Search This Blog

Thursday, February 14, 2019

Dealing with Bears and the Eisenhower Decision Matrix

Okay so where am I?

How you ever been in the middle of the innocuous RFP (Request For Proposal) process? Well, I have and it's alternatively intense, ridiculous, mind-numbing, and about eight other adjectives that I cannot list here.

I love getting new business. It breathes life into the agency. It's great for the bottom line. It rewards the soul if you can produce some Big Ideas and generate success. But the process of creating the RFP and submitting it is a real bear. Like the bear* from The Revenant. The process can eat you alive mentally.

Why? Because just when you think you are ready to collect your entire presentation and merge it one complete document, it chases you down again like the bear** in The Edge. The worst part of the entire game is that a) you don't know if the fix is in with the companies offering the RFP, and b) your staff assembling your response to the RFP will tell you that everything is urgent and everything is important.

Now while the struggle of point "A" is definitely a real, most of us ban manage point "b" with a little technique I learned decades ago in college (yes, I am old...) called The Eisenhower Decision Matrix. You're probably saying, "Wow, that's a mouthful; The Eisenhower Decision Matrix. What is it?"

The Eisenhower Decision Matrix is how to distinguish between urgent and important tasks and make some real progress in your daily projects. If you're a manager—or aspire to be—I'm sure that  sometimes feel like you spend the majority of your time managing crises. I bet you feel like your life is spent putting out one proverbial fire after another. At the end of it all you are completely zapped and drained of energy. Some days you look up and can’t point to anything you tangibly accomplished.

This is where The Eisenhower Decision Matrix can benefit you more then you know. Here's the philosophy crux:


I've written before leadership lessons that came from Attila the Hun and now I want to add Dwight D. Eisenhower to the mix. This principle of this matrix guided him through his entire, hugely successful career as general and president:
“What is important is seldom urgent and what is urgent is seldom important.”
So what's the difference between "urgent" and "important"?

Urgent means that a task requires immediate attention. These are the to-do’s that scream “Now!” Urgent tasks put us in a reactive mode, one that is ultimately marked by a defensive, negative, hurried, and narrowly-focused mindset.

Important tasks are things that contribute to our long-term mission, values, and goals. Sometimes these tasks are also urgent, but usually they aren't. When we focus on important activities we operate in a responsive mode, which helps us remain calm, rational, and open to new opportunities.

It’s a fairly intuitive distinction, yet most of us frequently fall into the trap of believing that all urgent activities are also important. This is because our evolutionary ancestors centered in on on short-term concerns rather than long-term strategy. Maybe that's because a charging saber-toothed lion could mean the difference between life and death.

Because of the 24-hour news cycle, we are constantly bombarded with information that has only heightened this deeply engrained mindset. We experience “present shock” – a condition in which “we live in a continuous, always-on ‘now’” and lose our sense of long-term narrative and direction. In this state of being, it's easy to lose sight of the distinction between the truly important and the merely urgent.

The consequences of this priority-blindness is the primary cause of burnout and stagnation and on a broader level our culture is unable to solve the truly important problems of our time.

Business thinker Stephen Covey popularized the Eisenhower’s Decision Principle in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, where he a decision matrix to help individuals make the distinction between what’s important and not important and what’s urgent and not urgent. The matrix consists of a square divided into four quadrants:

  1. Urgent/Important, 
  2. Not Urgent/Important
  3. Urgent/Not Important, and,
  4. Not Urgent/Not Important:

If you need extensive tutorials on the four quadrants, you should really buy the book (here's the link; only $5.44 on your Kindle), but for my purposes, I'll break them down quickly.


