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Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Class of 2018 Media Guy Hall of Shame Inductees

Okay, so where am I?

As you can see on the left, the call of Clio entries has been announced. That means I'm pulling together to campaigns from last year trying to see if I should spend $525 to $1,025 on entry fees to put my best work forward. It's been a while since my last win. Maybe it was easier in the nineties when the wins came fast and furious. A losing streak can surely shake your confidence. That is, until you assess your work over the years and you realize that your campaigns have kicked ass and that ethos has never ebbed and always flowed. Yeah, that's the ticket.

"Gosh, you're so negative."

In the course of doing this work in 2018, I earmarked a whole bunch of campaigns and ads that missed their mark. I don't do that because I'm negative. I do it because the bad ads give you perspective to make great ads. Also, I'm hoping the people who run the companies making low awareness ads will call me. New business of sorts. The pay is good for me and the return on investment for the companies call is is large.

In 2016, I introduced my "You Should Have Called the Media Guy" columns where I basically call out tone-deaf CEOs and Chairmen who don't bother to vet their advertising and lecture them on why a simple call to the Media Guy have saved them millions in bad publicity if they had only let me watch their spots first. The columns are quite popular. Catch up on missed columns here:

I write these columns opening wondering how advertising like this could have possibly made it past their high-paid teams of creatives and then when they do, they double down by spending millions of dollars in ad space to brag how clueless their ads are, tarnishing their brands along the way.

In spite of my well-read columns, there were companies that didn't call and ran whatever felt right to them. Giants like H&M, Heineken, and Dolce and Gabbana proved they could generate some truly awful and ridiculous advertising last year. Hello Chief Marketing Officers: you can't see the forest among the trees. Call me. A small consulting check made out to me could save embarrassment and, also, potentially, your jobs. Swallow your pride and just do it!

So while I covered some bad campaigns in the midst of 2018, here is the complete list of my newest inductees into the Media Guy Hall of Shame:

5. Hong Kong Tourism Board

This from my October 12th Column:
[The ad] left me murmuring to Dr. Lam, Mr. Lau, and the entire Hong Kong Tourism Board: “What were you thinking?” This spot does little else than to embolden emotional abuse in relationships while dressing it up as “romance” and “love.” After watching this, Hong Kong has zippo appeal and would never encourage sane people to visit. 
Want the full story? Click here.


4. Heineken

The Amsterdam-based beer company is nine hours ahead of me, so I can understand their trepidation about calling at odd times, but their "Sometimes, lighter is better." commercial landed the brewer in hot water. The 30-second ad shows a bartender sliding a beer past three patrons, all of whom are African-American, to a lighter-skinned woman. The tag line reads "Sometimes, lighter is better." Yikes!


Chance the Rapper took to Twitter calling it "terribly racist." Thousands agreed.
3. Dolce & Gabbana

RESULT OF THE BAD CAMPAIGN: You think I'm kidding when I say bad advertising costs millions? After co-founder Domenico Dolce apologized to the public, and then was forced to cancel their Shanghai runway show.

WHY TO FUROR?: The luxury fashion line decided that  a marketing campaign full of ethnic stereotypes was their formula for success. The ad shows an Asian model attempting—and failing—to eat various Italian dishes with chopsticks. The public-at-large were outraged over the depiction of Chinese people as lacking refinement and an understanding of culture. That's not to mention the sexually suggestive content.

That was only the start. Following the campaign's launch, Diet Prada, a fashion-focused Instagram account, posted screenshots of an Instagram DM exchange between founder Stefano​ Gabbana and model Michaela Tranova, were Gabbana says "the country of [series of poop emojis] is China," and "China Ignorant Dirty Smelling Mafia." Of course the Diet Prada post went viral and the backlash was immediate. The hashtag #BoycottDolce immediately trended on the Chinese social media site Weibo. 

Click here to watch it on Instagram.

2. H&M

Another one covered in the "You Should Have Called The Media Guy" pages. H&M touted some of its new gear on its website with an image of a young African-American boy modeling a green sweatshirt that included the slogan "Coolest Monkey in the Jungle." 

Former H&M endorser The Weeknd was not impressed. Read my full take.


