sorts. Then it happened. He dropped his robe and stood tall, possessed with the body of an Adonis.

I wondered what was going through his mind. Was a room full of people studying his nakedness appealing? Was it arousing? Was modeling lucrative? I let out a huge smirk as this scenario hit my mind:

I was very quickly distracted from my self-induced humor as I listened to the instructor explain the way she wanted him to pose.

“Lay on the floor on your right side with your back to the students.”

His legs were extended to my left and his right elbow was propped up on a chair, curving his spine and bringing his shoulders parallel with the floor. And guess what? His manhood was pointed right at me, staring me straight in the eye. I must say that he commanded the room as the nine women in attendance busily mapped out his body on their linen sheets. The students began to draw. And me? I began to meditate.

This was definitely not my gig—so far things were not going according to plan.

All of the sudden there was a commotion in the back of the class as the back door slammed open and there she was. Six-foot tall, also clad in a silky white rope (is that the art class model’s uniform?). So was an Amazon for sure. My savior angel had arrived; someone to distract me from the anaconda slithering in front of me. Oh goodness, I had never been so far out of my element.

At the end of the session, the male model shook hands with everyone but me. It seems I my little giggle at the top of the class was highly offensive (ooops!). However, Margrét, my new favorite Amazon model stuck around after class to look at the artwork created in her likeness. She was particularly interested in mine, as I drew her very modest and with an interesting angle.

I spoke with her a bit—I mean why not?—surely I wasn’t getting this account and I had offended nearly everyone who was in the room at the start of the class. Making a new friend was my only hope to salvage this day.

Media Guy: I noticed that you didn’t follow the instructor’s suggestions on how to pose, why?

Margrét, My New Favorite Amazon Model: She couldn’t expect me to really lie down like the guy. They was he was dangling like that was embarrassing for even me and I have seen it all! That and the fact that I was growing out my, uhhhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhm, “carpet” for a 1960s pinup photo shoot that had to be authentic for this insane French photographer, Dr. Y., who demands everything be about the details. Talk about swampy! That’s me and my jungle.

MG: At least it’s a good payday, right?

MMNFAM: Now, one thing about Frenchy Dr. Y is that he’s generous to a fault. Since our friendship has long transcended the What’s-Your-Price-rigamarole, he doesn’t pay me for my time anymore. He just flies me around the world and enjoys lavishing gifts on me. Aside from taking me to some amazing dinners, and plying me with Vegas’s finest overpriced booze, he also brought me a bag full of gifts — just like Santa Claus!

MG: And these 1960s pinups? Have you ever done them before?

MMNFAM: [Smiles] I did that ’60s pinup shoot before with a British photographer. Yes, I was growing everything out, and we did the shoot in this amazing retro car store, but the day of the shoot was super effing hot and humid. It was one of those 110-degree days, dammit! The place isn’t air-conditioned, only swamp-cooled. To make matters worse, I couldn’t really blast the a/c in the cab on the way there for fear of messing up my beehive. I was so freaking hot when I got there that the second I walked in the store I ripped off my dress and stood there nude, fanning myself madly with my appointment book. I didn’t realize that the store was still open to the public during the shoot. I made a lot of friends and a lot of enemies that day....Just like you did today! [more smiles]

EPILOGUE

Back at the office a few days later I had to report to my would-be client that I wasn't the the right guy to take this job. Alas, Margrét is going to join me on my next round of wedding crashing. At least I made a new friend.

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UPDATE: March 9, 2015 ... PART II can be read here: Catching up with Margrét, My New Favorite Amazon Model

MGS Chat: Andrew Luck

Andrew Luck, the prince who replaced the king, takes center stage this weekend after staging one of the NFL's greatest playoff history. Before taking on the New England Patriots, he took a few minutes to hang with the Media Guy.

MEDIA GUY: What do you think about this Patriots defense and what can you take from last year’s game and your experience, or is that all by the boards at this point?

ANDREW LUCK: I think obviously the game has no bearing on this year, but I do think there is merit in going back and watching it and seeing certain things. I think it’s a great way to re-familiarize yourself with what Coach [Bill] Belichick does, but we put way more stock in the film from this year and what they’ve done. It’s a phenomenal defense – they get after the quarterback and have studs all around. 

MG: What are some of the things that stand out from last year’s game? 