  • Quadrant 1—With a some rudimentary planning and organization, many Q1 tasks can be made more efficient or even eliminated outright. For example, instead of waiting until the last minute to work on an RFP (thus turning it into an urgent task), you could schedule your time so that you’re done a week in advance. 
  • Quadrant 2—We should seek to spend most of our time on these activities, as they’re the ones that provide us lasting happiness, fulfillment, and success. Unfortunately, present bias challenges that keep us from investing enough time and energy into Q2 tasks. We all have an inclination to focus on whatever is most pressing at the moment and make this our default mode. It’s hard to get motivated to do something when there isn’t a deadline looming over our head. Departing from this fallback position takes willpower and self-discipline. 
  • Quadrant 3—These tasks require our attention now (urgent), but don’t help us achieve our goals or fulfill our mission (not important). Most Q3 tasks are interruptions from other people and often involve helping them meet their own goals and fulfill their own priorities. They're important to others, they’re not important to you. They need to be balanced with your Q2 activities or you'll go crazy.
  • Quadrant 4—These aren’t urgent and not important. This is goofing around work . The kinds of work Prince sung about in "Raspberry Beret": "I was working part time in a five-and-dime / My boss was Mr. McGee / He told me several times that he didn't like my kind / 'Cause I was a bit too leisurely / Seems that I was busy doing something close to nothing / But different than the day before." If you specialize in Quadrant 4, you won't work for me long.

In our present shock world, the ability to filter the signal from the noise, or distinguish between what’s urgent and what’s truly important, is an essential skill to have. So now, you'll have to pardon me because we have to make FedEx by 4:30 P.M. to get this RFP overnighted to make tomorrow's 2:00 P.M. deadline.

-------

World’s Worst RFP - A brilliant play on the entire RFP / Spec Work game:

Zulu Alpha Kilo takes on the RFP world with their "World’s Worst RFP" where they extend the conversation to the RFP and pitch process for both clients and agencies alike.


* - The Revenant Bear Attack:


** - The Edge Bear Chase:




Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Behind the Curtain: A Peek at the KHL

Repping the great Ilya Kolvachuk at a KHL game will earn you mad props. © Michael Lloyd
I took a wild trip to Moscow to get up close with Russian hockey. I wound up meeting Igor...read on!

While we wait for the boys to return from the combination All-Star break and mandatory five-day bye week to continue their #PlayoffPush / #LoseForHughes games, here’s a little excerpt from my KHL Moscow trip.

By now, most of the loyal Perspectives readers know a few things about me.

  1. I don’t like the interim Kings coach (professionally, not personally).
  2. I’m not a sportswriter (...okay let the jokes begin...at least I’m passionate about giving you 1,000 words of weekly contrarian opinion).
  3. I made my living for the last 30+ years in the marketing and advertising worlds.

So why the buildup today? I felt it was important to let you know these things before briefly jumping into my intrepid journey in Russia covering the Kontinental Hockey League for an upcoming book I’m writing about sports marketing in Europe.

When the call came in October to travel to Moscow for a few days in and around Red Square to visit the periphery of the current CSKA Moscow team, I was a little hesitant. “Why” you ask?

Well...

Back in the nineties, Romania called. Literally, the country called. The economic development minister guided me over to CSP UM Timişoara, an also-ran in the Romanian Futbol League. I was signed to a nice six-figure contract to lay out the marketing plan and roll it out to the country. Long story short, after selling out the first (and last) game due in large part to my advertising campaign, the Romanian mafia who financed the club asked me to leave “Godfather-style” and promptly bankrupted the team.

At the time, the appeal of Europe for media and marketing was growing by leaps and bounds and it definitely makes sense. If you know your stuff and you can deliver smooth ideas and polished programs, you’re all set for a cushy life. It worked out for some. For me, that was my only attempt to “make it” in Europe.

So when my book editor arranged for a flight and a visa to Moscow, who was I to say no? I mean, who could refuse such an assignment? After all, this club was the home of all of those legendary Red Army players who dominated the world scene before the collapse of the Soviet Union: Slava Fetisov, Pavel Bure, Alexei Kasatonov, the KLM Line (Vladimir Krutov, Igor Larionov, and Sergei Makarov), Sergei Federov, Boris Mikhailov, Vladislav Tretiak...I could go on and on. They all played there.

Over the years, the KHL has earned a reputation as a wild and crazy place replete with heat-packing team owners, paper bag cash payments for players and staff, intense eight-week training camps, and a penchant for creating scandal you might expect only from a Netflix movie. This notwithstanding, since being founded in 2008 under the tutelage of Russian President Vladimir Putin, the KHL has solidified itself as the world’s second-best hockey league.