1. Domino's Pizza

In Russia, Domino's launched "Dominos Forever," a campaign offering 100 free pizzas a year for 100 years to customers who inked their bodies with the brand's logo
.

Hundreds took them up on their offer and got inked and that's when Domino's pivoted, releasing restrictions such as size of the tattoo, as well as a 350-person cap on the offer. The promotion was immediately cancelled. No word on how many people were denied.

Commercial Roast: Peloton

If you’ve ever seen a Peloton workout bike commercial, you've been shamed. How? Why? Take a look at the spot. I promise, it will only take a minute...



Did you notice the overriding themes? Every actor in the the Peloton ad is in great shape. Every actor lives in a better home than you. Every actor chose to make the Peloton workout bike the centerpiece of their better life.

Remember what Renée Zellweger said in Jerry Maguire?:


"It used to be a better meal, now it's a better life." The same applies to the Peloton. "It used to be a better way to workout, now it's a better life." Sure, it’s a commercial, but it might as well be parody, amirite? This past week, @ClueHeywood took to Twitter and did what I couldn't: roasted Reloton and along the way highlighted the absurdity of their ads with a stream of consciousness thread. Bravo Clue Haywood!












Commercial Credits:
Agency:  Partners & Spade
Production Company:  Reset
Directors:  Andre Stringer
Editor:  Arcade Edit / Brad Waskewich
Composer - Steve Lynch
Music company:  Echolab
ECD/Partner: Anthony Sperduti
Creative Director: Griffin Creech
Art Director: Rob Matthews
Executive Producers:  Erika Best & Andy Wilcox
Account Director:  Cristina Fotieo

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

The Worst Fans in Hockey—10 through 1


Note: Part I can be found here.

Part II.

I’m back from the holiday break and what did we learn (or were reminded of) between the trading freeze and today?
  • Drew Doughty is an All Star.
  • The Kings have fantastic goaltending and goalie coaches.
  • Willie D. has no idea how to build team chemistry.
  • The players have goal songs. 
  • Jack Hughes is still in play!
While I was touring Kontinental Hockey League country (column coming next week), my inbox was filling up from those of you who had their own bad fan experiences. So before I get to the worst 10 fans of all time, here are the top email selections from you, the readers:
  • Shirt off guy. Sometimes in the upper upper 300s.
  • The visiting fan entourage who starts chanting their hometown chant.*
  • The guy who gets ice cream all over himself and doesn’t realize it.
  • Sharks Fans who call Kings Fans “bandwagoners.”
  • The Creepy Dance Cam Guy.
  • The guy who thinks he’s a hockey scout.
  • The former college player.
  • The guy sitting 600 feet from the ice who screams at the refs and actually thinks they can hear him over 100 db of Bon Jovi and crowd noise.
* - The only time this actually works is the Freeway Series where Kings fans invade the Honda Center. The “Go Kings Go” is two to three times louder than “Let’s Go Ducks.” Ducks fans may actually be the worst in all of sports. But that’s another column altogether.

And, now on with the countdown…

10. Too Many Beers Guy

Here are the warning signs:

A.) He’s typically a college freshman who hasn’t really figured out the whole drinking thing yet;
B.) He’s usually the shortest guy in his group;
C.) Every TV timeout, he hops up for another round;
D.) He almost always returns to his seat carrying two beers and spilling them all over the place;
E.) He enters a glazed stupor by the second intermission.

9. The Puck Father

You know this guy. He’s near the team benches -- near the spot where the junior equipment folks throw out the pucks before the players emerge for warmups -- practically pleading for pucks and holding his kid up in the air like a hostage.

8. Check-in Guy

Check-in Guy brings his kid to the game and feels the need to call home during every period to check in with his wife. The first call usually unfolds in a sequence like this:
”Hey honey, it’s me…” (Translation: I just wanted to thank you for letting me come to the game.) 
”I can barely hear you!” (Indeed, it’s tough to hear when you’re sitting in an arena with 17,000 other people.) 
”We’re at the game!” (Always said with an inflection, as if it’s an amazing feat to be able to call someone from a hockey game.) 
”It’s great!” (He wouldn’t know if the game’s good or not, because he just sat down and couldn’t allow a few minutes to pass without calling.) 
”Uh-huh, yeah he’s right here.” (It’s important for the wife to know that her husband didn’t lose their child.) 
”I’ll let you talk to him…” (To prove it.)
Every subsequent call pretty much sounds the same. On the bright side, this guy also leaves early because it’s a school night.