AL: Yeah, you know I thought it was one tough, tough defense. I don’t want to dwell too much on last year. They do a great job of forcing turnovers, getting to the quarterback. We know it’s going to be a dogfight. 

MG: Schemes don’t necessarily change too much with teams from year to year. Do you think that you are more mentally prepared to handle the scheme of the Patriots this year than you were last year? 

AL: Yeah, I think so. I think I’ve improved. I am nowhere near perfect, but I think I’ve improved. They do such a great job of disguising and making everything look the same and then lo and behold it was different and, shoot, you did something stupid. So, I do feel like I’m better equipped to handle this. 

MG: I know it’s not really about you versus Tom Brady this weekend, but as a young quarterback in his second season, is it tough not to use the accomplishments and the arc of Brady’s career as something to strive towards? 

AL: He has definitely set the standard for success at the quarterback position. The way he handles himself, watching from afar, the competitive nature and basically all the right things he does. Yeah, I guess he is a barometer and he is the standard. 

MG: Have you sat down with Deion Branch yet and picked his brain? 

AL: It’s been a quick morning. I definitely will pick his brain. He is going to be a great addition to our team, but I haven’t had a chance to sit down. We’ve been rolling in and out of meetings. 

MG: Have you worked out with him at all? 

AL: I haven’t yet. 

MG: Speed and athleticism is great, but can you talk about the growth of T.Y. Hilton as a wide receiver versus an athlete? 

AL: Yeah, I mean phenomenal. I think everyone knows he’s a great athlete. It’s awesome to see him do so well this year because he’s worked at his craft so hard through the offseason through last year and this year. He’s always in Reggie [Wayne]’s ear about how to get open, what tricks of the trade to use. So, he’s a special football player, he works every day to get better and deserves all the success he gets. 

MG:  I think you’re 14-2 in games decided by seven points of loss, and the vast majority of those games have been fourth quarter comebacks. What would you attribute the success to in those close contests? 

AL: I think of it as more of a team statistic. Ever since I’ve been a part of this team guys have played hard for 60 minutes. I know in most of those games the defense has made an unbelievable stop or forced a turnover or the special teams makes a huge play or [kicker Adam Vinatieri] Vinny kicks a huge field goal to win it or you get a big momentum changing special teams play and offensively we manage to put some decent drives together. I think Coach [Chuck] Pagano and the attitude he sets is to play hard for 60 minutes and overtime if necessary, and we all buy into that. 

MG:  I know you enjoyed the victory last weekend, but how quickly did the conversation turn to, ‘Hey, we can’t keep falling behind like this in games?’ 

AL: We understand we can’t survive our mistakes forever, especially against a good, quality playoff football team. So, we’ll work at limiting those mistakes and then hopefully giving ourselves a fighting chance. 

MG: One of the things that you and Tom Brady have done this year is to adjust to a lot of different personnel around you. What’s been the most challenging aspect of that for you, and how have you been able to overcome it? 

AL: I think it is a challenge in different phases, but it is a great opportunity for everybody to come in, and guys have made the most of their opportunity, whether it’s wide outs or linemen or whoever it may be. I understand that it’s sort of the climate of the NFL and injuries are a terrible thing, but they do happen. We’ve been very fortunate, I think, to have great guys step up into those roles, whether it’s been for the whole season, or for a game, or for a quarter or whatever it may be. Everybody prepares like a starter and the next man up theme is a bit unfortunate, but it is real and it is part of the locker room. 

MG: How about for you personally - has it helped knowing that you can adjust to all these changing parts? 

AL: I haven’t really thought about it like that. I figure it’s part of being a professional – making sure you do your job no matter the circumstances surrounding it. [Quarterbacks Coach] Clyde Christianson and [Offensive Coordinator] Pep Hamilton have done a great job of making sure we all go out there feeling comfortable and no one is going out there feeling out of their element or unable to handle the load that’s given to them. So, I think a lot of credit [goes] to Pep for making it all work.” 

MG: Does it help that your offense is fluid? Bill Belichick said that it’s really a game plan type of offense based on what he’s seen, in that it can change from game to game. 

AL: Yeah I think it does. I think Pep has really done great job of giving us our best shot each week based on personnel and everything else. We go in feeling like we have a fighting chance to win each game if we can limit our mistakes. So, it’s been good. 