So, after securing a commitment to gain entry into Russia and very little else, I hunkered down into research mode. My research uncovered 25 teams spread across eight countries and two continents. I discovered a league that possesses a trove of talent most North Americans have never heard of and never will see. My goal quickly began to gain some sort of access to left winger Kirill Kaprizov and goalie Ilya Sorokin. In case you missed it, Kaprizov dominated at the 2018 PyeongChang Olympics, notching nine points (5G, 4A) in six games played, while being the darling of KHL hockey. Sorokin was drafted by the Islanders as an 18-year-old. Through 34 games backstopping CSKA Moscow, he sports a 23-6-3 record with a 1.25 GAA and a .937 save percentage to go with eight shutouts.


I jumped on the international Stubhub site to grab a pair of CSKA Moscow tickets for the December 28th game versus defending Gagarin Cup* champs Ak Bars. I quickly charged the $78 for the tickets in first seven rows, including fees, and even though Citibank put a fraud alert on my card for 48 hours because of the Russia charges, I was feeling pretty, pretty good.

* - Speaking of the Gagarin Cup, much like the Stanley Cup we all love and revere, the KHL has its own sweet story for their championship trophy. The KHL hardware is named for cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin. He’s the first human to venture into space and was proclaimed as the “hero of the Soviet Union” by Nikita Khrushchev. Gagarin died in a plane crash nearly eight years after his space odyssey. He is entombed at the Kremlin.

I arrived to Moscow on Christmas Day (I know, I know; how Rocky IV of me) and after a VIP tour of the Kremlin, Red Square, and St. Basil’s Cathedral, along with a trip to Saint Petersburg, it was finally game day. Nothing could slow my enthusiasm. Not the snow or three-degree temperatures or even a snobby cab driver who lectured me about the “corrupt league where the banned doctors practice.” Misjudging the right time to get there, I was at the CSKA Ice Arena well ahead of the 7:30 match time, beating even the most of the security staff.

CKSA Ice Arena
Just to the west of the parking booth and gate was the one open door: the media entrance. There were cameramen and suited talking heads meandering through, so I decided to put my international press card into play. It came in handy here as I flashed it liberally to get through to the hallway leading to the locker rooms. This is where my plans to interview Kirill Kaprizov and/or Ilya Sorokin hit a brick wall. No, not a real brick wall, but rather Igor.

Who was Igor? He was simply a human that was thicker and stronger than any brick wall. Each bicep had a circumference that was easily more than my skull and his hands looked like could they crush my skull just like The Mountain did to the Viper in Game of Thrones. Nonetheless, I didn’t memorize five questions in Russian for my interview to be turned away by Igor.

At first, Igor laughed at me and scoffed at my international press card that dated my current salt and pepper style by at least ten years. Then he had me frisked by his colleague, who was easily the most terrifying man whomever guarded a hockey arena.

As soon as I tried to out-clever the duo, the conversation kicked in.

“Listen Mr. Michael,” he growled, “I don’t care how far you travel to meet our great players. No CSKA (pronounced “siska”) Moscow media card. No blonde hair. No cute smile. No enter my arena. Only Cowboy Reagan has chance to get here.”

To which I replied, “Reagan has been dead for years. Are you saying a dead man has a better chance than me to get in?”

That produced three giant belly laughs that lasted well over a minute. I earned some goodwill and bought myself some time but alas, no locker room entry and interviews were forthcoming. Seems that Igor was (purportedly) former KGB and didn’t catch on with the FSB (which succeeded the KGB). He knocked around the nightclub scene and even called in some favors to work security detail for some high-ranking dancers at the Bolshoi before landing on the hockey scene. Now he calls the KHL home and takes his work more seriously than anything he ever did at the KGB.

What I did win was a new friend in Igor and some ridiculous stories of the early KHL and Russia Superleague days.

During the 2004-05 NHL lockout, Ak Bars put together a squad that included 11 NHL players; among them were Ilya Kovalchuk, Dany Heatley, Alexei Kovalev, Vincent Lecavalier, and Brad Richards. “Here we try win championship for mighty Kazan’s 1000th anniversary,” Igor recalls. “We have giant payroll. But you know what they don’t have? There were no towels, locker room attendants, or drinks after games. Maybe that’s why lost in the first round of the playoffs.”