7. Stoned Aggressive Guy

He’s a distant cousin to the Too Many Beers Guy. These guys are prepared to offend everyone within earshot of their seats. They’ll catcall your girlfriend, daughter, or sister. They’ll drop random F-bombs. They’ll spill beer on you. They’ll use their middle finger until it hurts. Usually you can spot the SAGs right away, sometimes even before the game starts.

6. Instagram Mom

The first of two callouts to the ladies in my top ten goes to the Instagram Mom. She’s the mom who suddenly decides that she needs to get a picture of her family during the middle of a period so she can post it real time on Instagram. Bonus points are earned here if she’s oblivious enough to ask somebody else in the section to take the picture.

Photo by Jonathan Kozub/NHLI via Getty Images
5. The Obnoxious Guy Rooting for the Visitors

Look, most of us have cheered our home team in an enemy arena; however, there’s a huge disparity between supporting the visitors and provoking the home fans, amirite? The Obnoxious Guy usually wears some form of opposing paraphernalia (usually a sweater, sometimes a hat), shouts out unintelligent nicknames for his players, claps his hands repulsively, curses and flashes his middle finger towards the ice, and does everything imaginable to exasperate people in his section. He blossoms when he does it.

4. Flirty Fans

Hockey has a spectacle where some women make “Marry Me” or double-entendre signs directed at players and stand at the glass during warmups, garnering a lot of attention on social media these days. You see that a lot on the Eastern time zones, not so much in the West.


3. Work Buddies

Listen, going with work buddies is excellent team building and camaraderie. But pick your seatmates wisely because three out of five of your work buddies have no interest in the game and we all suffer. They’re sitting in the company seats. Sometimes wearing suits or a blazer over jeans. They’re nursing a single beer over two periods. They’re discussing work-related projects. They still think Canadians say “Eh?” every two seconds. They’re not afraid to tell a story from that other hockey game they went to eight years ago and they definitely plan on leaving before the end of the game to “beat the traffic.”

As an added punch in the stomach, they usually have great seats. The world just isn’t fair. Don’t confuse this guy with Game Date Guy. Game Date Guy brings his budding relationship to her first hockey game and tries to show her why hockey is the greatest game on earth. That guy is just plain awesome.

2. Cotton Candy Guy

This is the guy who orders something from a strolling vendor during a critical penalty kill. He doesn’t just order, he stands up to take his wallet out and decides if it’s going to be a twenty or a ten he is going to pay with. He remains standing, unaware, until someone gives him the “DOWN IN FRONT!” and forces him into the half-standing, half-crouch position. Goodness gracious, sakes alive, I hate this guy.

Odd Fact #1: This guy is always firmly planted in the middle of a row, which means everyone needs to pass both the cash and the purchased item back and forth. If you want everyone in your section to hate you with every fiber of their being, start here.

Odd Fact #2: Cotton Candy Guy usually pulls double duty as Check-in Guy. If you ever notice Check-in Guy at the start of a game, buckle up for the vendor/wallet fiasco at some point. Trust me here.

1. Cell Phone Guy

The guy sitting on the glass right behind the goal who talks excitedly on his cell phone and executes those “Hey, look at me!” waves during every scrum behind the net. Cell phones at the game is the worst phenomenon of the technology century, especially the dude who wants to showcase what he can do to disrupt the game experience from his $750 seat.

-------

That wraps up the top ten. I am sure I missed some, so feel free to write in with your own. In the countdown world, I think I’m supposed to quote the immortal Casey Kasem and remind you to “Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.”

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

How's Life?

Okay, so where am I?

Happy New Year from the desk of the Media Guy Struggles!

I'm currently on assignment in the former Communist Bloc countries covering the Kontinential Hockey League. It will be a fun series of articles once I am done. For now, I have been all around Russia and in subsequent days I'll take some vacation (?) in Bulgaria and Romania.