MG: You’ve had a league low number of penalties and you only had 14 turnovers this year. Is it a point of emphasis going against a team like New England that sort of craves winning those turnover battles? 

AL: Yeah, you know it’s an emphasis every week, and that’s something Coach Pagano has talked about from day one. Along with running the football and stopping the run, it’s turnover margin that he preaches day-in and day-out. We took that to heart this year and managed to do a decent job. Obviously we weren’t great at it last week, but we know we can’t do that when we play the Patriots. 

MG: Do you come back to that a little more after last week’s outing? 

AL: Oh yeah, you know you’re definitely aware of it, absolutely. They do such a great job. I think they’re plus-nine throughout the season. They do a great job, from what I understand, if you turn the ball over offensively they do a great job of getting points like that, obviously with a great quarterback. We definitely have to come back to it. 

MG: How much of the success that you’ve had in the no-huddle is attributable to the fact that you know the guys around you a little bit better? How much is timing and how much is just a schematic thing? 

AL: That’s a good question. I don’t know if I could put a percentage on everything, but it’s worked at certain times, at big times. Also the other tempos of offense have worked for us, so I think it’s great to have all those options. 

MG: I know you didn’t want to throw the interceptions last week, but I know on two of them you came right back and led the team to a touchdown. Could you speak to your ability to even the score so to speak? 

AL: I think you’ve got to have a short memory. When you playing with guys who trust you and you trust them it’s a lot easier to go on the field and right your wrong or atone for your sins, if you will. So, I think like any competitor you want to go out there and rectify it. I’m glad we could. 

MG: The Patriots defense took another hit this week when they lost another starter. What do you see form this defense that you’re preparing for? 

AL: They’re going to be tough. It’s going to be physical. They do a great job of disrupting timing and rhythm. They’re relentless and they’re well coached. They’re rarely out of position, so we know we’re going to have our hands full. 

Anchors Away

Have I mentioned how much I love Starbucks?

Some rail on them for the bitterness of their coffee, others for their (alleged) political ties. Personally, I think they just love money. But my love of Starbucks extends beyond the superficial coffee beans and scones. Starbucks is loved in the Media Guy’s house for two simple reasons: 1) They don’t spend a dollar on advertising and 2) It’s a great muse on a weekday to write a column or review the latest news from Adweek and Ad Age online.

It’s all good until someone crosses the line. Flashback to last Thursday.

There I am writing a hunk of this blog while “on assignment” at a local Starbucks near the agency at 4:00p. It was nearly standing room only (“What? Are they giving away the stuff?”) and after whipping out the laptop, three people caught my attention.

1) The glazed over mom staring endlessly into the parking lot while her twin daughters were getting amped on fully-caffeinated mocha Frappuccinos®; I couldn’t help thinking she was mirroring Diane Lane in “Unfaithful” imagining her French lover in some Downtown L.A. romp.

2) The beaten down thirtysomething Nordstroms shoe salesman. (How did I know he was a Nordstrom’s shoe salesman? Well, Dave still had his name tag on and his $550 Prada dress shoes where in direct contrast to his $199 JCPenney’s Billy London suit.) He was on Facebook with his music playing just loud enough to be noticed while playing Mafia Wars and humming the Godfather theme endlessly. All I could think of was how bad is your life/apartment/girlfriend/wife that you say “screw this, I just finished a six hour shift smelling men’s toe-cheese socks but I can’t stand it at home so I’m going to hang at Starbucks and play Mafia Wars?”

3) Of course 10 minutes into my Venti Christmas Blend I had to go to the bathroom. Just as I made my move towards the unisex restroom, a guy with a rolled up magazine cut-in and proceeded to drop anchor for the next 20, all the while setting the restroom line back 12 people as if there was a rush hour traffic jam on the 405 freeway. Trust me, that’s bad math and I wasn’t going to be the first one in there after anchors away.

In the midst of the restroom logjam, er, traffic jam, I wondered what that guy could have possibly eaten to get him in this mess. I mean a few sessions with Vern’s three-a-day workout system would get things flowing. As I sank into the inner depths of my introspection, I was lost in the random questions and events around the office last week...things like holiday parties, eight days of Hanukkah vs. one day of Christmas, how Gatorade discovered women’s bowling, and if Angelina Jolie really subscribed to my blog recently.