I learned about the practice of bazas. It’s a cultural thing where teams bunker down in desolate, rural buildings before important games and playoff series. Igor explained: “One club I was with put us in middle of nowhere. Mr. Michael, this is not a figure of speech. This baza is not on fancy Google Maps. As matter of fact, no map was ever created for this. It was an old, crumbling factory that have dormitories for workers. It was 35 kilometers from anything. Anything. Except forest. Forest was for training and there was tree for all of us. The coaching staff make everyone climb a tree before breakfast was served. Even staff.”

I dared to ask him why he’s been with so many clubs (this is his seventh in 15 years). “Many teams are very late in paying people,” Igor reports. “They would go months without paying us and then they would pay in plain box in cash. Of course there would be ‘taxes’ already taken from the cash. For players, this is fine because they don’t live payday to payday. But us ex-KGB guys need regular payments. You wonder if you ever get paid.”

As 7:30 approached, Igor reminded me that I wasn’t getting in. We had a good time trading NHL and KHL stories. We exchanged contact information and Twitter handles. He helped me bypass the giant staircase leading to the security entrances. I was safe after all having been patted down better than any TSA in the world. It was time to see what the KHL game was actually like.

Every aisle, in every section, has two cheerleaders with pom poms. During stoppages they all perform in sync with each other in perfect synergy.
I wound up sitting next to Anatoly who, as a former official at the United Nations, was a former season ticket holder of the New York Rangers. He was there in 1994 when the Rangers won their first Stanley Cup in 50 years and he was in Kazan in 2017 when Ak Bars won the Gagarin Cup. I was told that the principal dissimilarity between the NHL and KHL is the pressure of the season. At only 60 games, there are few nights, if any, where you can take the night off. Teams don’t have the luxury to give away wins (worth three points when earned in regulation). Ownership fires coaches left and right. “Everyone is George Steinbrenner here,” Anatoly brags.

The style of play grabs you from the start. The surface is Olympic-sized so the players can move around and you can feel the skill. There’s very little dump and chase. You can see the roots of Russian hockey on display at all times. The spirit of the legendary Anatoli Tarasov, “the father of Russian ice hockey”, lives. He taught his players what he learned observing the Bolshoi Ballet, transferred it to hockey, and gave rise to creativity so the improvisational could flourish.

Tonight, CSKA Moscow hardly let AK Bars touch the puck for two periods, outshooting them 30-8 and tripling their attack time. If they couldn’t carry the puck into the zone, they would regroup three, four, five times before entering the zone. Each pass was crisp, hitting the tape without error. It all about puck possession.

And the fan experience?

“It’s wildly entertaining,” says Anatoly. "The fans are fun to watch. Cheerleaders are fun to watch. The kids bring signs and hold them up through the game, all game. There’s booster clubs left and right with special cheers. People aren’t sitting on their hands, they’re really into it. Also CSKA has not one, but two mascots—a horse and a star.”

As the horn sounded to end the final period, CSKA Moscow cruised to a 4-2 win. Maybe I witnessed the future 2019 Gagarin Cup champion here tonight. And my would-be interview? I guess I was scooped:


----

Note: This column originally appeared on Jewels From the Crown, January 28, 2019

Monday, February 4, 2019

The Best and the Worst of the Super Bowl LIII Commercials

Okay, so where am I?

Let's just say that Tom Brady and Bill Belichick chased down their record-breaking sixth Super Bowl crown. That should narrow it all down.

On Sunday, huge brands like Budweiser and Pepsi once again spent millions of dollars from their advertising budgets in the hopes of catching your attention during what should be the year’s most-watched television event. While the ratings were the lowest since 2009, the numbers still boggle imagination:


If you're a big budget advertiser, those numbers will cost you. How much? CBS charged another boggling number: a record $5.25 million for thirty seconds of airtime. The cost is slightly up from last year’s $5.2 million, and $1 million more than the cost to air a commercial during the 2014 Super Bowl. In just over a decade, the price of the average Super Bowl ad has nearly doubled from a price point of $2.69 million in 2008. If you go all the way back to the first-ever Super Bowl, in 1967, ads cost anywhere from $37,500  to $42,500, while 1995 marked the first year that the average cost crept into the millions, when 30-second ads sold for $1.15 million.