I'm a little nervous about Romania, considering the last time I was there I was "asked" to leave the country by the local mafia I wound up working for at the time. In case you missed my article back in 2011 (and I know most of you did), here's a tip of the hat to the first time I was tossed from the arms of Bucharest. Could be a good book in this column. (Hint hint, Penguin Books USA!)

Yet, I digress...

I was asked today, of course, what my New Year's Resolutions will be.

I went with the usual: a) workout more, b) be more patient, and c) drink less coffee. I also went with the unusual: Get people to stop asking others, “So, How's Life?”

Small talk ain't easy. Making an attempt at it takes perseverance and some courage. I mean you have to work with people so small talk is critical to your success and it’s not easy.

“So, How's Life?” is comparable to asking children how their day was. Common replies include “same-same,” “the usual,” and of course, a rushed pirouette out of the room.

It makes sense. The infinite possibilities are brain busters, and the dialogue concludes before it could begin.

Just because everyone does it, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a great idea. In fact, the contrary is probably true. If everyone does it, it probably stinks. As evidence, I present college loans, buying cars fresh off the assembly line, and cheating on your taxes.

Look, I fumbled the small talk routine all the time, too. It’s simple to autopilot this stuff. But if you give a little extra sweat equity, you’ll find that your relationships at work and at home will flourish.

THOUGHT-INDUCING QUESTIONS TO ASK NEXT TIME:
  • What was the best part of your weekend?
  • What was the worst part of your weekend?
  • Would you rather have the ability to spot every lie, or never be lied to again?
  • Brutal weather today, right?
  • What movie should I watch next?
  • Trump, huh?
  • Why do you reheat fish in the microwave?
  • How old were you when you lost your sense of smell?
  • What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?
  • Do you even understand what I’m capable of?
Give it a whirl and let me know how it goes.

Thursday, December 20, 2018

The Worst Fans in Hockey—20 through 11

Number 14 - Big Hat Guy (c) Dan Hamilton-USA TODAY Sports
It’s time for a break from criticizing the Kings, so I turn my gaze on some fans instead.

I started this column a few weeks back by previewing and revealing the Number Five Worst Hockey Fan: Obnoxious Loud Guy. Today, I look at the worst fans, numbers 20 through 11. Full disclosure, I’ve probably morphed through being some of these guys in my 45 years watching puck all over North America. I’m on version 4.0 of myself. It’s a better place.

Now, on with the countdown…

Oh wait. Before I get to the worst 20, I’d be remiss not to cover the Honorable Mentions:

  • The guy who gets his kid a souvenir stick before the game and lets them spend the entire game banging it against the back of your seat. (Bonus points when they whack you in the back of the head once or twice.)
  • Foul-mouthed dude in the middle of a section filled with kids.
  • Dude wearing a sweater with his own name on the back.
  • Guy sitting in the first two rows who stands when there’s a fight so he can see better and instead blocks your view.
  • Guy on the glass who bangs the glass during that same fight.
  • Dude who challenges players in the penalty box.
  • Without further ado, here’s the first installment of my worst fans in hockey countdown.

20. Restless Leg Couple

The couple ten seats into a row who leave and come back repeatedly, each period, every period, and then struggles with their footing as they inch by with drinks without lids.

19. Dude Who Sits in Your Seat / The Guy Who Is in the Right Seat and Row, But Wrong Section

You know the guy who sneaks down into your seat when he sees a patch of empties. He’s made himself comfortable — even brought his food with him and/or left his empty wrappers in your foot space. Arenas use assigned seating and have ushers for a reason. This guy should be ranked higher but the pain typically only lasts for a second.

18. Jealous Dude

This is the guy who thinks the entire stadium is looking at his girlfriend. Jealous Dude does not want you looking at her. And no matter what happens, even if you’re clearly not looking at her, he’s still glancing around with one of those Robert DeNiro Looks from Taxi Driver all over his face.


17. Back of Bench Dude

The guy sitting near the opposing team bench who yells insults, usually unfunny ones, at every player on the bench. This guy is polite in every aspect of his life but turns into a Vegas standup guy after knocking back a few. Unfortunately for all of us, he’s not remotely clever and stumbles out insults like, “Hey, Dumba, did you lose your magic feather?” He’s bombing out there and doesn’t care. Every time I sit near Back of Bench Dude, I’m always angry he didn’t bring his sitcom laugh track.