Holiday parties

Lindsay, Paris and Britney can rip through the velvet ropes and still get starring roles in movies, perfume commercials and remain the darlings of the wannabe socialites. On the other hand, those of us (you) in the non-jetset crowd need to behave at the annual holiday party and not pretend we’re in South Florida the weekend before the Super Bowl. Mind-numbing hangovers and getting fired cannot be options. All of this applies unless you work at an ad agency.

I have worked for several agencies that throw sumptuous parties, replete with open bars, limo rides and bans on significant others. Take last weekend’s party in Hollywood at the Geisha House. I should have known that the red glow of opaque neon from behind the bar should have been flashing “DON’T DRINK THE VODKA MARTINIS”; needless to say, most in attendance blew past that stop sign pretty fast.

For me vodka martinis either lead to bisexual women sitting on my lap or making an embarrassing speech at 11:00p in front of the team. Like, for example, in 1999 at the Regent Beverly Wilshire where I was a last minute substitution as a junior executive for the 'state of the union' speech.

So there I am in front of quite a few people. Hell, I looked like Dean Martin at a roast with a drink in the left hand and cigar and microphone in the other. I don't remember what I was supposed to announce, but the first thing out of my mouth was a slurred “F*** you all.” Followed by “90 per cent of you have treated me like s*** this year. And to top it off, Martin and Brenda started sleeping together on October 17th. Happy Anniversary!"

Luckily, by the end of it the big bosses were laughing hysterically thinking it was a parody of sorts. And, since they were laughing, everyone else joined in the fun. I successfully avoided the dreaded Monday-After Walk of Shame by the kind hands of the Holiday Party Gods…as for the bisexual party crasher that wound up on my lap at one a.m.? Did she know the route? Are you kidding me? She wrote the route.

Eight days of Hanukkah vs. one day of Christmas

Christmas vs. Hanukkah. It’s not exactly Ali-Frasier or Leonard-Duran in the Clash of Titans.

However, for as long as it has been Torah vs. Testament (and whatever variations that have spun off along the way) these two religious and culturally iconic holidays have competed for top-shelf glory.

Personally, I don’t care who wins the battle. I say “can’t we all get along?” All I care about is who advertises during the busiest shopping season in the world and what will be left of ad inventory. So let’s go to the tale of the tape.

Christmas commemorates the birth of a divine religious leader widely worshipped by one of the largest faiths in the world.

Hanukkah honors one of the rare times the Jewish people managed not to get totally decimated by a non-fan, (this time the Greeks), and as a windfall the Macabees tripped upon a magic candle that burned for an undoubtedly curious, yet not headliner worthy, eight days.

Christmas has given birth to an enormously lucrative subculture of holiday cheer, blockbuster films and the enchanted world of good ole Kris Kringle. Hanukkah? Uh, let’s move on.

On Christmas Eve children and adults alike hang stockings by the chimney with care in hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there. On Hanukkah eve, they are still fighting about candles and how much aluminum foil is necessary to catch the wax.

This is getting depressing. So I think it is time we all come to terms with the tale of the tape and invite everyone for one huge holiday party! Even those stuck with Kwanzaa. Happy holidays and let’s all get along.

Gatorade discovers women’s bowling...

Charlie Harper shirts, beer, cigarettes and Chris Schenkel. That's what bowling means to me. Of course bowling is hotter now with Rock n’ Roll Friday Nights and even the CEO of Lucky Strike warranted a whole show on Undercover Boss. There’s a new sheriff in town and he’s courting hot chicks with Gatorade poised to take advantage of the trend tagging itself "The official thirst quencher of bowling's U.S. Women's Open." With a 12 per cent rise in bowlers, up to 24 million people, it seems like a good choice. I better dust off my balls.

Did Angelina grace my blog?

I’ve arrived. Haven’t I? There I was checking the stats and followers of the Media Guy blog and there she was. A picture of loveliness, oozing with sexiness from my list of followers. It even listed her as “A Jolie”. Could it really be true? I don’t know, but with the line growing longer at the Starbucks restroom, I’m sure happy for this distraction.