So who scored and who fumbled this year?

WINNERS

Olay
In the company's first Super Bowl ad—a horror-movie spoof featuring scream queen Sarah Michelle Gellar—the product is so good that the slasher wants to discuss her fantastic skin. Some panned it, but it was better than almost anything you'd see on Saturday Night Live.



Amazon
The "Not Everything Makes The Cut" spot is incredible in its comic timing and celebrity cameos. You had me at Harrison's Ford's dog ordering gravy.



The Washington Post
Because knowing empowers us.
Knowing helps us decide.
Knowing keeps us free.

Simply, this spot gave me chills. Simply. Awesome.


Captain Marvel
The Captain Marvel spot was the perfect thing to get the women in the house excited for a super hero movie.


Hyundai
"The Elevator" spot with Jason Bateman (yeah, go binge watch Ozark, like now) showcased everything that is worse than buying a car. Apparently, buying a Hyundai is much better for the soul.



LOSERS

KIA
"Telluride"
Their Super Bowl ad included only people from the town of West Point (who weren't aware this would be used in the big game). I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to be nicer but I spent the first 15 seconds trying to understand what the VO person was saying.


Devour 
"Food Porn"

We all know what Devour was trying to do with the cheekiness of their spot. In the original spot the concerned girlfriend says, "My boyfriend is addicted to frozen food porn." Since you can't say "porn" at the Super Bowl, it was edited to say, "My boyfriend has an addiction." Katy Marshall, one of the marketing people behind the ad, told Yahoo Finance: "Some may say our new commercial is too hot for TV. We'll let the audience decide." Katy, let's just say that no one will be addicted to this ad...and...you should have called the Media Guy before spending $5.25 mill plus production costs.



Turbotax
"RoboChild"
A creepy robot child. Taxes. What could go wrong? Just this:



Burger King
"Andy Warhol"
Who pours ketchup from a bottle onto the crackling paper next to the burger? Who wants to #EatLikeAndy? Who wants to change the channel?



--> -->

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Class of 2018 Media Guy Hall of Shame Inductees

Okay, so where am I?

As you can see on the left, the call of Clio entries has been announced. That means I'm pulling together to campaigns from last year trying to see if I should spend $525 to $1,025 on entry fees to put my best work forward. It's been a while since my last win. Maybe it was easier in the nineties when the wins came fast and furious. A losing streak can surely shake your confidence. That is, until you assess your work over the years and you realize that your campaigns have kicked ass and that ethos has never ebbed and always flowed. Yeah, that's the ticket.

"Gosh, you're so negative."

In the course of doing this work in 2018, I earmarked a whole bunch of campaigns and ads that missed their mark. I don't do that because I'm negative. I do it because the bad ads give you perspective to make great ads. Also, I'm hoping the people who run the companies making low awareness ads will call me. New business of sorts. The pay is good for me and the return on investment for the companies call is is large.

In 2016, I introduced my "You Should Have Called the Media Guy" columns where I basically call out tone-deaf CEOs and Chairmen who don't bother to vet their advertising and lecture them on why a simple call to the Media Guy have saved them millions in bad publicity if they had only let me watch their spots first. The columns are quite popular. Catch up on missed columns here:

I write these columns opening wondering how advertising like this could have possibly made it past their high-paid teams of creatives and then when they do, they double down by spending millions of dollars in ad space to brag how clueless their ads are, tarnishing their brands along the way.

In spite of my well-read columns, there were companies that didn't call and ran whatever felt right to them. Giants like H&M, Heineken, and Dolce and Gabbana proved they could generate some truly awful and ridiculous advertising last year. Hello Chief Marketing Officers: you can't see the forest among the trees. Call me. A small consulting check made out to me could save embarrassment and, also, potentially, your jobs. Swallow your pride and just do it!

So while I covered some bad campaigns in the midst of 2018, here is the complete list of my newest inductees into the Media Guy Hall of Shame:

5. Hong Kong Tourism Board

This from my October 12th Column:
[The ad] left me murmuring to Dr. Lam, Mr. Lau, and the entire Hong Kong Tourism Board: “What were you thinking?” This spot does little else than to embolden emotional abuse in relationships while dressing it up as “romance” and “love.” After watching this, Hong Kong has zippo appeal and would never encourage sane people to visit. 
Want the full story? Click here.


4. Heineken

The Amsterdam-based beer company is nine hours ahead of me, so I can understand their trepidation about calling at odd times, but their "Sometimes, lighter is better." commercial landed the brewer in hot water. The 30-second ad shows a bartender sliding a beer past three patrons, all of whom are African-American, to a lighter-skinned woman. The tag line reads "Sometimes, lighter is better." Yikes!


Chance the Rapper took to Twitter calling it "terribly racist." Thousands agreed.
3. Dolce & Gabbana

RESULT OF THE BAD CAMPAIGN: You think I'm kidding when I say bad advertising costs millions? After co-founder Domenico Dolce apologized to the public, and then was forced to cancel their Shanghai runway show.

WHY TO FUROR?: The luxury fashion line decided that  a marketing campaign full of ethnic stereotypes was their formula for success. The ad shows an Asian model attempting—and failing—to eat various Italian dishes with chopsticks. The public-at-large were outraged over the depiction of Chinese people as lacking refinement and an understanding of culture. That's not to mention the sexually suggestive content.

That was only the start. Following the campaign's launch, Diet Prada, a fashion-focused Instagram account, posted screenshots of an Instagram DM exchange between founder Stefano​ Gabbana and model Michaela Tranova, were Gabbana says "the country of [series of poop emojis] is China," and "China Ignorant Dirty Smelling Mafia." Of course the Diet Prada post went viral and the backlash was immediate. The hashtag #BoycottDolce immediately trended on the Chinese social media site Weibo. 

Click here to watch it on Instagram.

2. H&M

Another one covered in the "You Should Have Called The Media Guy" pages. H&M touted some of its new gear on its website with an image of a young African-American boy modeling a green sweatshirt that included the slogan "Coolest Monkey in the Jungle." 

Former H&M endorser The Weeknd was not impressed. Read my full take.


1. Domino's Pizza

In Russia, Domino's launched "Dominos Forever," a campaign offering 100 free pizzas a year for 100 years to customers who inked their bodies with the brand's logo
.

Hundreds took them up on their offer and got inked and that's when Domino's pivoted, releasing restrictions such as size of the tattoo, as well as a 350-person cap on the offer. The promotion was immediately cancelled. No word on how many people were denied.

Commercial Roast: Peloton

If you’ve ever seen a Peloton workout bike commercial, you've been shamed. How? Why? Take a look at the spot. I promise, it will only take a minute...



Did you notice the overriding themes? Every actor in the the Peloton ad is in great shape. Every actor lives in a better home than you. Every actor chose to make the Peloton workout bike the centerpiece of their better life.

Remember what Renée Zellweger said in Jerry Maguire?:


"It used to be a better meal, now it's a better life." The same applies to the Peloton. "It used to be a better way to workout, now it's a better life." Sure, it’s a commercial, but it might as well be parody, amirite? This past week, @ClueHeywood took to Twitter and did what I couldn't: roasted Reloton and along the way highlighted the absurdity of their ads with a stream of consciousness thread. Bravo Clue Haywood!












Commercial Credits:
Agency:  Partners & Spade
Production Company:  Reset
Directors:  Andre Stringer
Editor:  Arcade Edit / Brad Waskewich
Composer - Steve Lynch
Music company:  Echolab
ECD/Partner: Anthony Sperduti
Creative Director: Griffin Creech
Art Director: Rob Matthews
Executive Producers:  Erika Best & Andy Wilcox
Account Director:  Cristina Fotieo

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

The Worst Fans in Hockey—10 through 1


Note: Part I can be found here.

Part II.