16. Phonetic Guy

This guy needs to pronounce every Russian or Slovak or Czech player’s name the way a native speaker would say it. You know, the know-it-all American who digs out his acting class Eastern European accent to pronounce “Artem Anisimov” or “Tomáš Plekanec” when shouting out the names of those respective players. Phonetic Guy is the same guy who turns around and corrects you when you unknowingly screw up a fact.

15. Big Shot in the Cheap Seats

We have a saying when we go to StubHub searching for the game: “Do you want good seats or in the building?” The wallet usually dictates “in the building.” I mean, just being there is a treat. Way in the upper upper 300s, there are some interesting characters. Like the fool sitting right in back of you telling his bros about the struggles of being in upper management but bragging about the “great seats that he got from work.” He’s in denial somewhere.


14. Big Hat Guy

Hey big hat guy! Give us a chance to see the game. Save the Babushka or your derby-shaped Kangol for your trip to the snow. Inside the arena, don’t act oblivious that you’re blocking my view. You definitely are and it isn’t the slightest bit cute. I hate that guy.

13. Guy with Glass Seats Who Brings His Young Kids and Doesn’t Take Away Their Electronics

I don’t know, it just bugs the living hell out of me. It’s worse on television when there’s a big play and the kid can barely lift their eyes up to see what just happened.

12. Bad Parents

Yeah, yeah, I know where you think I’m headed. Think again. Bad hockey parenting is where you’re a long-term Kings fan who let’s their kids make their favorite team choices. You’ve seen the beaten-down father wearing a Dustin Brown sweater while his kids sport their Ducks or Sharks sweaters. That’s bad parenting, plain and simple. As soon as they are born you have to drill the sports bias into them. You have to go all Manchurian Candidate Fan on them, brainwashing at will.

11. The Dude Who Wears a Sweater of Someone Who Isn’t on the Team

Okay, (most) retired players are exempt here. So are the warm-up jerseys you won in the Kings Care Foundation silent auction, or even a game-worn sweater.

This actually happened: Three weeks ago at Staples, I spotted someone wearing a purple Kings, number 28 Oleg Tverdovsky, sweater. I swear. Apparently his “other sweater” was in the wash.

Now, pay attention Kings fans, because Guy Number 11 will probably be pretty relevant come the 2019 trade deadline: Once a someone is traded away, don’t wear it to the stadium. Don’t burn it or throw it away either. Wear it at home when you are cleaning or watching a game on the NHL Network.

That’s it for this week ... we’ll continue the countdown soon. What fans do you think will make the top 10?

---

This column is from my Perspectives From The Cheap Seats slot on Jewels From The Crown.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

The Power of Christmas

Okay, so where am I?

I'm up late, late late, So many pressing projects...
  • A college magazine to put to bed...
  • My Los Angeles Kings Jewels From The Crown columns...
  • Research on the next big idea for the next Clio Award...
  • Planning the former Communist bloc holiday trip in two weeks...
  • Christmas gift wrapping...
But then, I came across this from 2017:

Yes, this was a actual advertising campaign posted on Poundland's  social media accounts last year. Besides this photo featuring the famous Elf on the Shelf with a teabag dangling from his nether regions, there were supporting images of the elf in a hot tub with nude Barbies, an elf thrusting with a toothbrush, and the elf drawing a phallic-shaped cacti on an Etch-A-Sketch. For the innocents among us, you';; have to Google teabagging to see what it is. (SPOILER ALERT: NSFW.)

Yeah, I'm still speechless too.

Speaking of the Elf on the Shelf, are you tired of him? Jimmy Kimmel has the recipe to make Christmas great again.


Christmas is my favorite holiday. Why, you ask? Because Christmas is advertising and advertising is Christmas. I am far from a cynic, but those white, glimmering lights, the scent of newly cut conifers, those stop motion animated CBS television specials, remembering your friends and family with gifts, and even Santa Claus are pure capitalism. And, advertising is here to shine a light on it all. 

Inspiring behavior change is at the core of advertising. Creating campaigns that make people feel is the pipe dream that all of in the ad game aspire to. We devote late nights, weekends, and 60 hour work weeks laboring on the big idea to make it even bigger. More emotion. Extra heartfelt. Collective, Christmas is our case study. It's a success that makes all other successes envious. 