With those random thoughts, Mr. Considerate emerged from the restroom oblivious to the destruction he inflicted on countless bladders. I think it’s time that coffee houses start hiring coolers to keep the patrons in line. You play loud music—hit the bricks. You shout into your cell phone—you’re outta here. You can't act like your $4 latte is rent for your afternoon spot. I say we need a huge guy like Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction or a martial arts expert in disguise like Patrick Swayze in Road House to patrol the seating area in their green mermaid vests.

This could work. I’m convinced.
Media Guy Out.

THANK you to our readers

Just a quick note to say thank you to all of the The Media Guy Struggles supporters.

November was the biggest month ever with almost 85,000 page views from 40+ countries. It's both humbling and exciting. Also, a special thank you to my readers from the UK, Canada and Russia who all tallied over 1,000 page views each.

It's not Facebook and its one trillion page views a month, but I have to say, it's pretty darned good.Thank you for all of your emails, your kind (and critical) words and your belief in the words and philosophies of the Media Guy.

Going Gluten-Free!

Geez. How many articles can a Media Guy handle about weight gain during the holidays? 

More than ever, though, people understand that our bodies just weren’t designed to handle the amount of processed flour found in many of today’s food. 

Some people with vague, undiagnosed illnesses feel better after cutting out gluten, a protein in flour-based foods. Many Americans, including professional athletes and celebrities such as Zooey Deschanel and men’s tennis leader Djovak Nokovic, say they look and perform better since dropping gluten from their diets.

What if you could toss the flour in your pastries, but keep the flavor?

Follow Kyra Bussanich on Twitter like the Media Guy does.

“Unfortunately, a lot of people who commit to a gluten-free lifestyle believe they have to sacrifice their favorite desserts, because gluten-free treats are often loaded with sugar but low on flavor,” says Kyra Bussanich, (www.kyrasbakeshop.com), author of a new, full-color recipe book, “Sweet Cravings: 50 Seductive Desserts for a Gluten-Free Lifestyle

Bussanich’s gluten-free cupcakes twice bested their floury competition on “Cupcake Wars” (2011 and 2012) and were a runner-up for the show’s Cupcake Champion. She shares her secrets in recipes such as Mexican Chocolate Baked Alaska, Persian Love Cakes with Cardamom Buttercream and Vanilla Chiffon Cake with Blackberry Coulis. 

After suffering a life-threatening illness at 20, Bussanich recovered with the help of a new diet without gluten. She began testing gluten-free recipes while attending the prestigious Le Cordon Bleu patisserie program and later opened her popular business, Kyra’s Bake Shop.

“My recipes are not good ‘for being gluten-free;’ they’re just good, and that’s why people who eat gluten visit my bakery and order gluten-free desserts,” she says. “For me, being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease allowed me to turn lemons into gluten-free lemon meringue pie!”

Any doubt that gluten-free can be delicious? Try this one (and add in a Venti gluten-free cup of Starbucks!):

Apple Crisp
6 large tart apples (Pippin or Granny Smith)
1/3 cup sugar, or 1/4 cup maple syrup
2 tablespoons tapioca starch
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon Chinese five-spice powder
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
Generous pinch salt
3 tablespoons cold butter

Topping
1/2 cup sweet white rice flour
1/2 cup millet flour
1/2 cup tapioca starch
1 cup packed golden brown sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon Chinese five-spice powder
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
3/4 cup butter, room temperature
3/4 cup gluten-free oats
1/2 cup chopped pecans or walnuts (optional)
 
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Peel, core and slice the apples into 1/4-inch slices. Put the apple slices into a large bowl and sprinkle the sugar over the top. Add the tapioca starch, cinnamon, five-spice, ginger and salt and toss together to evenly coat the apple slices. Pour into a 9 by 13-inch baking pan, dot the top with pieces of the butter and set aside. To make the topping, combine the flours, tapioca starch, brown sugar, cinnamon, salt, five-spice and ginger in a mixing bowl. In a stand mixer with a paddle attachment, mix in the butter until it is uniformly incorporated into the flour mixture. Stir in the oats and pecans.

Crumble the oat topping evenly over the apples. Bake until the topping is golden brown and set and the apples are warm and bubbly, 55 to 60 minutes.

You can prepare everything ahead of time. Refrigerate the apple filling and keep the topping frozen until ready to assemble and bake. Don’t refrigerate the unbaked topping overnight since the millet flour will interact with the butter and taste and smell cheesy when it’s baked.

Get the book at Amazon.com

The AMAs and the One-Armed Man

A funny conversation happened to me during my mad rush to reach Los Angeles’ Nokia Theater to cover the American Music Awards for Fox. Cover might be a reach; I mean working the red carpet isn’t exactly a Pulitzer Prize assignment, but it helps pay the bills.

I know what you are saying right now, “Blah, blah, blah Media Guy…get to the freaking point.”

Okay, okay, sorry for digressing right at the start.

I ran into the talented and charming Ryan Stout. He’s a comedian who has made it to the big time on Comedy Central. H couldn’t resist telling me about what happened on a recent flight.

RYAN STOUT: I had a situation at the airport flying out of the country.

MEDIA GUY: What happened?

RS: There was a man getting on my flight. He only had one arm; just one.

MG: You mean like Dr. Richard Kimble?

RS: No, nothing like that. But he only had one arm. The arm, right at the shoulder, completely gone. No nub, no nothing. 

MG: Were you in danger?

RS: Quite the opposite. I’m watching him get on the plan, and all I could think was, “Please let me sit next to him.”

MG: Did you?

RS: I did! Wrong side. 

Believe me when I tell you he fought for the armrest! He fought for it. I can’t believe he didn’t want the window seat. Ruuuuuuuuude.

MG: How rude was he?

RS: I said to myself, “Oh great, I guess it’s my job to help with someone’s oxygen mask.” Then about half way through the flight, he said “do you know what the dinner is?” To which I replied, “cheese ravioli or braised chicken. Say if you get the chicken do I have to help you cut it?” He was taken aback, so I decided to make small talk. “Are you a big Def Leppard fan?”

Rick Allen aka the one-armed Def Leppard drummer.

MG: You didn’t…

RS: I did! But this is where I lucked out, because the one-armed man was not into chit-chat and that’s a good thing because if he wanted to introduce himself [chuckles] I was not shaking that hand. Because chances are…it’s not very clean.

MG: Oh my.

RS: No, that’s not a disgusting joke. I mean how do you wash one hand? That’s all I’m asking how do you do it? You get a little soap and then what? How do you get the back? How do you scrub the knuckles?

You’re looking at me funny? I just want a few answers and I’m tired of the judgment.

MG: There’s no judgment really…

RS: The one-armed man is a tricky situation and I know what you’re thinking. We’re quick to label.  We’re very quick to label as a country.  Like you steal a few office supplies, now all of the sudden you’re “unemployed.” You refused to pay for sex, now you’re that “broke honky.” You forget to pull out one time and now you’re the “father.”

MG: So you’re saying beware of one-armed men on airline flights?

RS: I know you want to clap for me right now for bringing this thinking to light. But the one-armed people don’t like the clapping. They give it one-thumbs-down. That’s the lowest score you can give.

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Honestly that was the funniest, politically incorrect conversation I’ve had in a decade. I laughed all the way to the AMAs. Here’s a few highlights…a link to the story that was filed (sorry I was a photographer only) and link to my photography handiwork. 

My AMA badge I posted on my Instagram account.

Miley Cyrus came in like a wrecking ball with her pops, looking mighty sharp.

 See all my pictures on Instagram by following me here.

Monica: The Proofreader

Typos give me nightmares. 
Really they do. 

In my early days as the PR Guy, you would have to get your news releases printed at an offset printing facility. You would have to collate multiple pages together, staple the pages neatly in the upper left hand corner, make a tight z-fold and stuff them into an envelope and mail them out to the media. I did this quite a bit for the Lakers and Jack Kent Cooke in the early seventies as a kid. (If you want these details, you’ll have to buy the book, literally!) Yet I digress as usual.

Anyway…If you noticed a typo, you would have to re-type your work and deliver the new manuscript to the printer and wait for a day for a reprint. It was expensive and your entire release schedule would be blown.

Today, big agencies employ proofreaders who read copy all day long. That’s all they do. They check for typos, grammatical mistakes, and general copy screw-ups. I used to do that. I was pretty good at. Still am. But, it’s a real drag. And the worst part is, it’s nearly impossible to proofread your own work.

Monica? You may never know. She's undercover.

This blog has a proofreader. Her code name is Monica. I’m on my third Monica, much like Roy Rogers had a bunch of Triggers and Elizabeth Taylor had husbands. I still get nightmares about typos and when I get a text or an email from a reader pointing out a typo, my face sports the ass of the baboon (meaning I turn bright red). I don’t get mad at Monica. After all, you get what you pay for; in this case: nothing.

She’s a great lady. Fun, passionate about her work, and damn smart. She’s undercover and never shows herself to the world. With that in mind, I thought it would be fun to let her vent about proofreading and her life analyzing words.

MEDIA GUY: What happened to the long lost art of proofreading and editing? I've seen so many spelling errors on major news sites it saddens me. It wasn't this bad when most of the news was via the newspaper.

MONICA the PROOFREADER: They say in outer space, no one can hear you scream.  And in cyberspace, no one can hear you screech: “Typo!” The Internet is all about speed of spreading the word. Grammar, sentence structure and typos take a backseat in the mad dash to promote ourselves often and early.

MG: When did proofreading become a non-starter?

MtP: Let’s blame the Internet. Everyone else does. Proofreading become a neglected skill and an unnecessarily expensive and time-consuming step.  It is to the 21st century what blacksmithing was to the 19th. Of course, typographical errors online come in a variety of flavors.  I may flinch when I stumble on one in the New York Times online or in print, but I acknowledge that it’s the price I pay to get reasonably good reporting on the 24/7 Internet clock.  I make the same allowances for the comments I read online attached to e-Commerce product pages or news site articles, now that I know there are thousands who think the verb “to lose” is spelled “to loose” or that “disappointed” packs two ses and two ps or two ses and one p.

MG: Please don’t get me started because English orthography is a bitch.

MtP: Still, you’d think that image-conscious businesses or government agencies would take a slightly fussier stance.  Spelling stuff wrong on an authorized web site or official communication suggests haste or carelessness or indifference.  Those aren’t impressions you want to leave on customers or constituents. But there’s a cost to correctness and clearly it’s too high for some entities in the information business.

MG: Has a typo of yours ever gotten you into trouble?

MtP: I have, and it wasn’t anything obvious! I sent an email to a colleague / ex-boyfriend. It was innocuous, but I signed it with a wink. That’s a simple semi colon and a parenthesis.  Big deal, you say. I say it too. However, I meant to sign it with a smile—that’s a colon and a parenthesis. So long story short, I created this all-day fight for him and his trashy new girlfriend—honest it was really a mistake ;) — all over a semi-colon.

Who would have guessed the semi-colon would have that effect on a life? I mean it’s been sitting on the keyboard since the invention of it. Barely working. Barely making ends meet. Every now and again it would have to work in a bibliography just to pay the rent. But you have to give the semi-colon credit, don’t you? It’s a persistent punctuation mark who never gave up.

MG: Yet you digress…

MtP: Yes, sorry. You get me all revved up over copy! Anyway, he found his way into this argument and, you know, if it had been a colon -- with both eyes open -- and a parenthesis, it would have been a smiley face and not a problem. So a simple typo and it became a wink and she told him, “You’re still sleeping with her aren’t you?”

“Or her shift button is broken…” he said.

The semi-colon. The bastard child of the period and the comma. “Ah, some day,” the semi-colon must have said. You know, it literally has to look up to the colon. There it is below the colon on the keyboard staring up at it all day long biding its time. I can see it saying “Someday, I’ll separate email addresses and independent clauses and screw up budding relationships.”

The semi-colon is very powerful. Get a wink at the wrong time of the day and it’s on. That never happens with an exclamation point. You could say it’s the Viagra of grammar.

MG: What’s the worst editor you have ever had to work with?

MtP: I had a boss that used to keep me late a lot. When I would hand in my work he always tell me in a creepy voice, “"When God closes a door, he opens a dress." Yeah, real nice.

MGS: What are some of the biggest mistakes you noticed recently?

MtP: The list is endless. Here are a few:

At a United Kingdom McDonald’s—Yes, grammar issues give me incontinence as well:

Another Walmart home run:

An unnamed framing store:

This is quite a gaff:

MG: What’s the feeling you get when you really crank out a good edit?

MtP: Have you ever had sex so good you say to yourself “someone is going to have a heart attack right here”? That’s the euphoria you get when you catch a really out-of-the-way mistake.