I’m back from the holiday break and what did we learn (or were reminded of) between the trading freeze and today?
  • Drew Doughty is an All Star.
  • The Kings have fantastic goaltending and goalie coaches.
  • Willie D. has no idea how to build team chemistry.
  • The players have goal songs. 
  • Jack Hughes is still in play!
While I was touring Kontinental Hockey League country (column coming next week), my inbox was filling up from those of you who had their own bad fan experiences. So before I get to the worst 10 fans of all time, here are the top email selections from you, the readers:
  • Shirt off guy. Sometimes in the upper upper 300s.
  • The visiting fan entourage who starts chanting their hometown chant.*
  • The guy who gets ice cream all over himself and doesn’t realize it.
  • Sharks Fans who call Kings Fans “bandwagoners.”
  • The Creepy Dance Cam Guy.
  • The guy who thinks he’s a hockey scout.
  • The former college player.
  • The guy sitting 600 feet from the ice who screams at the refs and actually thinks they can hear him over 100 db of Bon Jovi and crowd noise.
* - The only time this actually works is the Freeway Series where Kings fans invade the Honda Center. The “Go Kings Go” is two to three times louder than “Let’s Go Ducks.” Ducks fans may actually be the worst in all of sports. But that’s another column altogether.

And, now on with the countdown…

10. Too Many Beers Guy

Here are the warning signs:

A.) He’s typically a college freshman who hasn’t really figured out the whole drinking thing yet;
B.) He’s usually the shortest guy in his group;
C.) Every TV timeout, he hops up for another round;
D.) He almost always returns to his seat carrying two beers and spilling them all over the place;
E.) He enters a glazed stupor by the second intermission.

9. The Puck Father

You know this guy. He’s near the team benches -- near the spot where the junior equipment folks throw out the pucks before the players emerge for warmups -- practically pleading for pucks and holding his kid up in the air like a hostage.

8. Check-in Guy

Check-in Guy brings his kid to the game and feels the need to call home during every period to check in with his wife. The first call usually unfolds in a sequence like this:
”Hey honey, it’s me…” (Translation: I just wanted to thank you for letting me come to the game.) 
”I can barely hear you!” (Indeed, it’s tough to hear when you’re sitting in an arena with 17,000 other people.) 
”We’re at the game!” (Always said with an inflection, as if it’s an amazing feat to be able to call someone from a hockey game.) 
”It’s great!” (He wouldn’t know if the game’s good or not, because he just sat down and couldn’t allow a few minutes to pass without calling.) 
”Uh-huh, yeah he’s right here.” (It’s important for the wife to know that her husband didn’t lose their child.) 
”I’ll let you talk to him…” (To prove it.)
Every subsequent call pretty much sounds the same. On the bright side, this guy also leaves early because it’s a school night.

7. Stoned Aggressive Guy

He’s a distant cousin to the Too Many Beers Guy. These guys are prepared to offend everyone within earshot of their seats. They’ll catcall your girlfriend, daughter, or sister. They’ll drop random F-bombs. They’ll spill beer on you. They’ll use their middle finger until it hurts. Usually you can spot the SAGs right away, sometimes even before the game starts.

6. Instagram Mom

The first of two callouts to the ladies in my top ten goes to the Instagram Mom. She’s the mom who suddenly decides that she needs to get a picture of her family during the middle of a period so she can post it real time on Instagram. Bonus points are earned here if she’s oblivious enough to ask somebody else in the section to take the picture.

Photo by Jonathan Kozub/NHLI via Getty Images
5. The Obnoxious Guy Rooting for the Visitors

Look, most of us have cheered our home team in an enemy arena; however, there’s a huge disparity between supporting the visitors and provoking the home fans, amirite? The Obnoxious Guy usually wears some form of opposing paraphernalia (usually a sweater, sometimes a hat), shouts out unintelligent nicknames for his players, claps his hands repulsively, curses and flashes his middle finger towards the ice, and does everything imaginable to exasperate people in his section. He blossoms when he does it.

4. Flirty Fans

Hockey has a spectacle where some women make “Marry Me” or double-entendre signs directed at players and stand at the glass during warmups, garnering a lot of attention on social media these days. You see that a lot on the Eastern time zones, not so much in the West.


3. Work Buddies

Listen, going with work buddies is excellent team building and camaraderie. But pick your seatmates wisely because three out of five of your work buddies have no interest in the game and we all suffer. They’re sitting in the company seats. Sometimes wearing suits or a blazer over jeans. They’re nursing a single beer over two periods. They’re discussing work-related projects. They still think Canadians say “Eh?” every two seconds. They’re not afraid to tell a story from that other hockey game they went to eight years ago and they definitely plan on leaving before the end of the game to “beat the traffic.”

As an added punch in the stomach, they usually have great seats. The world just isn’t fair. Don’t confuse this guy with Game Date Guy. Game Date Guy brings his budding relationship to her first hockey game and tries to show her why hockey is the greatest game on earth. That guy is just plain awesome.

2. Cotton Candy Guy

This is the guy who orders something from a strolling vendor during a critical penalty kill. He doesn’t just order, he stands up to take his wallet out and decides if it’s going to be a twenty or a ten he is going to pay with. He remains standing, unaware, until someone gives him the “DOWN IN FRONT!” and forces him into the half-standing, half-crouch position. Goodness gracious, sakes alive, I hate this guy.

Odd Fact #1: This guy is always firmly planted in the middle of a row, which means everyone needs to pass both the cash and the purchased item back and forth. If you want everyone in your section to hate you with every fiber of their being, start here.

Odd Fact #2: Cotton Candy Guy usually pulls double duty as Check-in Guy. If you ever notice Check-in Guy at the start of a game, buckle up for the vendor/wallet fiasco at some point. Trust me here.

1. Cell Phone Guy

The guy sitting on the glass right behind the goal who talks excitedly on his cell phone and executes those “Hey, look at me!” waves during every scrum behind the net. Cell phones at the game is the worst phenomenon of the technology century, especially the dude who wants to showcase what he can do to disrupt the game experience from his $750 seat.

-------

That wraps up the top ten. I am sure I missed some, so feel free to write in with your own. In the countdown world, I think I’m supposed to quote the immortal Casey Kasem and remind you to “Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.”

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

How's Life?

Okay, so where am I?

Happy New Year from the desk of the Media Guy Struggles!

I'm currently on assignment in the former Communist Bloc countries covering the Kontinential Hockey League. It will be a fun series of articles once I am done. For now, I have been all around Russia and in subsequent days I'll take some vacation (?) in Bulgaria and Romania.

I'm a little nervous about Romania, considering the last time I was there I was "asked" to leave the country by the local mafia I wound up working for at the time. In case you missed my article back in 2011 (and I know most of you did), here's a tip of the hat to the first time I was tossed from the arms of Bucharest. Could be a good book in this column. (Hint hint, Penguin Books USA!)

Yet, I digress...

I was asked today, of course, what my New Year's Resolutions will be.

I went with the usual: a) workout more, b) be more patient, and c) drink less coffee. I also went with the unusual: Get people to stop asking others, “So, How's Life?”

Small talk ain't easy. Making an attempt at it takes perseverance and some courage. I mean you have to work with people so small talk is critical to your success and it’s not easy.

“So, How's Life?” is comparable to asking children how their day was. Common replies include “same-same,” “the usual,” and of course, a rushed pirouette out of the room.

It makes sense. The infinite possibilities are brain busters, and the dialogue concludes before it could begin.

Just because everyone does it, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a great idea. In fact, the contrary is probably true. If everyone does it, it probably stinks. As evidence, I present college loans, buying cars fresh off the assembly line, and cheating on your taxes.

Look, I fumbled the small talk routine all the time, too. It’s simple to autopilot this stuff. But if you give a little extra sweat equity, you’ll find that your relationships at work and at home will flourish.

THOUGHT-INDUCING QUESTIONS TO ASK NEXT TIME:
  • What was the best part of your weekend?
  • What was the worst part of your weekend?
  • Would you rather have the ability to spot every lie, or never be lied to again?
  • Brutal weather today, right?
  • What movie should I watch next?
  • Trump, huh?
  • Why do you reheat fish in the microwave?
  • How old were you when you lost your sense of smell?
  • What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?
  • Do you even understand what I’m capable of?
Give it a whirl and let me know how it goes.