Besides great advertising, it also produces incredible comedy. Like this one from Saturday Night Live. In a parody of Glengarry Glen Ross, Winter's Breath (Alec Baldwin) is an elf sent by Santa to motivate elves (Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers) building toys for Christmas, reminding them to Always Be Cobbling.


In 2013, the Pew Research Center reported that four out of five non-Christians celebrate Christmas. That means someone, some now convinced a whole lot of people worldwide that Christmas was a lot more than the North Star, an immaculate birth, and three pour maidens without a proper dowry. Here's where I pop in and take credit for the success of Christmas on behalf of the advertising industry Kanye West-style. The ad industry has made Christmas into destination for togetherness, love and support. The pagan winter celebration has morphed into the shining example of the influence of marketing to spur affirmative moods and unite the world around us.

Of course, great advertising also comes out around the holidays. Each year, the flood of Christmas-themed commercials is the earliest indicator that the holiday season is upon us. I've got my favorites. I've also worked on some great campaigns. Here are some of the best holiday commercials of all time.

Coca-Cola 
“Catch”

Coca-Cola cornered the Christmas market decades ago with their holiday ads featuring Santa Claus. Shoot, Santa started shilling Coke even before he took up smoking. Now the holidays and that hourglass-shaped bottle go hand-in-hand.


AT&T 
"Reach Out and Touch Someone"

Back before FaceTime and when long distance was $2.49 a minute, grandpa could read bedtime stories.


Hershey’s Kisses
“Holiday Bells”

Imagine if a tree shaped outline of chocolate could play “Jingle Bells”...


Folgers Coffee
“Peter Comes Home”

Peter plays Santa and brews coffee. Simple and heartwarming.


John Lewis 
“Man on the Moon”

We don't get to see these here in the Stats, but across the pond, the ad folks over at John Lewis know how to make a Christmas commercial.

Campbell’s Soup 
“Snowman”

Before Olaf we had the Campbell’s Soup snowman..."M’m! M’m! Good!”

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

The Five Worst Tourism Campaigns I Could Find on YouTube

Okay, so where am I?

It's late and I'm polishing my running diary for tonight's Los Angeles Kings game against the Arizona Coyotes. It's been a struggle this season in my first year as a moonlighting sportswriter. The Kings are really bad and coach is worse. How bad is he? He's so bad that I penned letters to him and then to his boss, general manager Rob Blake. That one took a lot for me because I would never want anyone complaining to my bosses. As far as I know, no one has ever complained about me in writing. Hopefully that streak continues.

Also, I am still waiting for Dr. Peter Lam, Chairman of the Hong Kong Tourism Board, or their executive director Anthony Lau, to call me to sort out the disaster that is their “Treasures of the Heart” tourism commercial.

Inspired by the awfulness of the Hong Kong Tourism Board, I've unearthed a handful of truly horrendous tourism campaigns...

Barcelona

This ancient Barcelona video showcases every fountain in the land. And here you though they were only known for their food, beaches, Gaudi architecture, and pickpockets.


Canada

Once upon a time a photobombing squirrel made big news in the Great White North. So, of course the marketing folks at Banff Lake Louise Tourism rushed a commercial to air touting its national park. Needless to say this didn't age well. Now, or then.


Latvia

Here, the inability of Latvians to communicate without a huge supply of napkins and tomato ketchup is showcased. Also showcased is awkward couple flirts, the cheap beer, and bad waiter haircuts.


Miami Beach

In 1970, Miami Beach jumped into the colorful advertising gimmick game first launched by Mary Wells Lawrence for Braniff.
I’m red, I love…
I’m yellow, I groove…
I’m blue, I appreciate...
There’s one place where colors and people best come together – Miami Beach!
This is opening of the original meandering infomercial type (13+ minutes long) featuring a shameless number of good looking, eyebrow raising women in front of roaring fires and reclining beds.


Massachusetts

In the 1980s, Massachusetts dreamed up this classic showcasing New Englanders living in harmony. However bad the spot is, it features maybe the best tourism jingle ever:


This spot was so bad good that it was lampooned by Family Guy: